Undergraduate / Revolves around art and music - applying for Graphic Design (UC Personal Statements) [4]

I like the subjects, themes and most of the content of both of your essays! Comment/Suggestion: The opening sentence of the first essay does not flow very well. I would try to make it a little simpler and more direct in order to bring the reader in. You might try something like "As a passionate design student and self taught artist, I find myself constantly referring back to the Gestalt Psychology of the art world when I face any personal or academic struggles."

Undergraduate / 'I'm capable not only of surviving in any environment' - UC Essay, topic 1 [6]

I really like your essay, especially the opening paragraph and overall theme. Cutting this back to 700 words should not be too difficult. First go after any repetitive info and unnecessary adjectives or phrases.

Undergraduate / 'unnatural for good things to come to those who wait' - UT AdMISSION [5]

I like the basic premise of your essay but think you should expand it a bit to more fully answer the prompt. Adding an example from your personal life that illustrates your passion for this point of view would be great. There are a couple of typos to fix: 1) In sentence 2 the quote is misplaced before good. 2) In the fifth sentence "to patient" should be "too patient". 3) In the second paragraph, line 1, the "i" should be capitalized, the word "But" should be lower case and the last phrase would have better agreement with the rest of the sentence if it read "but I do not". You are definitely passionate about this philosophy...best of luck!

Undergraduate / parents, environment, culture influences who you are [2]

You touch on a lot of points and have a compelling life history to tell! I recommend making your essay longer and delving more deeply into just one or two points to make the reader understand you and what your goals are. What do you plan to do to make all the other countries think differently about Haiti?

There are some grammatical errors in the essay. For example it should read: "Additionally, I lived in a poor country for many years; I witnessed many unfair situations. Unfortunately, I used to hear how people from other countriesspeak badly about us. I gained strength from this situation, and I decided that one day I will make all the other countries think differently about us."

Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'My mother is a vivid example' - CommonApp: Significant person [5]

Hi- I like your essay very much. I personally think the intro is fine. Here are a few suggestions:

"Even seemingly to collapse at any instant, my mother kept her strong will." change to "Even though it seemed that she might collapse at any instant..." Change "all right" to "alright".

Change "In those hard-toiling days, I burn the mid- night oil in endeavoring to understand all the convoluted and counter-intuitive concepts. Amazingly, I explored a lot more out of my potential and the result was dazzling." to ""In those hard-toiling days, I burned the midnight oil endeavoring to understand all the convoluted and counter-intuitive concepts for the physics contest . Amazingly, I explored a lot more beyond what I believed was my potential and the result was dazzling."

Great job!