Undergraduate / "Elaborate on one of your Extracurriculars: Public Speaking" - Common App [3]

Hello all, this is a rough draft of the short response question on the common app: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences.

Any feedback, regarding grammar, content, or other thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

The curtain parts and I take a single step forward as my name blares from fifty speakers and resounds through the crowded auditorium. Five hundred pairs of eyes follow me across the stage. I come to a halt and survey my expectant audience for a moment that seems like an eternity. The incessant beating of my heart drowns out the unintelligible murmurs of the crowd, its volume rising until it is deafening.

And then, I begin.
My voice begins as a whisper, barely reaching the nearest rows of the enormous amphitheater. But then, slowly, it gains strength, surging forth in waves, echoing off walls, resonating through the air, and flooding every corner of the auditorium with sound. Five hundred pairs of eyes watch, transfixed.

I took up public speaking in seventh grade in an effort to overcome the fear that enveloped me every time I gave a presentation to my class. I suffered many a nervous breakdown in the early phases of my speaking career, but, as I continued to force myself to attend speech club and compete in speech and debate tournaments, I gained confidence and skill that allowed me to win state titles in public speaking, and, in this case, present speeches to organizations like the Oregon Teachers Union. I have grown to love public speaking and, as president of the Speech and Debate Team, have made it my mission to impart my passion for elocution on other young minds.

I finish my final sentence and take a bow, but the crowd remains mesmerized for a long moment, until a single "clap" is heard somewhere in the audience. At once, the spell is broken. Applause.

I appreciate your time and suggestions. :)
Kareem

Undergraduate / "Chess, Good game" - Common Application Personal Statement [2]

Hello all,
This is a draft of my personal statement (or perhaps a supplementary essay) for the common application. I would appreciate some feedback on it as well as some constructive criticism.

I looked up at my opponent over the maple and mahogany battlefield covered with kings, queens, and knights after half an hour of silent contemplation. Fallen soldiers - discarded in the heat of battle - were strewn across the sides of the table. Staring back at me was the most experience strategist in my home state - a man who had dedicated his very life to a war whose culminating battle was unfolding before me. I glanced at the board one more time, searching for an escape, but my valiant warriors were too ensnared to retreat.

I first fell in love with the game of chess when I was ten; my Egyptian grandfather offered to teach me the game when the incessant rain imprisoned us indoors for most of his two week visit. I accepted his offer only to be polite - I had seen plenty of others stooping over their chess sets for hours on end, and I had no interest in wasting my time with something I deemed so boring. My interest, however, skyrocketed from the moment we began our first game. As an inexperienced player, I had no idea how to coordinate my pieces, and I could only watch in horror as my grandfather overran my defenses and crushed me within twenty moves. Naturally competitive, I asked for a rematch, then for another. Grandpa always graciously accepted, and in the days that followed, we must have played more than 100 games of chess. With each game, I gained a little understanding, but despite my best efforts, I didn't win a single one. Before returning to Egypt, my grandfather instilled a dream in me with his parting words. "Give it everything, and you will triumph."

In the past seven years, I have tried to do just that. After bidding my grandfather farewell, I stopped at an airport gift shop and purchased a beginner's chess manual that outlined the basic strategies of the game. That evening - and many evenings thereafter - I spent hours poring over that book. Later, I amassed more than thirty chess books specific to many different aspects of the game - opening advances, middlegame tactics, endgame strategies - and devoured them all with enthusiasm. As my love for the game increased, I joined numerous online chess servers, and when they didn't satiate my enormous appetite for the game, I founded a chess club at a local community college and entered numerous statewide chess tournaments. I improved rapidly.

For me, chess is more than a game; it's a philosophy. If chess has taught me one thing, it's that persistence pays off in the end. Victory at the board has been dependent upon my adroitness at analyzing complicated positions for hours on end; success in the real world remains contingent on my ability to plan ahead and think in the long term. Only by painstaking considering the consequences of every move I made, on and off of the board, had I attained my position before the strongest player in the state.

I looked back up at my opponent. Offering my hand with a smile, I broke the silence.
"I can't find a breakthrough. Draw?"
"Draw," he agreed. "Good game."
That's another thing I've learned from chess. In life, you can't always win, but if you give it your all, you can turn every endeavor you undertake into a success.

"Good game," I responded. "Good game."

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!
Kareem