Undergraduate / questions on UC personal statement [2]

Promt #1

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experiences you have in the field - such as volunteer work, internships, and employment, participation in student organizations and activities- and what you have gained from your involvement.

> Would it be better if I start the essay " My intended major is ...."?
or should I start with a story that I'm going to write and address my major in the middle or end?

Promt #2

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are.

I have two experiences to write about in mind and don't know which to choose.

One is about my life after I came to US two years ago ( how challenging it was in the beginning and how I handle the situation ),

and second one is about my 3 year of volunteering ( I worked with physically and mentally handicapped children. I can write about what I learned from it ) experience in high school.

Which one would be more appropriate for the promt? Which one is going to show more who I am?

Undergraduate / "What Men Live by?" - Leo Tolstoy once asked this question in one of his famous novels [4]

This is my rough draft.
I'm an ESL student so probably there are lots of grammar errors.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are.

"What Men Live by?" Leo Tolstoy once asked this question in one of his famous novels. Each person may pursue different value in one's life. Personally, I put happiness as the first priority of my life. Then, where does happiness come from? I got the answer from an unforgettable experience in my school days, and it opened my eyes to other people's lives.

After I entered high school, I wanted to make a change in my life which was limited within school and home. That is how I joined a school volunteer club called "Doree". Every Sunday morning our club members visited The House of Sunshine, a rehabilitation facility for children with cerebral palsy and worked with the 31 children there. Most of them were abandoned by their parents and living at the facility, considering each other as brothers and sisters. The first time I met the children, I felt pity for them because I assumed they were unhappy with their parents' absence and their handicaps. However, I was totally wrong. They did not think they had no parent because for them, all the volunteers were their moms and dads. Although they couldn't move and talk as freely as I could with their physical and mental handicaps, they seemed brighter and happier than anyone else. Also, their eyes were sparkling like crystals, and their minds were pure like water in a still lake.

For the three years that I volunteered at The House of Sunshine, every Sunday morning I left home with sleepy eyes but came back with full of warmth and happiness in my mind. All I could do for the children was clean the rooms, mop the floor, organize donated things, fundraise for the facility, play with them, and help them eat meals. In return, however, I got priceless lessons carved deep in my heart which will last for the rest of my life. I realized the preciousness of what I had - my family who loved me just the way I was, my sweet home which was always there for me, and my strong body. I took them for granted because I was so used to having them like we usually forget to thank the air which lets us breathe. I also realized that happiness does not come from our possessions but from our attitude of mind that appreciate what we are given in our lives. Moreover,...

Once I heard that in a Native American language, a friend means 'someone who bears your burden on his back'. I am proud that I became someone who is willing to be a friend of people who need me and bear their burden on my back without judging them by looking at their surface. And surprisingly, happiness knocks on my door when I try to make others happy. Today, the fire started insided of me three years ago is still burning, keeping my inner world warm and encouraging me to deliver the lessons I learned to others.

Undergraduate / "the day I first came to America" - admission essay [2]

Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are.

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I remember the day I first came to America. I was in the LAX airport, looking around the totally strange place which was full of strangers. All I could hear was the strangers' buzzing. At that moment, I realized that I was in America, and my heart started to beat fast.

Until April 25, 2006 I had never been away from my country, Korea. For 18 years, I had grown up being around people who used the same language as me and had black hair and brown eyes. I was having... However, my mother wanted to give me and my little brother more chances in our education and lives. One day she grabbed a huge Nursing book written all in English, telling us she would restart her career in America. It was at her age of 48 after being a housewife for 11 years after quitting her career as a nurse. Sometimes I saw her fallen asleep with the huge book and a pen in her hands and glasses on her face. A year later, she really passed the RN exam, and that is how my mother, brother, and I came to the U.S.

Above all, language barrier was the biggest issue. First a few weeks, I was like a breathing statue who could not talk. I blushed like a tomato even before I opened my mouth. It was not only because of my poor English but also because of my lack of confidence. The first day in College of Marin, the lecture sounded like, "Let's,, blah ..you.. and blah blah.." From the next day, I recorded the lectures and listened to them at home. Also, I used to "draw" the teacher's cursive note on my notebook and spent time at home to figure out what it meant. At night, I watched movies like Spider Man with English subtitle and dictionary beside me.

Gradually the strangers' buzzing became words, and later on it finally became successive sentences to my ears. I could laugh at teacher's joke with my classmates. It took days and days for me to get English papers done and read text books for my exams, but my hard work and time I spent were rewarded by all A's in my transcript. Simple words are not enough to describe how I felt when I saw myself improving day by day.

Besides language barrier, as a side effect of dramatic change in environment, I suffered from the nostalgia and depression as well. I missed my friends and family in Korea so much, and my days used to start and end with deep sighs and tears. However, I found out some strategies which helped me cope with the negative feelings. For example, writing handwritten letters soothed the nostalgia and playing piano calmed my waving emotion. Also, whenever I was tempted to give up, I thought about my mother who chose a challenge at her late age, leaving her comfortable life in Korea to give her children better education and lives.

It is November 2008, and here I am. The speechless girl who blushed like a tomato is now working at the tutoring center, helping people with math and physics. She also became a vice president of one of the school clubs. Once an American historian Bernice Johnson Reagon said, "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you. They're supposed to help you discover who you are." It was not an easy journey, but after going through it all by myself, what I found within me were the strong will, courage, responsibility, and confidence. I am proud that I won from the fight with myself and develop myself though it. I consider I just made one step. Still there is far more to go. There will be more challenges later in my life. However, I am no longer afraid of them. I trust myself. I know I can and will handle it. I'm ready to make a big jump to get closer to the goal in my life.

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This is 667 words and I need to shrink it. Can you suggest me which part I should erase?

Also, I might have lots of grammer mistake and sentences or words which sound funny. Please correct grammar errors and sentence flow.

Lastly, I was having.. part, I didn't know how to connect the two sentences before and after "I was having...". Please give me some suggestion.