This is my first essay in over 15 years and my first ever college admissions essay, so I'm probably a little rusty. Looking for some feedback please :) Here are the essay and the essay question.
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Everyone who graduates Basic Military Training will leave having learned something about themselves that they never knew before.
I was 19 years old, and I had never been away from home. I was scared and unsure of myself and the people around me. I didn't know anybody, and I certainly didn't trust any of them. I was determined to push through on my own, as I always had.
As new recruits, we were sent to a remote field for three days. We were given no sleep and minimal food while we were taught the finer arts of combat and team building. One particular exercise stands out in my mind. It was Texas, mid-August. There was a dried up river bed, approximately a half mile long. It was nothing but dust and river rock. We were instructed that we must low crawl down the river bed with a partner. Neither person could stop or get ahead of the other. If we did, we would fail. We had to go through it together.
The rocks were digging into the tender insides of my legs, and the dust made it difficult to breathe. There were times I thought I couldn't keep going, but my partner, a girl I had never met before that day, encouraged me and never left me behind. She knew I could do it, even if I didn't. When we both finally reached the end, we were spitting mud out of our mouths, and our legs were badly bruised from crawling across the rocks.
The next day, although we were exhausted and barely able to walk from the bruises, we were told we must do it again. I was so disheartened, and I looked to my partner for encouragement, but it wasn't there. I remember the expression on her face. This was not about the bruises. She didn't think she had the strength to bear it a second time. It was my turn to help carry the load and encourage her through to the end.
I learned something about myself that day. I learned that I need people, and they need me. It is when you come together as a team, that you truly find your inner strengths and weaknesses. I look forward to working collectively with other students at University of Wisconsin to accomplish our goals as a team. I want to contribute my thoughts and ideas while I learn from theirs. Although I will be in a new town filled with new people that I have never met, I know now that those people will be my partner through it all.
Because even though I might have the strength and the ability, without the help of others, I will never reach the end of that long, dusty river bed.
In my opinion , you wrote very good, but the paragraph ,where you started writing about your desire to join the university ,has to be separated from the story. I think that you should start the paragraph with :``I look forward to working.... because it is a new ideea
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I thought about that, but then, it would take away from what I was trying to accomplish. I was hoping to create an essay that that was intriguing. I want them to keep reading to find out where I'm going with it, if that makes sense? I did read a lot of other essays and the ones that start off with a cookie-cutter statement of "Here is what I want and here is why" was boring to me and I often didn't finish them.
The essays that kept me reading were the ones that pulled me in and made me interested in where the story was leading, which is why I don't want to put that statement first. I will look at it though to see if there is some other way I can seperate it. Thanks for your feedback :)
I HAVEN'T SUGGESTED YOU TO PUT THE PARAGRAPH FIRST, I HAVE JUST SUGGESTED TO SEPARATE THEM LIKE THIS :
I see what you mean. Sorry, I misunderstood what you were suggesting before. You're right, that does have a much better flow. I'm going to make that edit. Thank you! :)
Everyone who graduates Basic Military Training will leave having learned something about themselves. that they never knew before. Trim away the excess for powerful sentences.
She knew I could do it, even if I didn't.---This sentence is a little unclear. It is not very bad... just a little unclear.
Take away the word THAT when you can:
Although I will be in a new town filled with new people that I have never met, I know now that those people will be my partners through it all.
:-)
Thank you, Kevin! I appreciate the feedback. I will make those changes :)
