jadarox
Feb 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'pressure of covering up for my brother' - Grade 10 Turning Point Essay [4]
I would really appreciate it if someone could help me edit my turning point essay. I know i am not good at writing so it sounds like a grade 6 wrote it.(im in grade 10) I need someones help re-writing very badly. I also have to add in 4 descriptive language techniques (eg. similes, metaphors, allusion, imagery etc.) Also feel free to make it more descriptive and add stuff in, it needs to be like alot longer. please help me!!
"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."
-Desmond Tutu
When i was younger my older brother was a huge influence in my life. I copied the things he did and said. I covered and lied for him when I needed too. But the pressure of highschool got to him and because of the four years age difference drugs, alcohal and the police were involved in my life at a young age.
I never knew what my brother was really doing until he started skipping school. It doesn't seem that bad but my brother missed so much school only making time for friends and drugs. The loud and tearful fights every night were tearing my family apart. This caused my mom to always be mad and worried which she sometimes took out on me. The apologies afterwards never seemed like enough.
I had to slowely watch as my brother ruined his life. He dropped out of school in grade 10 and lost his way in life. Drugs, money and pressure took a tole for the worst and he ended up in jail more than once. Covering up my brothers drug problem wasn't helping him get any better and i knew it. But who wants their brother to end up in jail again?
Almost 5 years later I finally watched my brother as he turned his life around. The pressure of covering up for my brother and his unhealthy ways were over. None of my money or possessions were being stolen anymore, our house was a safe place again and my mom became a happier person.
I would really appreciate it if someone could help me edit my turning point essay. I know i am not good at writing so it sounds like a grade 6 wrote it.(im in grade 10) I need someones help re-writing very badly. I also have to add in 4 descriptive language techniques (eg. similes, metaphors, allusion, imagery etc.) Also feel free to make it more descriptive and add stuff in, it needs to be like alot longer. please help me!!
"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."
-Desmond Tutu
When i was younger my older brother was a huge influence in my life. I copied the things he did and said. I covered and lied for him when I needed too. But the pressure of highschool got to him and because of the four years age difference drugs, alcohal and the police were involved in my life at a young age.
I never knew what my brother was really doing until he started skipping school. It doesn't seem that bad but my brother missed so much school only making time for friends and drugs. The loud and tearful fights every night were tearing my family apart. This caused my mom to always be mad and worried which she sometimes took out on me. The apologies afterwards never seemed like enough.
I had to slowely watch as my brother ruined his life. He dropped out of school in grade 10 and lost his way in life. Drugs, money and pressure took a tole for the worst and he ended up in jail more than once. Covering up my brothers drug problem wasn't helping him get any better and i knew it. But who wants their brother to end up in jail again?
Almost 5 years later I finally watched my brother as he turned his life around. The pressure of covering up for my brother and his unhealthy ways were over. None of my money or possessions were being stolen anymore, our house was a safe place again and my mom became a happier person.