so the question i picked from the list was the following: Discuss some issue of local, national, or international concern and its importance to you. (500 words or less)
This is the essay i wrote and plan to submit but i need general feedback and improvements you see fit.. THANKYOUU!
"Abusive Egyptian Military Rule's impact on me" #2 Improved
Okay so I totally appreciated and understood the help and advice from the last thread i posted so this is the new and improved version of the previous essay my main problem was adding my personality/personal impact into the story because i made it seem more like a newspaper article than a college essay that was supposed to be centered around me so hopefully this one has more personality but just to make sure i didnt lose the meaning and content i was going for im re-posting my improved essay
if anyone has anything to say id be more than happy to hear it!
The inhumane violence with which the temporary military government is currently using to abuse the Egyptian people makes my soul shiver with anger. Since the ousting of the former dictator, Hosny Mubarak, approximately nine months ago, the Egyptian military has been temporarily ruling the country. However, the military has done so brutally and appallingly. I am very affected by this because I have lived in this culture and among the Egyptian people for ten years. I have grown to know and to love the kindness and spirit they possess. To see them suffer after courageously striving to change their country for the better profoundly sparks the flames of fury within me. However, what also cruelly plays with my nerves is the lack of acknowledgement for such events. I have been disgusted by this military's treatment yet inspired by the people to help their cause and have them be heard. The atrocities of this issue have pushed me to discover a love for journalism, human rights, and international politics.
Ten million Egyptians have recently rejoined on the streets to end the military rule that has put 12,000 civilians on military-based trials and postponed vital elections to the reforming of a new government. Yet, Egyptians were met with tear gas, rubber bullets, physical beatings, and unjust arrests in their attempt to improve their country. In November alone, the country has reached up to over one thousand injured and forty dead over the course of only five days. Witnessing this abuse, I have found it extremely disturbing that the organization mostly responsible for protecting the Egyptian people is the main source of their suffering. I am worried for the future of this beautiful country because I feel that Egyptians have lost the attention and sympathy of two tremendously important figures: their government and their military.
I am a strong believer in human rights, so I find these happenings horrific. I have a young, sixteen year-old friend who was hit in the head by a rubber bullet fired by the army and fell into unconsciousness for days. However, this horrific story is merely one of thousands of reported injuries. Knowing that people around the world are oblivious to these happenings has motivated me to be the starting domino in revealing the truth surrounding oppressed countries.
To be unable to physically contribute my effort to help overcoming these inhumanities makes me feel ineffective and distressed. Therefore, I do as much as I can by raising global awareness of the subject. I blog my concern and worries for the troubled country by posting pictures, videos, articles, and speeches online for people to view. I have now grown a passion for international politics and advocating human rights. To witness the violation of respect for human rights put forth by the Egyptian military impacts my emotional well-being both negatively and drastically. Therefore, to vent this anger I have found great relief and passion towards exposing the truth to everyone anywhere I can reach.
You chose a very important matter to write about, and I know that it may get unintentional to speak a lot about it, but you need to talk about yourself. How does the injustice in egypt make you a better candidate for college? Does it inspire you to advocate for human rights? Does it make you intrested in international politics? You need to talk more about yourself
I agree with Sarah. It seems like you focused a lot on describing the issue at hand, and it reads somewhat like a newspaper article. I think you should identify which aspect of Egypt's militant government most affects you (e.g. violations of human rights, the inability to trust one's government) and discuss your reaction to that aspect rather than describe literally what has happened in Egypt. The focus of this essay (and really any other college app essay) should be on yourself and what makes you unique. I think with a little bit of editing, you'll have yourself a great essay.
That's really interesting because my mother and my brother both told me the exact same thing.. I re-read it and I think I understand what you guys are talking about. Thankyou so much, it really helps and the comments are extremely constructive! Thankyou SOO much :) I added a lot of your contribution and used your comments as the backbone of the essay now.. thanks :)
Hello,
Wow, I am supprised that Sarah and Matthew are thinking about the same thing as i am.
Yeah, this essay seems like a report on one issue that happened and I think you need to emphasize how this relates to YOU personally to make this essay an A+ essay :).
You seem to have a good idea and background knowledge, so you will be fine :)!!
Nice topic by the way ;)
Haha thanks :) im trying my best to incorporate what you guys are saying.. I'll post my re-write in an hour. Please read it and tell me if I improved it or if I still have work to do :)
