Essays / paper on cause and effect (shall I use the metaphor?) [3]

I have a few sentences that are close to becoming what I want but not exactly there yet.

"Our nations resources required sufficient means of handling wounded, traumatized, or emotional rollercoaster soldiers who returned from war."

or

"Our nations war effort required sufficient means of handling wounded, traumatized, or emotional rollercoaster soldiers who returned from war which currently show inadequate medical attention."

The begining is fine but the end is a ilttle shaky. I want to use the metaphor (emotional rollercoaster) but I am not exactly sure how to properly fit it in.

Once I get a few replys I will find more sentences but this is just one that has been bothering me. I am just looking for an outsider opinion/revision.

Thanks a lot,
Anthony

Undergraduate / "Can we make a difference in the world?" Notre Dame [8]

Well it has certainly been awhile since I have been here last. I only had about two posts anyways but I finally found my way back to the forums haha. I am applying to Notre Dame and I have written my first draft of my essay and would like a second opinion on how it is coming together and such.

If someone would be so kind to want to read it or evaluate it I will send it to them or just post it on here.

Thanks!

Edit: Mainly with the essay I have a few questions after you read it to see if you understood my tone and where I was going with some of my statements. Ahhh I'm so nervous about this! Haha

"1. The Rev. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C., President of the University of Notre Dame, said in his Inaugural Address that, "If we are afraid to be different from the world, how can we make a difference in the world?" In what way do you feel you are different from your peers, and how will this shape your contribution to the Notre Dame community?"

I am merely a normal, mildly popular teenager who thrives off of Starbucks coffee, obsesses over designer clothing, and loves to cook. I am a loyal subscriber and avid reader of Architectural Digest and a self-proclaimed, number one fan of the writer Tom Robbins. I am athletic to the point where my father flattered me with claims that I was the next Tiger Woods-however I knew better. In addition to golf, I enjoy playing and following almost every other sport imaginable.

I think being different is more of my secret identity. Sometimes I feel like I stand ten feet tall above the crowd but in reality I blend in like the average Joe. I have learned to not allow the few things that separate me bother me because they define who I am. If I am afraid of being ten feet tall, I am afraid of being myself. In a way, I am proud of the few things that make me different. I accept that I am one out of one thousand people my age who reads Architectural Digest and wears Ralph Lauren.

A community is composed of a diverse group of people with common goals. In my opinion, the key word in that definition and the point of Rev. Jenkins' quote is diversity. He suggests that with diversity comes great challenge but even greater reward. I believe I can contribute an abstract viewpoint on almost any subject and support my opinion with integrity and an open mind to conflicting ideas. I can accept others for who they are and relate to their own funny habits and interests and hopefully incorporate them into my education as well.

I hope my own personal character will help shape and define a group effort, or common goal, that will result in a positive influence in the Notre Dame community. If it were possible to mold together many diverse people and opinions into one communal effort, where would the possibilities end? I could only hope to be a part of it.

(Please note: I need to add more/finish the conclusion.)