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Posts by HCOdude
Joined: Nov 15, 2011
Last Post: Nov 16, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
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HCOdude   
Nov 15, 2011
Undergraduate / Soccer and Architecture: Match Made in Heaven? UC Essay 1 [2]

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

All suggestions and comments will be appreciated!

I was about five at the time, when my dad asked me what sport I wanted to play. I thought hard-well, as hard as a five-year-old could think-and I decided on soccer. No one in my family had ever played the game or understood the rules, but in an attempt to appease his rambunctious son, my dad signed me up. As a 5-year-old kid, I did not fully understand the leap of faith I was making-or how much I would love this sport.

I have spent the majority of my soccer career on defense. I have gone from goalie, to right defender, to stopper. Each position was as important as the last. They all required some amount of the responsibility. Being in these positions required me to: watch the opposing team, anticipate their moves, and never let the ball get past me. The more I preformed my duty, the more responsibility I received on-and off-the field. Everything from: teaching someone to do a bicycle kick, to putting up the nets, to being the team captain was now my responsibility. My leadership roles in soccer have defined my character, as well as, the kind of leader I am today. I learned that leading is not just giving words, leading means showing others by my example.

A good soccer team is like a good building. The goalie is the foundation. The defenders are the doors and windows. The midfielders are the roofing material; and the forwards are the cinder blocks. Separate, they are seemingly useless things found at any hardware store, but when bound together by the cement of their camaraderie, they can become unstoppable.

Architecture has always been a career of interest for me. I find that architects and soccer players are surprisingly similar. Architects often have to collaborate with a group in order to get a design for a particular project completed. If the team of architects does not work together well, the building will not get built. Soccer players are the same way. Once I have heard one of my coaches' say, "A great player is nothing without his teammates." Soccer players must collaborate with their team mates in order to be successful. I use this doctrine in everything I do, especially Student Council. As Student Council Vice President, it is my job to develop and drive the ideas and creativity of twenty-seven other Student Council members, in order to build comprehensive concepts for the school. We work together on tactics and planning. Due to my being driven and responsible, we tend to have great success. I make it a goal of mine to establish a good relationship with every Student Council member, because I am nothing without my team.

I have learned that in order to have success, one must practice with success. I must drive myself, and re-drive myself, to practice until perfect. I have spent countless hours of sweat and determination to get to the level of skill I am at today. Academically, my overall achievement is because of practice. I equate homework to practice and tests to games. In order to do well in the game one must practice. My parents have instilled this ideal in me since birth. I can honestly say that they are a major part of the reason why I value my education so much.

At five years old, I did not know how much I would appreciate it, but my decision to play soccer has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. It has shaped who I am and where I am going in life. It has taught me life lessons in the most abstract of ways; and most of all, soccer has given me the freedom to be myself. For eleven years I have given my life to soccer, and I would gladly give eleven more.
HCOdude   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'This multifarious culture' How will your culture and religion contribute to Rutgers? [5]

Ok, there were a few gramatical errors and lapses i found, so instead of pointing each one out i thought it would be easier to show you...

'The abundant learning enviornment of Rutgers University directly reflects a vibrant, diverse community at its finest. [or peak]

The multiplicity of ethnicities not only creates a rich learning environment, but also helps individuals--similar to myself-- interact with others with grace and empathy.

My contribution to the diversity of Rutgers will consist of the heritage and ancestry of my two nations, the U.S and Pakistan. During my years in Pakistan and in the United States, I have always embraced my background, whole heartedly. Tribulations in grasping the basic morals and ethics of my culture were very few. To this day i am a vigorously hardworking member of the community i represent.

To enhance my knowledge of my religion and culture, became a member of the Muslim Federation of New Jersey.
When joining the Muslim Federation of New Jersey, i found a new depth of knowledge and appreciation for the Muslim religion, as well as, learned to serve my community. I performed my community service at the Federation, where I helped elders with their food, clothing, and I also organized various activities for the youth. In my quest to help others, I unlocked great leadership abilities, and a deeper knowledge of my religion.

This multifarious culture I mention can benefit others to a tremendous extent; my willingness to share my culture--religion, language, and customs-- and my zest to learn about other cultures can contribute a better understandingof the Muslim people to the diverse community at Rutgers University.

[In my opinion, Rutgers University with its reputation, will give me a opportunity to excel in my endeavors. I have always dreamed to be a responsible member of society, and to assimilate my self with other cultures."]

these are just a few things i saw.
HCOdude   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Goals help you plan your next step' - long and short term goals [3]

Goals help you plan your next step in life. Whether it is a goal close to the present or a goal in the future they direct you path in life. As a high School student goal setting is very important in order to prepare yourself for college and the real world.

The most important short-term goals for me right now are to get an A in my Honors Physics class and to graduate High School with high honors. My Honors class is the most difficult class I have taken in my High School years and I love it to this day, and it excites me. I enjoy overcoming thinking my way through challenges, and being kept on my toes. This class is a challenge that I must and will overcome.

...

Ok so, i noticed that your sentence structure is a little repetitive. You should try to mix it up and add some variance. I really liked how you started this essay, it immediately grabbed my attention. When you describe your physics class try to describe why it is a challenge for you, (why is this goal significant) Do you like challenges? if so say it!

Also you might want to reconsider your goals, (well, the ones you wrote about) the admissions committee will probably want to see something that sets you apart from the thousands of other applicants.
HCOdude   
Nov 16, 2011
Undergraduate / 'with my driver's license in hand' - Common App Prompt A [6]

I think you should focus on the Driver's licence, it was and interesting and engaging story with purpose. When you added the part about dancing the tone and focus were shifted and made this essay seem longer and more tedious. Maybe dancing could be used in another essay?
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