Posts by drman54

drman54

Nov 30, 2008

Undergraduate / Elaborate on Extra Curricular Activity: "Ace Mentor Program" [4]

Hi I just want to say thank you for anyone who checks my essay. I will definitely help out this site.

Essay Prompt:

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Here is my essay:

Wouldn't it be great if life was full of signs that told people what they would enjoy doing with the rest of their lives? Well, life isn't necessarily giving blunt signs of what you should do, but ambitious people can always seek out what their passions are. That's why I joined the ACE Mentor Program. A group of students are selected to work with an architect, an interior designer, or a civil engineer. Students can observe each of these professionals and choose what they are more interested in. I enjoyed working with Mr. Gill, the civil engineer at the firm. He showed me drafts of structures and allowed interns to sit with him in a meeting where a project was discussed. This job incorporates my love of structures, provides an array of work environments ranging from construction sites to round table offices, and incorporates individual and group work.

[Its 148 words.]

Again thank you, please be critical. I will come back when its not 2:30 in the morning to read other essays.

I wish I would've known this site existed earlier! :)

drman54

Nov 30, 2008

Undergraduate / 'figure skating since I was 12' - CommonApp Short Answer, "activity [4]

It means to just elaborate on ONE activity, not more than one. It wants you to explain what its about and how/why its important to you.

I skated and immediately loved it. <That sentence seems redundant and unnecessary. You can just add that to your first sentence.

Try this:

I know I sound like every other girl, but ever since I was 12 years old I have loved figure skating.

I modified your first sentence because the excessive commas are too distracting.

Try not to insert too many clauses in between a sentence because it distracts people from the main idea of the original sentence.

drman54

Nov 30, 2008

Undergraduate / Elaborate on Extra Curricular Activity: "Ace Mentor Program" [4]

thank you Neva, i took off most of the contractions and took the beginning you wrote.

I also changed everything to past tense.

drman54

Dec 25, 2008

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay. (Not titled yet) [5]

ESSAY PROMPT: Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest.

MY ESSAY:

Imagine waking up to the sound of wheels grinding against a rail. Well, that's how some, if not most, people live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Homes should be a place of tranquility or chaos, but it should be the person's choice, regardless of where the home stands. This affects our health and quality of life and just because some can't afford better living conditions doesn't mean we should sacrifice health to have a roof. I want to be an inventor - not for the wealthy - but for those with developing spirits that need a thriving environment to succeed. I want to take my love for math and science and dedicate myself to engineering better and more cost effective neighborhoods, and improve the quality of life.

Our homes need windows that reflect sound waves to machines that harvest the waves to generate energy, or maybe I could make roads made of tree roots that extend miles so more trees could be planted and the demand for a "greener" environment could be satisfied. Maybe they are fanciful ideas, but as a prospective engineering student, I must know that nothing is impossible. Sound waves, trees, and many other resources have yet to be collected and used to their maximum potential. This is America. We don't just let the sun shine and the wind blow; we put them to work. I know that I am here to do just that.

I need to get the most of my education. So I assured that the environment presented at the College of Engineering was optimal for me. I visited the campus and found a more than suitable environment to work and study in, but that is not all. Cornell makes students take an introduction to engineering course to explore the different fields of engineering. Although I am currently interested in studying civil engineering, I may find an even more interesting field to study during my time in that course, and that type of flexibility that Cornell offers assures that I will truly study what I am most interested in. After I am sure about what I want to do, I will begin doing research in my field of study. Cornell offers many engineering groups and research opportunities for students to participate in. The College of Engineering even has an Engineering Management minor that will aid me in another one of my goals: to own my own business just like my dad.

Cornell will challenge me beyond the creative edges of my mind to engineer impossible possibilities. Let my actions prove to you that I will go beyond the College of Engineering's expectations and, more importantly, my own. I'm ready to take chemicals and rulers and make towers and roads. All I need is for Cornell University to point the way.

____________________________________________________________ ____________

Ok so tell me if the essay is good or bad b4 you start making corrections, because I'll rewrite the whole thing if need be!

Thanks to anyone who reads its, and I'll continue helping others will their essays.

drman54

Dec 25, 2008

Undergraduate / Among all majors, I believe engineering helps us enhance our lives; Columbia Short Answers [4]

Being located in the city of New York, Columbia University stands out for its vast diversity among the campus.

(Its students are in such a global community that many ideas are probably engineered and influenced by many different cultures.)

I'm not entirely sure what you were trying to say with the original sentence. If I modified it to the point where your original idea was lost, then do not take my sentence and explain what you were trying to convey.

