Posts by Mute Math [Suspended]

Mute Math

Oct 11, 2011

Undergraduate / 'science in all of its many forms' - Personal and Professional Goals [2]

Hello! I have started the process of applying to several colleges. I am a senior in high school right now, anticipating going to college in the fall of next year. Part of the college application is a personal statement in which I am to address "How an education from ______ will allow me to achieve my personal and professional goals?" The essay has a limit of 1000 words, 711 of which are posted below.

Your Feedback and critique are greatly appreciated!

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Since childhood, I have enjoyed science in all of its many forms. The complexity and logical order to everything that surrounds us fascinates me. Moreover, it struck me that it is taken for granted far too frequently. The world around us, both natural and artificial, is a testament to the intricacy of science, which cannot be fully appreciated until it is understood. From the perspective of a scientist, even unglamorous places, such as my hometown, can appear as an illustration of beauty. I want to learn to see the world this way, so I can truly appreciate my environment, and take pleasure in its serenity. The practical application for which an education in the field of science can be used is enormous. As technology and our understanding of the humankind increases, new, critically thinking minds are needed to continue the research, which predecessors have already started. There is no greater reward than to be a part of an accomplishment that has benefited our neighbors.

It is my desire to expound my own knowledge so that I can apply it to every step in life. A _____ education is only the first step in what I hope to be a life long career in the field of healthcare. My aspirations reach beyond the classroom, to applying what I have learned and use it to benefit my community, friends and family. It is my objective to finish my undergraduate studies with a competitive and fulfilling degree, which will contribute to my success in the work force and graduate school. By accepting the many challenges _____ is able to offer, I will be able to enhance my understanding of science and use that knowledge for the benefit of my fellow man. I will also be able to gain the exposure to a diverse group of cultures, beliefs and people, which is essential if I am to further the molding of my characteristics and understand the needs of another.

Throughout high school, my family has been an immense influence and strong advocate of my decision in applying to _____. Both my cousin and grandfather had graduated from the school, and were the source of my original interest in attending. I remember them telling vivid stories about their college experiences with such enthusiasm that I was eventually enthralled with the thought of attending the institute. Attending _____ would be to follow in the footsteps of both my family members, while taking the initiative to immerse myself in the rigors college demands and doing so with a sense of pride and accomplishment. The opportunity I have to attend a university is very important to me. When I first stepped on the _____ campus during my visit for the day, it felt like a home away from home, a place where I could see myself succeed and be content over the course of my undergraduate years. I consider myself fortunate for the chance to apply to this institute, and would be elated on the chance of my acceptance.

Nancy Witcher Astor, the first woman to sit in the British House of Commons, once said "Real education should educate us out of self into something far finer; into selflessness which links us with all humanity." I believe that as I pursue a higher education it is my responsibility to use it wisely and give back to humanity. The strong academic focus and social opportunities at _____ will allow me to accomplish this, while I put forth my best effort and contributions inside and out of the campus.

Four years seems a long way away, but as a senior in high school I know that time goes by quickly. To prepare myself for the highly competitive world, it is essential for me to attend an esteemed university, where I can direct my attention to the education I receive. My aspiration for the immediate future is to walk away from _____ a more intellectual, cultured and thoughtful individual, with the degree I require to begin a rewarding career in which I can take satisfaction. Attending this institute is only the first step, but certainly not the last, in a long road of choices and decisions that I am faced with which will have the opportunity to benefit others within my proximity.

Mute Math

Oct 11, 2011

Undergraduate / "Education is everything" why learning appeals to me the most and why? -FSU admission [2]

A very wise individual once told me, "Education is everything. When you stop learning your mind ceases to grow." That individual was my mother.

"Gifted" was a word I remember from kindergarten. When I heard a classmate was gifted in reading and another gifted in math, I came home puzzled and quite upset wondering why I wasn't considered that. My mom told me I was the best kind of gift because I excelled in all areas. While this helped my confidence, I was still unclear of the significance this word meant. ( I found it difficult to understand where the conversation was at times. The green highlighted section could be reduced to "My mother always called me gifted, though I had difficulty perceiving myself with the same optimism as she." )

All through my education A's came easy for me. My mom always encouraged me to do my very best and to make A's (The reference to "A's" seems a bit redundant here) . I believe it was the tenth grade when I received my first C and I thought it was the end of the world. It made me feel like I didn't measure up to the rest and that I had let my mother down. She further encouraged me that some classes are more difficult and required more effort than others. And if I put forth my best effort that's better than the letter grade I receive. My classes have all been honors, with several AP classes my Junior and Senior year. I've been told that if I get a B in an AP class it is really an A in a regular class. Again, my mom encouraged me to shoot for that A, don't cop out, and give it your best. I have to say all this encouragement and pep talks about schoolwork and making good grades with my mom had me wanting to pull my hair out.( The section highlighted in green is confusing to read, this should be rewritten. You could either place commas, or separate it into two sentences. ) I thought she was obsessed with my education. But it wasn't until shortly after that I realized the importance of it.

I have always liked to challenge myself. Whether it was taking an AP class, making homemade soup, learning a new dance routine, or learning to grow with my friends. ( I would consider elaborating here a bit. What did you learn with your friends? why did you like to challenge yourself? )Learning encompasses all areas of life.(The section highlighted in green is a fragment sentence. It has no subject, and should be revised. ) When I take on a new sport or activity, I wasn't allowed to quit. I had to finish what I had started no matter how difficult it might be. My mother encouraging me along the way, yet again.

From the start it has always been my mother and I. She is a very strong willed individual, who felt it was up to her to succeed. Life itself got in the way when I came along and she couldn't receive the type of education that she had always wanted until about sixteen years later. We have struggled most of my life although I never really knew it. My mom did not want this life for me. So even though she drove me crazy with all of her perpetual coaching, I knew it was because she had my best interest in mind. ( Good sentence structure and examples here )

Through my dance of fifteen years, varsity cheerleading, and track, I learned the value of teamwork, to be compassionate to others, being able to step up to the plate whenever needed, and most importantly to be a good role model for my peers. Learning and education has been an enormous part of my everyday life thanks to that very wise individual, my mother.

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Highlighted in red were misspellings I caught. The blue sections are my personal thoughts and critique, while the green pertains to sentence structure.

It looks like you have a sound foundation for an excellent essay, Good Luck!