Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
500 word max
any amount of feedback is great.
Let's go back to the summer after my freshman year of high school. Everyone knows that that's an interesting time, and just to make it a bit more interesting, my parents finally managed to ship me off to camp. But of course I had to promise my girlfriend that I would write to her, and thanks to young love, I can now share a piece of it with the world.
"Ok now it starts getting crazy . . . first you have to understand I'm not making this up; it was insane and scared the shit out of me at first...
We were eating dinner and out of nowhere this guy comes running down the driveway with his head all bloody and just collapses face first in the grass . . . at first I think it's just another training exercise, so I don't react very immediately, but I end up in the yurt holding a towel over his face; apparently he was at the casino and was drunk and got the shit kicked out of him by six other drunk guys, over some girl." (You wrote this to your girlfriend . . . yes?)
It actually was just an exercise (It's not clear what "it" is), but we didn't find that out until a bit later. While this experience opened my eyes, it was the man who created the whole Tribal Edge program and training center that changed my life.
I wasn't a naturally shy child. In fact in my much younger years I was quite outgoing. If I had a fault, it would have been being overly analytical and sensitive. Never making the same mistake, I gradually became frightened of stepping outside of myself. Drawing away from friendships that had taken me years to create, rarely talking through my shroud of insecurity, I was pushing myself away from the world. While I only had a few real friends by the time I made it to high school, I did end up with a girlfriend, though it's something of a mystery as to how that happened. I'm sure my teachers couldn't complain. I did my work, collected decent grades, and almost never talked during class. But slowly it changed. (The part that comes next is abrupt . . . you need to end this paragraph, or start the next one, by overtly linking Ben Sanford to your change)
Ben Sanford is the most humble man you will ever meet who could kill you in under 30 seconds (your readers will not meet Ben Sanford, so don't use "you" . . . Perhaps simply write, "Ben Sanford is a humble man, but he could kill someone in under 30 seconds, yet he has never been in a single fight"), yet has never been in a single fight. His teachings mix spiritual, ethical, and physical principles for survival. It's the idea of being the Warrior, a scholar, protector, and healer
Because of him I have learned to be a student of the world, and in turn explore within myself. To push my limits, and discover what is necessary to achieve when I am competing against myself. My experience with Ben changed how I determine what is important in life: to do something for the sake of the thing itself, to learn for knowledge, to work to help others, and to challenge myself because I enjoy it.
Over the last three years I have changed many things. I still get out to his gym occasionally but have less and less time now as I lose time to friends, school, and sports. I actively work to connect with peers, get the most I can from school and am the cross-country team captain. But his ever-present influence is still constant.
I can honestly say that I am quite confused by the organization of the essay. I do get from the first paragraph that you are about to share snippets of love letters, and create an essay out of these past memories, but you switch too abruptly and give no explanation, really, as you go from a love letter to talking about a fight, to yourself as a child, and end with a shoddy attempt to throw in a leadership role by mentioning you being the team captain. Maybe it's the way there are interjections in it, maybe from someone who already revised it for you, or the way everything is mashed together, but I simply do not get this. I say, stick with one idea! If I'm missing something, please explain, because I would like to help you!
If you have any free time, would you be so kind as to review my essay as well? :)
