This is my rough draft.
I'm an ESL student so probably there are lots of grammar errors.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are.
"What Men Live by?" Leo Tolstoy once asked this question in one of his famous novels. Each person may pursue different value in one's life. Personally, I put happiness as the first priority of my life. Then, where does happiness come from? I got the answer from an unforgettable experience in my school days, and it opened my eyes to other people's lives.
After I entered high school, I wanted to make a change in my life which was limited within school and home. That is how I joined a school volunteer club called "Doree". Every Sunday morning our club members visited The House of Sunshine, a rehabilitation facility for children with cerebral palsy and worked with the 31 children there. Most of them were abandoned by their parents and living at the facility, considering each other as brothers and sisters. The first time I met the children, I felt pity for them because I assumed they were unhappy with their parents' absence and their handicaps. However, I was totally wrong. They did not think they had no parent because for them, all the volunteers were their moms and dads. Although they couldn't move and talk as freely as I could with their physical and mental handicaps, they seemed brighter and happier than anyone else. Also, their eyes were sparkling like crystals, and their minds were pure like water in a still lake.
For the three years that I volunteered at The House of Sunshine, every Sunday morning I left home with sleepy eyes but came back with full of warmth and happiness in my mind. All I could do for the children was clean the rooms, mop the floor, organize donated things, fundraise for the facility, play with them, and help them eat meals. In return, however, I got priceless lessons carved deep in my heart which will last for the rest of my life. I realized the preciousness of what I had - my family who loved me just the way I was, my sweet home which was always there for me, and my strong body. I took them for granted because I was so used to having them like we usually forget to thank the air which lets us breathe. I also realized that happiness does not come from our possessions but from our attitude of mind that appreciate what we are given in our lives. Moreover,...
Once I heard that in a Native American language, a friend means 'someone who bears your burden on his back'. I am proud that I became someone who is willing to be a friend of people who need me and bear their burden on my back without judging them by looking at their surface. And surprisingly, happiness knocks on my door when I try to make others happy. Today, the fire started insided of me three years ago is still burning, keeping my inner world warm and encouraging me to deliver the lessons I learned to others.
What do you think? I read it over and over again, and for some reason I feel like
something's missing and each paragraph is not connected well enough.
First paragraph sounds good? or am I too focused on "happiness"?
After moreover on third paragraph, I wanted to mention something like "I could understand other people and wanted to help them.. blah blah.." but I didn't want to use the word "help". That's little bit vague and too common. right?
Any comments will be appreciate.
Good evening :)
What Men Live by?" Double check this quote; should it be "What do men live by?" Whichever way it is, make sure this quote is accurate. Leo Tolstoy once asked this question in one of his famous novels. Each person may pursue different values in their lives . Personally, I put happiness as the first priority of my life. Then, where does happiness come from? I got the answer from an unforgettable experience in my school days, and it opened my eyes to other people's lives. I don't think this section is too confusing; I think it sounds good.
A very nice piece. With a little cleaning up, it will be much improved.
Thank you so much!!! by the way are you still working at this late night?.. I feel bad..:(
"What Men Live by" is actually the title of Tolstoy's novel. It is not a question. So how can I change Leo Tolstoy once asked this question in one of his famous novels.
Also, the reason I was not pleased with my essay overall was that the first paragragh was mainly talking about happiness, but the last paragragh is more about "my having a warm heart.." Do you have any idea that i can solve this problem without expanding the whole essay too much? (I already have more than 500 words..)
Also, I was worried that I might be repeating the same word too often.
Finally, I was wondering if "the fire started inside of me" sounds funny.. :)
What do you think?
