Posts by josie94

josie94

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / 'I have learned to be a student of the world' - common app [2]

I can honestly say that I am quite confused by the organization of the essay. I do get from the first paragraph that you are about to share snippets of love letters, and create an essay out of these past memories, but you switch too abruptly and give no explanation, really, as you go from a love letter to talking about a fight, to yourself as a child, and end with a shoddy attempt to throw in a leadership role by mentioning you being the team captain. Maybe it's the way there are interjections in it, maybe from someone who already revised it for you, or the way everything is mashed together, but I simply do not get this. I say, stick with one idea! If I'm missing something, please explain, because I would like to help you!

If you have any free time, would you be so kind as to review my essay as well? :)

josie94

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / "Overcoming My Speech Impediment" UW personal statement [2]

Since around the first grade I had been going to speech therapy for a severe speech impediment. I n my case, I had what is commonly called "block" stuttering, and was told one of my main "triggers" [what does that mean? Please explain or reword] was speaking to an audience. I was 12 years old. That day I was to tell my English class about Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet; I knew it front ways and back ways, no problem. As I approached the front of the room, one hand held a couple of note cards, the other clenched tightly in fear. I had not told my teacher of my problem as I had in years past, excusing me from certain situations such as this. I had vowed to finally face this no matter what. I looked out at about thirty of my peers and started to speak, glanced at a note card and stopped. I did not stop by choice but because my voice was gone; I was physically unable to form the word my mind had prepared. I looked up, bit my tongue, begging[verb agreement-begged ?] for a distraction, and pushed up my glasses while my throat became more and more tense. The silence became too long to beconsidered merely~~just~~ a pause, and everyone was now confused and whispering. I eventually finished my presentation, but I was humiliated. I continued to dread any form of public speaking.

I was still not fully over my block stutter, a bit better, but not over.Definitely reword this previous sentence. As for tense, "I am", perhaps?] I ~~was~~am now 17 years old. This time I was standing in front of a room of about a hundred high school students. It was my turn to introduce my proposed resolution paper on the topic of the Somali conflict at the 31st Virginia Model United Nations. I was fed up with my fear of public speaking; I had voluntarily come on this trip to exterminate it. I began reading with a very large lump in my throat; there were a few pauses but they were just that, pauses. The delegate to my left believed I could not pronounce the words, and probably, so did everyone else; I accepted this. I was sure I could get through this. Everyone clapped, and I returned to my seat. A while later, while chatting with another delegate, he casually commented that he really liked the way I introduced my paperand claimed that I was a good speaker. That was sincerely the greatest compliment I had ever received.

After living most of my life with a completely unpredictable speech impediment, after seeing seven different speech therapists, I had long lost all confidence in public speaking and many other aspects of ordinary life. I knew that it could come up in any situation and fitted my life around it. Although I know this is something that may very well stay with me for the remainder of my life, I now feel as though I have overcome it. I know I will continue to face many barriers and obstacles throughout college and beyond, but through this experience I have gained the confidence to face and handle them. I suggest ending with a metaphor that ties in your speech impediment--give it a little pizzazz! hehe]

Overall, very good topic to write about! I really liked the organization. Just fix a few of the grammatical and awkward statements, and I believe this could be a great essay :)

Would you be so kind as to review my essay as well? :D

josie94

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / Peruvian Influence-Common Application Essay + Fashion-Common App Short Answer [2]

I do wonder whether my short answer for the Common Application says enough about me, or if it is a good topic to write about. Any critiques are kindly appreciated!

I felt euphoric as I stood amidst a cloud of heaving, rushing figures. They maneuvered around me as if each graceful movement was carefully choreographed. The movement was dizzying but exhilarating. This was the beauty of Fashion Week, and I was to model the night's elegances. Each time I become part of this scintillating myriad of fabric, color, and opulence, my usual pallid demeanor diminishes, and I am essentially transformed.

