Undergraduate / 'I have flat feet'. Elaborate on activities (extratricculars, work activities..etc) [3]

I was wondering if this is okay for the Common App- In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

The only problem is that this is over 150 words. I think i need help cutting this down & grammar structure. any help would be great!

thanks!!

I have flat feet. My doctor first announced the surprising news to me after I had an ankle injury due to playing soccer in middle school. My feet did not have supporting arches like normal feet would have so having flat feet was a disadvantage. I finally discovered why my legs started to tire out quickly after running short distances. "She can't play mid-field anymore because she has flat feet," spoke a girl of my soccer team in junior high. The other girls started to laugh and poke fun at my feet. It was then that I decided to quit and leave soccer, which I was so fervent about. However, I revisited soccer in high school as soon as I spotted another flat-foot girl, who kicked the ball at flying speed into the net while her teammates shouted with joy. I joined in junior year of high school, playing midfielder again while my team members of my soccer team welcomed me without enervation. I was finally able to get over my flat feet and work with them to win soccer games.

Undergraduate / Competitions, National Honors Society, NYU school - supplemental essays [2]

hi i was wondering if you can edit my supplemental essays for nyu before i submit it in:
Describe a trait or characteristic that has been passed along to you by your family. Tell us why you like or dislike this aspect of yourself. (500 CHARACTERS MAX)

Straight pearl teeth never ran in my family. As a matter of fact, I have inherited from my mother and grandmother- two enormous thick diamond shaped incisors that shrouds the bottom, minimizing its real size. In the sun, my teeth glows a bright yellow instead of a pallid white. I love my golden gems because they exhibit an original; they were never bleached. I especially feel ecstatic when a curved smile plasters across my face, revealing small but happy white structures littered around my jaw.

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

National Honors Society (NHS) had opened up a new chapter in my life. Through a recent parent-teacher conference at school, I found a hidden quality. In just two hours after school had ended, the president of NHS assigned me to welcome families and give tours to them while they looked for room numbers. My nerves jumped everywhere and I stuttered words, mixing strange syllables together. A father had reprimanded me for speaking too softly, leaving me speechless. But I did not back down. Instead, his actions encouraged me to reach out to others. I bolstered my self-confidence by approaching parents with a hearty "Hello! Welcome to HSES!" and putting a silly spin to talks about teachers. The experience of ridding my timidity to uncover a "never-before-seen" gusto demonstrates what National Honors Society considered to be honorable to its organization: character."

Undergraduate / Common App Personal Essay~"I could not swim competitively ever again?" [2]

Hi! I am wondering if anyone can help me edit my essay because I know I have grammatical errors that I cannot catch all the time. Don't be afraid to give criticism on my essay. Also I wonder if I answered my prompt correctly and if my essay is too long?

Thanks a lot!!

TOPIC: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

The bleach smelled like a honey dew melon. There was a certain vitreous luster to the waters that made me think of untouched, transparent jelly. The time had finally come. I was ready to battle the hardships of swimming. Adrenaline had seeped to every organ of my body. The doctor's words trickled into my mind: "You have mild scoliosis, an abnormal curve of the spine." So I asked myself: Did that mean I could not swim competitively ever again?

Crouched like a black cat on the metallic diving plate, I steadied myself in the most comfortable position. The whistle blew; I blasted into the water, quickly alternating my arms and advancing forward. After the last flip-turn, I saw the finish line in sight. Unexpectedly, a stinging pain crawled upon my spine, eating my insides alive and I heard the doctor's voice echo in my head- "You have mild scoliosis." I felt a fresh strip of ice wrapping and numbing my body as I began to think "I cannot swim anymore. I am going to quit." Filled with apprehension, I decelerated my speed, hauled myself onto the swim divider and peered up to see my mother, standing from the bleachers, shaking her head at me. I knew she was disappointed to suddenly see me stop swimming so I immediately returned to the competition, ignoring the gnawing agony spreading over my back. Exerting all of my energy to one powerful kick and swing, I banged my hand against the wall and heard roars exploding from the crowd. First place belonged to me; through tears and laughter, I managed to stand erect and wave my hands to my mother who was already up on her feet celebrating with those around her.

The unbearable experience of swimming that race has left a profound effect on me. I was cursed with a physical disadvantage in the water yet I learned to never let my medical condition affect me. My mother was once a competitive swimmer but could not swim anymore because she had a permanent arm injury. The fact that she could never swim again demonstrated to me that as a daughter, I would provide her the satisfaction of my accomplishments. Not only did I bestow a "gift" for my mother, I also gave myself a present: I invoked a new sense of self-confidence and deemed that I was able to pass an obstruction impeding my way.

I came to realize that there was nothing I wanted more than trying to prove to myself that I can win my own battles. I toppled my fear of stage-fright in science research class, after I had almost experienced a grand panic attack delivering a fifteen minute power point presentation in front of many people. But I managed to pull myself together by smiling broadly and releasing my frustrations. Because I used to believe that I could not accomplish something so important and so difficult, I would stubbornly think that way continuously. By turning the tables over, I could finally see the other side. The other side welcomes new challenges that need to be tackled and makes space for individual growth. I sought to improve the future of people who are capable of transforming their weaknesses into strengths. I teach swimming lessons to those who do not have severe scoliosis to keep their backs safe and healthy. I have finally come to understand there is never "no solution" to a problem; rather, all one has to do is believe and then the impossible can be done. And I will keep this mentality with me as I study at __________________ University.

Undergraduate / 'A city girl in Chinese culture' - BU supplement- why boston university? [2]

hi there! i hope you can check my grammatical errors and give some feedback on my supplement to BU (due 1/1/09). Thank you!!

PROMPT- Students consider many different factors when applying to college. Briefly discuss who or what influenced your decision to apply to Boston University:

I am a city girl. I always have other people telling me, "You are lucky to live in New York City" and I like to hear that. However, I begin to realize that New York is the city that never sleeps; there is so much action taking place there. On the other hand, Boston offers a more peaceful niche but is also fast paced. Boston, a city well known for its prestigious universities such as Boston University (BU), a surfeit of historical landmarks and diverse cultures, is a place where I can connect to and be more comfortable in than my hometown. I remember a time when I visited a college fair at New York University this summer. I was immediately drawn to the immense flag of Boston University that sprinkled with red and white colors. Then, I heard the alumni talk about the extraordinary opportunities offered at BU's study abroad program. There is no other university that have over seventy international programs other than BU. BU has a spectacular program in Shanghai, which I would definitely like to join. Since I plan to take Chinese in college, I hope to participate in the Shanghai Chinese Language and Culture Program so I can immerse myself completely in Chinese culture. Located in the heart of Boston, Boston University surrounds students with so much culture and diversity that I can socially interact and intellectually grow as a person there.