Undergraduate / "I'm a Mexican female" - UC Personal statement Prompt numero uno! [2]

I think I'm having trouble with passive voice and active voice...help por favor?
And i dont mind harsh criticism. =]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I can step outside my front door, and look across the street and see a house where someone was shot. When walking to school, I have to walk down another street where drug dealers and gangsters inhabit rundown houses. Past that, I have to walk along a busy street, and pass the drunks hanging out at the 7-Eleven. As I walk, many men honk and whistle in inappropriate ways. I am just a girl and all that I am trying to do is get to school. In no way am I like the prostitutes in the hotels that I also walk by. My daily path is literally paved with dangers and the constant fear of my own safety. Both of my parents leave for work at four a.m. and I know my responsibilities are about going to school; I have no other options other than to walk. When I walk, I face a battle to conquer my fears in an unstable environment. My ability to make it through those tough situations has given me good common sense and the strength as an individual. As hope for a life less frightening, I aspire to become a first generation college student and not fall into the current of my down-spiraling community. I have proved to myself that I can make it on my own without any distractions.

Despite the more looked upon bad examples, my community also shares some excellent and humbling examples of hard working people. They achieve success by not owning a big house or driving nice cars, but by providing for their families even on a low-income salary. Many of the families in my community came from nothing and worked hard to achieve something. For me, they have defined success, and I am inspired by their determination to work as hard as they do, or harder. My willingness to work hard has resulted in keeping up my grades and not ever being afraid to try something new.

Although my school environment closely mimics the customs of my community, school has been my bright light through the dark paths. By expanding my opportunities, school has guided me to an understanding of what lies beyond my concrete jungle community. In school, I was able to explore my interests, and even attempt new things that I would have never of guessed that I would be interested in. My experiences at school have caused me to become open minded as I grew a sense of optimism for my environment. I learned hope is never to be lost.

My key to this survival story is my capabilities of not letting fear or anything else affect my capabilities. Although my community is low-income and predominately Hispanic, I want to prove that it does not mean we have low expectations. I just can't stand being another statistic; I know that my community can do better and so I strive to change the numbers and risk sticking out as a true individual. I only have ideas for my future and I'm uncertain of what I want to do, but one thing is certain: I will not let the negative influences in my community affect me. I'm a Mexican female and I know I will be a first generation college student.

Undergraduate / Earthwatch experience.... Personal Statement number 2! [2]

I really need to downsize...help!
Did I stay on topic?? do I need to mention more of what makes me proud?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Every discovery comes from exploration. Exploration comes from opportunity. It all becomes a growing experience. Last November, I applied for the Earthwatch Student Challenge Award Program, after recommendation from Mrs. Bravo, my former science teacher. I was not exactly sure what I was signing myself up for, but I was encouraged by the details of the program. All Earthwatch expedition groups were led by professionals in a field of science, and all accommodations are paid for the Student Challenge Award Program winners. I was hesitant to apply at first because I did not have a strong background in science, nor have I ever traveled alone and lived with strangers. Mrs. Bravo reassured that it would and become a prospect for my future, and encouraged me to send the application in. I became so eager, that I cried when I thought I missed the post mark date. After two months of grueling anticipation, I received an acceptance packet with my planned expedition: Transient Phenomena in Astrophysics.

I had mixed emotions: happy about the feeling of acceptance, scared about meeting seven strangers, confused about astrophysics, anxious about traveling. Although I had inner issues about comfort zone I accepted the award and vowed to myself to astrophysics for two weeks. On July 6, I left my parents at the security checks, I hoped onto a plane headed towards Los Alamos, New Mexico, crying half of the way.

When I arrived in New Mexico, the seven other strangers from around the country had faces. They became more familiar once we started to eat, hang out, and learn together. The Astrophysicists from the Los Alamos National Laboratory and the other expedition leaders were down to earth people who shared a passion for decoding the mysteries of space. Their lectures were exciting and enriching. I was taught so much. The most elevating experience of the expedition was the late night observing. I explored the sky with my bright eyes and astonishment. There were so many stars! I felt like I have just discovered shiny, everlasting diamonds. They belonged to everyone, and put on display for the whole world to see; that is, if the clouds do not steal them away.

Throughout my experience, I grew as a person by taking chances. It was rough leaving home, but I became more independent because of it. I will always be able to remember my journey into astrophysics because it makes me proud of myself for going out of my comfort zones, and even my own beliefs to give an opportunity a chance. Although I was accepted, applying made me the most proud. Earthwatch has readied me for my independence when I reach college.