CurryGai
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my parents were like the Sun' - UC Prompt #1 [5]
The idea that you have is superb, nonetheless, you are not making a strong impression.
From reading this essay, I know more about how the solar system works, then relative to how your mother and father's possible divorce will effect you and how this motivates you to become whatever it is you wish to pursue. This is a prompt designed to GET TO KNOW YOU, not an assignment to create a long metaphore/analogy. You don't have to force big, uncomfortable vocabulary into areas where simple words & structures work best. For example : " I wondered what the repercussions of this apocalypse would be".
You also need to SHOW, not tell.
An example of telling :Sue walked around the block a few times and decided to sit on the curb.
An example of showing: Sue paced along the cement lined sidewalk until she reached the end of the block. She glanced at the curb and to her it just looked so comfortable after walking the block many times.
Don't misunderstand. You have VERY good select sentences that SHOW, but the important sentences that portray who you are, are very weak and abstract.
The saying goes family before friends, but I see this as a false statement.
This sentence is irrelevant as it stands with the rest of your essay. Again, you should be talking about yourself, not about cliches and there association with your family.
The idea that you have is superb, nonetheless, you are not making a strong impression.
From reading this essay, I know more about how the solar system works, then relative to how your mother and father's possible divorce will effect you and how this motivates you to become whatever it is you wish to pursue. This is a prompt designed to GET TO KNOW YOU, not an assignment to create a long metaphore/analogy. You don't have to force big, uncomfortable vocabulary into areas where simple words & structures work best. For example : " I wondered what the repercussions of this apocalypse would be".
You also need to SHOW, not tell.
An example of telling :Sue walked around the block a few times and decided to sit on the curb.
An example of showing: Sue paced along the cement lined sidewalk until she reached the end of the block. She glanced at the curb and to her it just looked so comfortable after walking the block many times.
Don't misunderstand. You have VERY good select sentences that SHOW, but the important sentences that portray who you are, are very weak and abstract.
The saying goes family before friends, but I see this as a false statement.
This sentence is irrelevant as it stands with the rest of your essay. Again, you should be talking about yourself, not about cliches and there association with your family.
