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A beautiful girl at night time


Junie Rana 1 / 3  
Jun 15, 2011   #1
On a summer holiday, Jim and his friends took a trip to Preah Sihanouk province. They all had such a nice day there, and until mid-night they had so much fun on the beach. While enjoying with other friends, John saw a beautiful girl walked across there. That girl looks really gorgeous with long, black hair and slim body which impressed John indeed. At first sight, he fell for her, tried to chase and flirted her. He walked behind her and tried to have a conversation with her; however, she was silent without any responses to him. Because being a guy who never wants to give up with this easily, he still continued walking behind her. They both walked for a fairly far distance until the girl arrived at her destination. There, John could see many people. Nonetheless, they are all gays. What's more, before leaving, that girl eventually said "good bye" to him and then walked towards those people. At that time John was so shocked because of her reality. Actually she was not a girl, but she was a gay! After all John was so frustrated, felt so bad with this and then left there with speechless. John told himself that he learnt a new lesson for judging people at the first sight.

clandarkfire 2 / 1  
Jun 16, 2011   #2
Ehm...interesting topic ;-)

You do have some grammer issues though.
They all had such a nice day there, and until mid-night they had so muchlots of fun on the beach. - There is no need to add these. Concise is better, and as it is, it sound too informal.

While enjoying himself with otherhis friends, John saw a beautiful girl walked across there.the dunes .

" That girl looks really gorgeous with her long, black hair and slim body," thought John. He was impressed.

At first sight, heHe immediately fell for her, tried to chase her and flirted with her.

He walked behindfollowed her and tried to havestart a conversation with her , however,but she wasremained silent. without any responses to him. Because beinghe was a guy who never wantswanted to give up with this easily, he still continued walking behind her.

They both walked for a fairly farlong distance until the girl arrived at her destination. There, John could see many people.

Nonetheless,Much to John's surprise they arewere all gays. What's more, before leaving, thatthe girl eventually said "good bye" to him and then walked towards thosethe people.

At that time John was so shocked because of her reality.when he percieved her as she truly was.Actually She was not a girl, but she was a gay man ! After all John was soincredibly frustrated. He felt so bad with this and then left there with speechlessthat he was speechless . John told himself that he learntlearned a new lesson for judging peopleand would never again judge people at the first sight.

It flows much better this way.
By the way, I really do hope you're not planning on using this as a college admissions essay...
exon25 1 / 1  
Jun 16, 2011   #3
I guess that it sounds good the way she corrected your essay. But just a question What is wrong to make this an essay admission. Is it to short? or the topic does not look good...
OP Junie Rana 1 / 3  
Jun 17, 2011   #4
Thanks for your correction. It helps me a lot! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 17, 2011   #5
What is wrong to make this an essay admission.

You could write a story like this as a college admission essay -- only if the essay prompt asks you to tell a story. Julie, what is the essay prompt?

Because being a guy who never wants to give up with this easily, he still continued walking behind her.

Are you trying to say gay or guy? I'm confused! :-) These two words are very different.

Because being a guy who never wants to give up with this easily, he still continued walking behind her. ---Do not use BECAUSE at the beginning of a sentence like this. BECAUSE is a conjunction, so it should go in the middle of a sentence... Oh, wait a minute! No, I am wrong. It is common for people to use it at the beginning of a sentence this way, but you need a small change:

Because he was a guy who never wanted to give up easily, he still continued walking behind her.

:-)
OP Junie Rana 1 / 3  
Jun 25, 2011   #6
it is a narrative paragraph that is why i wrote like this.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jun 27, 2011   #7
That makes sense! Thanks for participating here; keep practicing with us!
winniesun 9 / 19  
Jul 3, 2011   #8
Because being a guy who never wants to give up with this easily, he still continued walking behind her.
I think he behave like a manly manner and not give up due to his pride. :)
By the way, that's the true story?
OP Junie Rana 1 / 3  
Jul 12, 2011   #9
hehe.. no! this is just a make up one :D


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