In today's society, working as a team is one of most crucial skills we need to succeed; Columbia's environment provides an opportunity to gain such skill naturally. I want to attend a university where I can immerse myself in various cultures, learn from them, and use that to become a better well− rounded individual.

End Result:

Being located in the city of New York, Columbia University stands out for its vast diversity among the campus. Its students are in such a global community that many ideas are probably engineered and influenced by many different cultures. In today's society, working as a team is one of most crucial skills we need to succeed; Columbia provides an opportunity to gain such skill naturally. I want to attend a university where I can immerse myself in various cultures, learn from them, and use that to become a better well− rounded individual.

Btw, your original essay was great; I just added words to tie the essay's main idea together. (With the exception of that one sentence I didn't understand)

____________________________________________________________ ______________

Among all majors, ~~I believe~~ engineering helps to enhance our lives tremendously. Take a look around; everything we use is made by engineers: tables, lights, chairs, beds, even the houses (I added an "S" because I'm assuming you don't live with the guy reading this lol) we live in. I want to spend my life learning the complex ways in which objects work and challenging my creativity to engineer better products. (The word "things" sucks in my opinion. Try to avoid it when writing essays, you can always be more specific.)~~The~~ engineers are required to solve ~~the~~ problems in many different situations, developing the flexibility to adapt to where they are, and contrive the innovations. Those are the skills I want to gain in order to make the world a better place. (It's more than one skill. So i changed it for plurality)

End Result:

Among all majors, engineering helps to enhance our lives tremendously. Take a look around; everything we use is made by engineers: tables, lights, chairs, beds, and even the houses we live in. I want to spend my life learning the complex ways in which objects work and challenging my creativity to engineer better products. Engineers are required to solve problems in many different situations. Thus, they need to develop the flexibility to adapt to where they are and contrive innovations. These are the skills I want to gain in order to make the world a better place.

THE PART I BOLDED... try to develop your idea more in the last few sentences. I'm also a prospective engineering student. I think the situation doesn't matter much, for example your sentence could be telling the reader "Engineers need to learn how to work when its cold outside and when its raining, so they need the flexiblility to work in different areas." I think the idea you are trying to convey is "Engineers have to learn to deal with many different problems and learn to be flexible with their creativity."

I think the latter idea will develop your essay better, try again on the last few sentences.

drman54

Dec 26, 2008

Undergraduate / 'disciplinary lessons' - Tufts - Short Answer [6]

I have always been surrounded by a lot(1.) of people, and I am blessed that there were so many(2.) individuals cared for me and taught me the essential lessons in life. From(3.) my parents, for example, I learned more of the disciplinary lessons like respecting elders, being polite, studying hard, never giving up, etc. From(3.) other people that surrounded me: teachers, baby sitters, mentors, and friends, I learned lessons like(6.) sharing, giving,(7.) and being friendly. Of course my parents taught me the lessons that my teachers and peers taught me and vice versa, but it was obvious which lessons each group stressed.(4.) Because I was influenced by so many people(1.), I have embodied the different(5.) ideals of those that surround me and have grown to truly become a "people person." As cliché as it may sound, I would never be the person I am today if it were not for those dear to my heart.

1.) Be more specific. Instead of an adjective that describes the amount of people, use an adjective that describes what type of people, were they diverse, were they jerks, were they amusing? Or use more than one adjective.

2.) (Many of those) Replace with this sentence
3.) Try not to start sentences with "From." It causes issues with flow. (Check bottom paragraph)
4.) This sentence is not necessary and doesn't develop the essay at all. The most you can gain from that sentence is that people stressed important lessons. Make the sentence shorter or check my suggestion on the bottom paragraph.

5.) Try an adjective that describes what type of ideals. Use the word "positive."
6.) You don't have to put "like" here because you already said "for example."
7.) "Sharing" and "Giving" seem redundant. Get rid of one or add another word.

My Example and End Result: (Try this, modify as you please.)

I have always been surrounded by devoted and concerned people, and I am blessed that many of those individuals cared for me and taught me the essential lessons in life. For example, my parents taught me disciplinary lessons: respecting elders, being polite, studying hard, never giving up, etc. Other people that surrounded me, teachers, baby sitters, mentors, and friends, taught me lessons like sharing, being involved, and being friendly. Both groups stressed the lessons they wanted me to embrace the most. Because I was influenced by these concerned individuals, I have embodied the positive ideals of those that surround me and have grown to truly become a "people person." As cliché as it may sound, I would never be the person I am today if it were not for those dear to my heart.

