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Posts by jxiao13
Joined: Feb 26, 2012
Last Post: Mar 1, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 3
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jxiao13   
Feb 26, 2012
Scholarship / Auto Industry Bailout - Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or intern... [3]

Hi everyone!
For a scholarship, I have to write an essay on the common app topic: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you in less than 500 words.

I chose the auto-industry bailout. Please read it over and give me any tips/suggestions or grammar mistakes!
Thanks :)

The auto industry really stands out as an example of the phrase "one man's trash is another man's treasure". During the economic crisis a couple of years ago, and even today during the presidential debates, somehow an issue of whether or not to help out an industry that supports hundreds of thousands of people became an issue of socialism, labor unions, and the downfall of American values. The lives of people like me, whose families depend on the industry, got lost in a game of politics. Even though it occurred over three years ago, the bailout of the auto industry is still quite prominent in my life, and in my home state of Michigan.

When the industry collapsed, I was only in the 8th grade. Before then, I had no reason to worry myself with the economy, politics, my future, or the future of the people around me. But suddenly I started noticing my parents were watching the news more than usual. I found out what was happening to the Big Three automakers, and it didn't take much more to piece together the logical sequence of destruction that would follow. General Motors was filing for bankruptcy. My mom, who worked for GM, would be out of a job. My dad, who worked for an auto supplier, would be unemployed as well as his company lost clients and joined the other suppliers in a domino chain of failed companies. All of my friends whose parents worked in the industry would find themselves in the same situation. My parents would have to find new jobs. So would my friends' parents. We would all have to move. How would we sell our house? Other people all over the country were already worried about their own job security, how would they feel about thousands of engineers moving to their hometowns, competing for their positions? Then, with everyone moving out of Michigan, my friends whose parents were doctors, or bankers - their parents would be out of work too. What would become of the great United States of America if an entire state became unemployed, all because of the downfall of an industry?

You can imagine how our lived were pinned to that bailout package passing Congress. The entire worst-case, yet extremely plausible, scenario could be avoided, and was avoided, with its passage. Yet, it still had its opponents, some of whom are campaigning for President in my home state at this very moment. To every person who opposed the bailout, I encourage them to think about us, the other man, the people who treasure the auto industry because it provides for their families. I want those opponents to view the bailout not as trash, not as the collapse of the market economy, or the rise of socialism, but as helping out me, the state of Michigan, and everyone else tied to the auto industry - people who are very grateful to be given a chance to survive.
jxiao13   
Mar 1, 2012
Scholarship / 'Biomedical engineering as my career for life' - essay i wrote for scholarship [4]

There are a lot of grammar mistakes in the first paragraph alone:
"since a very early age", "during the childhood" , "involved in the servicing and trouble-shooting", etc.
Also, avoid saying "To explore more myself my particulars and details of academic s are mention in below going paragraphs."
Instead, get straight to the point and just tell them about yourself and your academics, and how it relates to your passion for engineering. They should be able to understand from reading your essay that you are describing yourself. Otherwise, you have strong ideas, just fix up your grammar :)
jxiao13   
Mar 1, 2012
Book Reports / The Human Condition as Portrayed in The Merchant of Venice (Shakespeare's) [4]

Hi!
Good parallel structure in the beginning, but there is no need to repeat "are" every time, it just sounds clumsy.
"the true human condition through his characters' actions. They The characters are completely human. The "good" charactersones are not perfect, and the "bad" charactersones have feelings" just to get rid of the confusion with "they".

"do what is expected of them:which shows that people can be" to connect back to your idea that his characters are demonstrating human nature

"personas of? Shylock,and Antonio, Jessica, and Portia"
"Antonio owes him, yet me will not take the money"
"If he hashadany good in him, he "
"If Antonio had not been hateful to Shylock, Shylock would not want to kill him now." sounds awkward, especially because of the "now"

"Shylock iswasthe corruptivecorruptedman he was interpreted as in Shakespeare's day, buthe was also human"
"but she cannot not change the fact nevertheless" - maybe "but nevertheless, she cannot change that fact"
"not allowing Jessica to do many, if any, fun things" sounds awkward
"This still, however, is not an excuse" - "this however, is still not an excuse"
"If she is truly good, she would talk to Shylock about it before eloping" - change "it" to something more specific

"Why would she do that?It is because She does not fully trust "
"through the actions of Shylock, Jessica, and Portia. " - in the beginning, you list Antonio as well. Make sure your intro and conclusion match.

"But the complexity of their natures is what makes them human" - maybe put something about Shakespeare in your last sentence?

You have great ideas, you stick to your point, and you use quotes effectively. Just watch your verb tenses and your pronouns., and maybe try and come up with some transitions between the paragraphs? Good job!:)
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