icyblux3
Nov 12, 2011
Undergraduate / 'America is not the egalitarian state' - Cornell ILR Essay [4]
It's good but it seems a bit...short? I don't know the word limit for this essay, though.
Like the poster said above, hate is a strong word. The most important piece of writing a great essay is to show. Show, don't tell. So you could add a sentence or two about your behavior and attitude towards the beggars in the city and allow the reader interpret your attitude - have it be implied as hatred, ignorance, or any other terms.
I would suggest to have this clarified better, "I expected these kids to be the type that spent too much time playing video games instead of doing homework. To my surprise, many of them didn't even own a computer." This seems unclear... Move things around to make sure your intention behind this get across more straightforwardly so it won't look a bit awkward anymore.
"Some of them had parents who worked two or three jobs just to make ends meet, leaving the kids home to care for themselves, which subsequently led them to trouble." I sense irony in this so using literary devices are good to make the essay more interesting. So, make the irony more noticeable. Perhaps you could say, "Some of them had parents who worked as many as three jobs in an attempt to make their lives better only to have them end up being led to trouble, due to their absence of supervision, care, and guidance in their lives." I know my suggested sentence isn't that great but it shows the irony so you could find something that shows the irony more.
That's all I have for now. Hope it helps. :)
It's good but it seems a bit...short? I don't know the word limit for this essay, though.
Like the poster said above, hate is a strong word. The most important piece of writing a great essay is to show. Show, don't tell. So you could add a sentence or two about your behavior and attitude towards the beggars in the city and allow the reader interpret your attitude - have it be implied as hatred, ignorance, or any other terms.
I would suggest to have this clarified better, "I expected these kids to be the type that spent too much time playing video games instead of doing homework. To my surprise, many of them didn't even own a computer." This seems unclear... Move things around to make sure your intention behind this get across more straightforwardly so it won't look a bit awkward anymore.
"Some of them had parents who worked two or three jobs just to make ends meet, leaving the kids home to care for themselves, which subsequently led them to trouble." I sense irony in this so using literary devices are good to make the essay more interesting. So, make the irony more noticeable. Perhaps you could say, "Some of them had parents who worked as many as three jobs in an attempt to make their lives better only to have them end up being led to trouble, due to their absence of supervision, care, and guidance in their lives." I know my suggested sentence isn't that great but it shows the irony so you could find something that shows the irony more.
That's all I have for now. Hope it helps. :)