I think I'm having trouble with passive voice and active voice...help por favor?
And i dont mind harsh criticism. =]
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I can step outside my front door, and look across the street and see a house where someone was shot. When walking to school, I have to walk down another street where drug dealers and gangsters inhabit rundown houses. Past that, I have to walk along a busy street, and pass the drunks hanging out at the 7-Eleven. As I walk, many men honk and whistle in inappropriate ways. I am just a girl and all that I am trying to do is get to school. In no way am I like the prostitutes in the hotels that I also walk by. My daily path is literally paved with dangers and the constant fear of my own safety. Both of my parents leave for work at four a.m. and I know my responsibilities are about going to school; I have no other options other than to walk. When I walk, I face a battle to conquer my fears in an unstable environment. My ability to make it through those tough situations has given me good common sense and the strength as an individual. As hope for a life less frightening, I aspire to become a first generation college student and not fall into the current of my down-spiraling community. I have proved to myself that I can make it on my own without any distractions.
Despite the more looked upon bad examples, my community also shares some excellent and humbling examples of hard working people. They achieve success by not owning a big house or driving nice cars, but by providing for their families even on a low-income salary. Many of the families in my community came from nothing and worked hard to achieve something. For me, they have defined success, and I am inspired by their determination to work as hard as they do, or harder. My willingness to work hard has resulted in keeping up my grades and not ever being afraid to try something new.
Although my school environment closely mimics the customs of my community, school has been my bright light through the dark paths. By expanding my opportunities, school has guided me to an understanding of what lies beyond my concrete jungle community. In school, I was able to explore my interests, and even attempt new things that I would have never of guessed that I would be interested in. My experiences at school have caused me to become open minded as I grew a sense of optimism for my environment. I learned hope is never to be lost.
My key to this survival story is my capabilities of not letting fear or anything else affect my capabilities. Although my community is low-income and predominately Hispanic, I want to prove that it does not mean we have low expectations. I just can't stand being another statistic; I know that my community can do better and so I strive to change the numbers and risk sticking out as a true individual. I only have ideas for my future and I'm uncertain of what I want to do, but one thing is certain: I will not let the negative influences in my community affect me. I'm a Mexican female and I know I will be a first generation college student.
Good afternoon :)
I don't think you have a problem with voice at all! As a matter of fact, I think you have one of the more confident tones and voices I've read! Your content is good, and I think it's a great fit for the prompt. The only suggestion I can really make is watch out for contractions; they shouldn't be used in formal academic writing. "Can't" should be "cannot."
Great work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