Ok so here's my opinion on your essay as a whole:

Your essay is fine as it is, however, it needs an edge. Unless you truly live in the ideal environment and things have gone so smoothly for you that you've never had any problems then this essay is great, but how about you try and incorporate something that shows how you overcame a struggle in your community that developed you as a person. It makes you seem more realistic when you show that you have struggled. And honestly, it wouldn't take that long. Just add one or two sentences that show either: What your community has taught you and how you've used it (This shows your school how you've truly been shaped) OR How your community taught you a lesson (This shows the school your struggle and makes you seem more realistic.)

drman54

Dec 26, 2008

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

Yes it is safe. It's perfectly fine to look for advice on essays, schools encourage it.

As far as safety and protection goes, your REAL NAME should be at the bottom corner, Catherine Zhu. So if anyone takes your essay, you will always have your real name at the bottom.

lol, I'd love to see the idiot who tries to steal one of these essays! Your email and name are attached to your account, so you'll always have proof you posted it.

drman54

Dec 26, 2008

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay. (Not titled yet) [5]

Thanks ALOT! It's nice to here that. Ok so I took your advice and took out descriptions and added more detail as to why I want to go there and my goals. I added alot to the third paragraph!

BTW: Whoever's reading, I need help transitioning my paragraphs, I feel like I jump from one idea to the next. Do I?

Also are there any grammatical errors, or redundancy?

drman54

Jan 20, 2009

Undergraduate / UMich Essay: Discuss an Issue of Local Concern ("The British are coming!") [7]

Essay Prompt: Discuss an issue of local concern. Why is this issue important to you? How do you think it should be addressed?

"The last person to get across [name of city] in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!" − Lewis Black. Why is it that Paul Revere had to be the last person to travel through a large city with ease? Living in New York City (NYC) can be an incredible hassle when it comes to traveling; especially with the way NYC has been handling public transportation, including buses and trains. Buses are now subject to much traffic and trains are usually filled to capacity − it literally looks like people are vacuum sealed into a metal box. Congestion has many affects on people's everyday lives: I lose sleep on a regular basis to take an early train to arrive to locations on time, and taking a bus can feel overwhelming because you will probably be standing for a forty five minute period with many people crowding around you.

Once upon a time you could enter a train that was closing its doors and they would reopen to avoid causing you harm. However, trains no longer have that feature and doors will not reopen even if you are half way through the door. Clearly, this is hazardous because people may get harmed as they walk in. However this is the "solution" that NYC has presented to keep schedules. Instead, they should allow officers to give fines to people who obstruct the closing of doors. Although this may seem extreme, it would allow people to slow down and think before they damage the schedule or cause themselves injuries; plus, it would increase government funding, which, in turn, could be used to fund public transportation.

As for buses, NYC should simply add more bus lines to the city. Instead, they are currently funding to make buses longer. Although this may seem like a good idea, longer buses disrupt the general traffic, as buses are already too long, and when these longer buses make turns, it becomes a hazard to people walking in the street and to cars waiting on intersections.

It isn't all bad though. The newest form of public transportation is called "dollar vans." They are vans that cost two dollars and only allow 9 people inside. This is great because they never get too crowded, and there seem to be plenty on the street. I'm hoping NYC funds these vehicles to avoid adding more buses.

If worse comes to worst, we could all just mount our horses and follow Paul Revere's example. As of now, changes are being made, but whether or not they are beneficial is another subject matter, for example, forcing doors to close on people isn't exactly the safest way to keep schedules. Needless to say, congestion may always be a problem in NYC, but hopefully someday we can stop packing people into tuna cans − I mean trains − and start organizing a better, safer, and more comfortable traveling system.

Who knows? Maybe it could be my job one day.

I want your general opinion please, and of course if you spot grammatical errors, please report them. :)

Thank you!

drman54

Jan 21, 2009

Undergraduate / "Sports fanatics" - My activities have helped me understand the workings of different world cultures [4]

Hey, the essay prompt for the common app says

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Only choose one. Try and develop your favorite club more. I think you have more of a vested interest in the second one, but choose which ever. It's best to follow instructions.

drman54

Jan 21, 2009

Undergraduate / SUNY or Common App which is better ? [9]

Ummmm, Buffalo requires an essay regardless if you choose the common app or suny app.

I chose the Suny app for buffalo, and after I finished applying, they sent me the supplement, in which I had to write a really long essay, so either way you will be writing at least one essay.

I would go with the SUNY app because it is what all SUNY's prefer.

drman54

Jan 27, 2009

Undergraduate / UMich Essay: Discuss an Issue of Local Concern ("The British are coming!") [7]

Thanks guys, great advice. I decided to only talk about public transportation because, I agree with Sean that I don't seem to focus on either. So I changed quite a bit, and added a little more.

Thank you to anyone who helps me. I have to submit this soon, so if no changes, I may send it as is.