emocarwash
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "freed from societal chains" UC prompt 2 [3]
Great job. I think the message is powerful and you delivered it with clarity. I especially liked the connection you drew between transforming Gabriella's house and transforming yourself and also how you began and ended your essay with "when I look around me." I have only a few, minor suggestions:
"Little was I expecting the next turn of events" sounds a little awkward to me. I'm not sure if there's anything wrong with it structurally, so I'll trust your judgment on that one.
There are some issues with verb tense. Make sure that if you are writing in the past tense that you continue to use the past tense. For example:
"I found myself amongst this society, busily and rapidly racing along one straight path that the world has laid out for me" should be "I found myself amongst this society, busily and rapidly racing along one straight path that the world had laid out for me."
In the paragraph where you describe how "the environment...became full of vigor, laughter, and hearty conversations," you might want to throw in some specifics, like a piece of a conversation that you had with someone or a joke you shared.
Also, you used the phrase "spilled her heart out" twice. It was well-placed the first time, but when you use it more than once it becomes somewhat tired and boring.
Again, great job.
Great job. I think the message is powerful and you delivered it with clarity. I especially liked the connection you drew between transforming Gabriella's house and transforming yourself and also how you began and ended your essay with "when I look around me." I have only a few, minor suggestions:
"Little was I expecting the next turn of events" sounds a little awkward to me. I'm not sure if there's anything wrong with it structurally, so I'll trust your judgment on that one.
There are some issues with verb tense. Make sure that if you are writing in the past tense that you continue to use the past tense. For example:
"I found myself amongst this society, busily and rapidly racing along one straight path that the world has laid out for me" should be "I found myself amongst this society, busily and rapidly racing along one straight path that the world had laid out for me."
In the paragraph where you describe how "the environment...became full of vigor, laughter, and hearty conversations," you might want to throw in some specifics, like a piece of a conversation that you had with someone or a joke you shared.
Also, you used the phrase "spilled her heart out" twice. It was well-placed the first time, but when you use it more than once it becomes somewhat tired and boring.
Again, great job.
