Undergraduate / "The Long Dusty Riverbed" Admissions [7]

This is my first essay in over 15 years and my first ever college admissions essay, so I'm probably a little rusty. Looking for some feedback please :) Here are the essay and the essay question.

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Everyone who graduates Basic Military Training will leave having learned something about themselves that they never knew before.

I was 19 years old, and I had never been away from home. I was scared and unsure of myself and the people around me. I didn't know anybody, and I certainly didn't trust any of them. I was determined to push through on my own, as I always had.

As new recruits, we were sent to a remote field for three days. We were given no sleep and minimal food while we were taught the finer arts of combat and team building. One particular exercise stands out in my mind. It was Texas, mid-August. There was a dried up river bed, approximately a half mile long. It was nothing but dust and river rock. We were instructed that we must low crawl down the river bed with a partner. Neither person could stop or get ahead of the other. If we did, we would fail. We had to go through it together.

The rocks were digging into the tender insides of my legs, and the dust made it difficult to breathe. There were times I thought I couldn't keep going, but my partner, a girl I had never met before that day, encouraged me and never left me behind. She knew I could do it, even if I didn't. When we both finally reached the end, we were spitting mud out of our mouths, and our legs were badly bruised from crawling across the rocks.

The next day, although we were exhausted and barely able to walk from the bruises, we were told we must do it again. I was so disheartened, and I looked to my partner for encouragement, but it wasn't there. I remember the expression on her face. This was not about the bruises. She didn't think she had the strength to bear it a second time. It was my turn to help carry the load and encourage her through to the end.

I learned something about myself that day. I learned that I need people, and they need me. It is when you come together as a team, that you truly find your inner strengths and weaknesses. I look forward to working collectively with other students at University of Wisconsin to accomplish our goals as a team. I want to contribute my thoughts and ideas while I learn from theirs. Although I will be in a new town filled with new people that I have never met, I know now that those people will be my partner through it all.

Because even though I might have the strength and the ability, without the help of others, I will never reach the end of that long, dusty river bed.

Undergraduate / "My education is not a cliche" - second admissions statement [4]

Growing up, I didn't always heed the good advice that was offered to me. I must have heard a hundred different clichés, all aimed at trying to help me avoid the pitfalls of my predecessors. "Never put off until tomorrow, what you can do today", "Hindsight is 20/20", "If you keep making that face, it will stay that way". I never really listened to most of them. If I had, perhaps I wouldn't have made some of the mistakes that I regret now.

I haven't always appreciated the value of a good education. I was young, reckless, carefree, and unable to see how my decisions would affect my future. Although I had the knowledge and ability to do well in high school, I lacked dedication and the maturity to understand just how important my education would be.

I may not have an outstanding high school transcript, and my ACT scores won't win any accolades, but thankfully, that was 15 years ago and a lot can happen in 15 years. I joined the Air Force and during my military career I developed a sense of integrity, self-motivation, and personal accountability. I graduated from technical training with awards of Distinguished Graduate in Electronics and Top Graduate in Avionics.

In my free time, I sought to further my education by attending a psychology class given by another University on base. I completed the course with a 4.0 and had the second highest grade in the class. Since then, I have deeply desired the opportunity to go back to school earn a degree in psychology.

Psychology, particularly abnormal psychology, fascinates me. I want to immerse myself in the world of abnormal psychology and pair that knowledge with a degree in criminal justice to become a criminologist; and I know that University of Wisconsin, with its outstanding psychology program, is exactly what I need to accomplish those goals. With a great school, the tools I developed in the military, and the maturity to understand their value, I am confident that I will be successful.

If hindsight really is 20/20, I know that 15 years from now I will be able to look back at all I have accomplished with my education and my life, and this time, there won't be any regrets.

This is a very rough draft. I would appreciate any input. Thanks!