I am having trouble making it flow and not making it sound too inexperienced...and I wanted to know what you guys think of it or if you had tips to help me make it better. I also have more than 500 words and I'm not sure what to take out.
The prompt is:
"Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic insititution preparing you for a future careeer. We are a caring community of well-rounded inidividuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you and why?"
A very wise individual once told me, "Education is everything. When you stop learning your mind ceases to grow." That individual was my mother.
"Gifted" was a word I remember form kindergarten. When I herd a classmate was gifted in reading and another gifted in math, I came home puzzled and quite upset wondering why I wasn't considered that. My mom told me I was the best kind of gifted because I excelled in all areas. While this helped my confidence, I was still unclear of the significance this word meant.
All through my education A's came easy for me. My mom always encouraged me to do my very best and to make A's. I believe it was the tenth grade when I received my first C and I thought it was the end of the world. It made me feel like I didn't measure up to the rest and that I had let my mother down. She further encouraged me that some classes are more difficult and required more effort than others. And if I put forth my best effort that's better than the letter grade I receive. My classes have all been honors, with several AP classes my Junior and Senior year. I've been told that if I get a B in an AP class it is really an A in a regular class. Again, my mom encouraged me to shoot for that A, don't cop out, and give it your best. I have to say all this encouragement and pep talks about schoolwork and making good grades with my mom had me wanting to pull my hair out. I thought she was obsessed with my education. But it wasn't until shortly after that I realized the importance of it.
I have always liked to challenge myself. Whether it was taking an AP class, making homemade soup, learning a new dance routine, or learning to grow with my friends. Learning encompasses all areas of life. When I take on a new sport or activity, I wasn't allowed to quit. I had to finish what I had started no matter how difficult it might be. My mother encouraging me along the way, yet again.
From the start it has always been my mother and I. She is a very strong willed individual, who felt it was up to her to succeed. Life itself got in the way when I came along and she couldn't receive the type of education that she had always wanted until about sixteen years later. We have struggled most of my life although I never really knew it. My mom did not want this life for me. So even though she drove me crazy with all of her perpetual coaching, I knew it was because she had my best interest in mind.
Through my dance of fifteen years, varsity cheerleading, and track, I learned the value of teamwork, to be compassionate to others, being able to step up to the plate whenever needed, and most importantly to be a good role model for my peers. Learning and education has been an enormous part of my everyday life thanks to that very wise individual, my mother.
Shayna Foster
A very wise individual once told me, "Education is everything. When you stop learning your mind ceases to grow." That individual was my mother.
"Gifted" was a word I remember from kindergarten. When I heard a classmate was gifted in reading and another gifted in math, I came home puzzled and quite upset wondering why I wasn't considered that. My mom told me I was the best kind of gift because I excelled in all areas. While this helped my confidence, I was still unclear of the significance this word meant. ( I found it difficult to understand where the conversation was at times. The green highlighted section could be reduced to "My mother always called me gifted, though I had difficulty perceiving myself with the same optimism as she." )
All through my education A's came easy for me. My mom always encouraged me to do my very best and to make A's (The reference to "A's" seems a bit redundant here) . I believe it was the tenth grade when I received my first C and I thought it was the end of the world. It made me feel like I didn't measure up to the rest and that I had let my mother down. She further encouraged me that some classes are more difficult and required more effort than others. And if I put forth my best effort that's better than the letter grade I receive. My classes have all been honors, with several AP classes my Junior and Senior year. I've been told that if I get a B in an AP class it is really an A in a regular class. Again, my mom encouraged me to shoot for that A, don't cop out, and give it your best. I have to say all this encouragement and pep talks about schoolwork and making good grades with my mom had me wanting to pull my hair out.( The section highlighted in green is confusing to read, this should be rewritten. You could either place commas, or separate it into two sentences. ) I thought she was obsessed with my education. But it wasn't until shortly after that I realized the importance of it.
I have always liked to challenge myself. Whether it was taking an AP class, making homemade soup, learning a new dance routine, or learning to grow with my friends. ( I would consider elaborating here a bit. What did you learn with your friends? why did you like to challenge yourself? )Learning encompasses all areas of life.(The section highlighted in green is a fragment sentence. It has no subject, and should be revised. ) When I take on a new sport or activity, I wasn't allowed to quit. I had to finish what I had started no matter how difficult it might be. My mother encouraging me along the way, yet again.
From the start it has always been my mother and I. She is a very strong willed individual, who felt it was up to her to succeed. Life itself got in the way when I came along and she couldn't receive the type of education that she had always wanted until about sixteen years later. We have struggled most of my life although I never really knew it. My mom did not want this life for me. So even though she drove me crazy with all of her perpetual coaching, I knew it was because she had my best interest in mind. ( Good sentence structure and examples here )
Through my dance of fifteen years, varsity cheerleading, and track, I learned the value of teamwork, to be compassionate to others, being able to step up to the plate whenever needed, and most importantly to be a good role model for my peers. Learning and education has been an enormous part of my everyday life thanks to that very wise individual, my mother.
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Highlighted in red were misspellings I caught. The blue sections are my personal thoughts and critique, while the green pertains to sentence structure.
It looks like you have a sound foundation for an excellent essay, Good Luck!