Peeking through the curtains, I observed the rare and exotic birds of fashion. I wondered what experiences had shaped these individuals, knowing that being there had once been for them as distant a dream as it was for me. I thought of what makes me personally love fashion. Fashion is the light in the designer's eyes as he sews a heavenly mountain of red tulle on the show's final look. It is an artist's rendition-one that can be shown off, expressing the wearer without a word. It is pure passion, art, escapism, and joy. Above all, it is my love.

Also, this is my Common Application essay. I cannot decide whether to use this one, or the other essay I posted up that focuses solely on the Peruvian anticucho dish rather than my family's influence. For the CommonApp, I think I should stick with this one, but if you guys have any opinions, feel free to say. The word count right now is 477 out of the 500 allowed. Thanks for the help! Here it is:

"ĄJosefina!" sounded the loud, yet comforting voice of my grandmother from the other room, addressing me in Spanish. The wafts of decadent culinary incense drew me from my bubblegum-pink room and Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go! to the kitchen below. As I descended, echoes of laughter reverberated on the crackling walls and wobbly handrails I gripped. I entered the kitchen, and glanced around at the familiar scene: my perpetually hearty grandmother-resplendent in a stained apron and donning a brilliant smile-surrounded by boisterous family members. Their eyes shone, as did mine, with anxious anticipation for what awaited them. At that moment, they awaited my grandmother's succulent anticucho dish. I reveled in the perfection of the scene.

I was six years old and blissfully naïve as I devoured the Peruvian delicacy. I knew not of my family members' prior hardships or of the impact their tales of foreign strife would have on me. Nostalgic tales were passed around the dinner table along with the condiments. As histories unraveled, I took a mental journey through the rolling hills of Huancayo, Peru and was humbled by the depictions of strife I never knew existed. From sharing one pair of shoes to dealing with the death of their sibling, misfortune was to them recurrent and normal. I carried this lesson with me, and continuously reminded myself that no disappointing test grade, deep-felt regret, or personal failure could ever match the adversity faced by them or others. Should I include more anecdotal evidence? Or elaborate more, perhaps? I feel as if I should be telling a story without making generalizations such as these, but it is difficult to do so.

A few years after that memorable dinner, I bade farewell to the crusted walls of the urban neighborhood and the familiar faces. The next reluctant step was to pack my urban memories and move into suburbia. No longer would I slip into fantasy in the shelter of my room or my inspirational children's stories. During the transition, my roots would play pivotal role in helping me build myself along the way. My grandmother, in a voice that carried the elusive secrets of the future, often repeated in Spanish that no matter what I am stripped or deprived of, what cannot be claimed is the knowledge I held. I frequently recalled this piece of advice. I pushed myself further each academic year, and sensed my improvement.

I have recently realized how profoundly a child is shaped by his or her familial roots and environment. The eyes of my family shine as they did long ago as I recount to them my college plans and future endeavors. Unfortunately, my grandmother passed away before she could ever indulge in the knowledge of my collegiate advances. Her tender, powerful words still ring in my mind in spouts of downcast melancholy. My family has helped define who I am and who I strive to become. It seems only fair that, perhaps, if I should receive an acceptance letter, it should be addressed to me and my family.

I would gladly revise any essays in return! :)

josie94

Dec 14, 2011

Undergraduate / "Finding Strength in Water" - UC Prompt [4]

I am so very sorry that I didn't get to this sooner! I was planning on getting to this, but completely forgot about essayforum since no one else replied to my posts, and I had already turned those the essays that I wrote here in. Thank you, though, for the feedback! I only hope that the admissions have at least half of the sentiments you expressed for my essays.

I read through the first draft and the one that devotchka revised, and she definitely caught the more prominent errors. (I hope the "across the word" in the first paragraph was changed to "world"). Overall, I really liked the analogy made between the fluidity of the water and the that of your constant moving. Water is a very easy-to-depict image, and it fits wonderfully :) Hope all goes well with your acceptances! I might be putting up my Vassar essay, but it's due tomorrow anyways, and I'm not sure what anybody can really say about it in that time span!

By the way, do you know how to delete my previous posts?