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Posts by kthanhpn
Joined: Mar 27, 2012
Last Post: Mar 28, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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kthanhpn   
Mar 27, 2012
Scholarship / "How did art affect your life?" essay. "Hope" [5]

Prompt: How have the arts shaped your life so far, and why do you believe the arts are important? What art medium(s) do you use to express yourself, and how might you apply your passion for the arts to college and beyond? (300 word limit)

Hope

When I get home from my night class, it is already dark.

Father's on the computer. He doesn't acknowledge that I just came home. Four years ago, he came to the United States "for his daughter," only to face isolation and racism from "foreigners." It's already been two years since he's been laid off. Since then, he has withdrawn from any stimulation, including alcohol. He retreats into silence; the blame is deafening.

I greet him."Hi Dad."
No response.
I go to my room. Change. Dinner. Back to my room.
And then, it starts.

First, tentatively, a note.
Then, a chord.
A scene.
A feeling.

Then, June, by Tchaikovsky.

The month that I was born in.
The Barcarolle describing a haunting yet beautiful river.
The pervasive silence of cold rage and suppressed emotions underlining the legatos.

A reminder, that once upon a time, my dad lovingly saved up three months' worth of his salary to buy this piano from a thrift store. Ironically, it's the only communication medium left between us. Every night, I still play. Some day, I hope, the silence will die.

Music doesn't shape me. It's me, the story of me, each and every day, retold and reinterpreted countless times. Music keeps my identity by sharing with people across time and space. Music reminds me of who and what I am: vulnerable and human. What month I was born in. How I, too, am worthy of love. That I AM.

Not surprisingly, I can never "perform"; my inner self's too private to be onstage. Nonetheless, through music, I've become more sensitive to feelings and hopes and dreams. In retrospect, my passion for music gives me an appreciation for life. It guides my interactions with other people. Music gives me compassion, and a medium to heal.

It's hope.
kthanhpn   
Mar 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / Students who get suitable time they can opt in to work part-time [2]

What is the prompt of the essay? Is it a newspaper article? This affects the presentation style of this essay.

So far, your essay does not have an excellent hook.

"It is good for school and university students to take part-time jobs. Do you agree or disagree?"

Are you trying to persuade the reader to one side or the other? Or is your paper supposed to be ambivalent?
kthanhpn   
Mar 28, 2012
Scholarship / "How did art affect your life?" essay. "Hope" [5]

Hello,

Thank you for your feedback. However, I personally feel that the lyrical form conveys the music of the prompt better than typical essay format. This is probably due to personal preference; since this form feels the most like "me," (which I think suits the "art" portion of the prompt and expresses myself), I'm not planning to change.

However, are there any other comments regarding the approach? Are there any grammatical mistake? Do you have any feedback on the content?

Thank you!
kthanhpn   
Mar 28, 2012
Scholarship / "How did art affect your life?" essay. "Hope" [5]

Dear Luan,
What does rhyming achieve in this essay, aside from making it a poem? I think the purpose of an essay is to convey an idea. In this case, it's music.

Do you think the effect of an essay showing the influence of music on my life can be improved by making it more similar to a poem?

Thank you for your feedback.
kthanhpn   
Mar 28, 2012
Book Reports / Jackie Robinson 'courage and determination that inspire the present day young' [3]

Moreover, his childhood growing up in a fatherless home stands out as his greatest depiction of courage.
Childhood cannot be a depiction of courage. Depiction is usually something solid that materializes the concept "courage." Maybe his "defiance of the status quo"?

In his early stages of life, Robinson depicted courage growing up as a fatherless child. Furthermore, after his father left him and his family in 1920, Robinson garnered the courage to mature without a father figure. Even after moving to Pasadena, California after his father's departure, Robinson remained motivated to succeed. Living in small residential houses, Robinson understood the necessity to succeed in life despite the lack of a gather to guide him. Through determination, he achieved his fame. In addition, he also depicted courage in his quest to achieve civil rights.

Awkward sounding and wordy. "In his childhood" or "As he was growing up".
Again, same comment with "depicted." Maybe "demonstrated," "epitomized," etc. are better word options.
"Furthermore" usually indicates something that exacerbates another event. In this case, however, the father already left. Robinson just overcomes the lack of a father figure. His OVERCOMING does not exacerbate his lack of a father figure. I think it sounds better if you just delete the word. The logic follows just fine without it.

By this point, "courage" has been used like 5 times. Most readers would have picked up that Robinson is courageous. If you want to emphasize the idea, use a synonym. Otherwise, just focuses on Robinson's action and delete courage. I would prefer to write this as "Growing up without a father figure, Robinson nonetheless became a brave young man who was self-determined, despite all of the discrimination and hardships that he had to face."

Similar edits need to be made throughout your essay.

Just out of curiosity, your name sounds Viet. Are you an ESL student by any chance?
kthanhpn   
Mar 28, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'My Incredible Woman' - about a person I admire [3]

Every human being born into the world because of a woman.
Sentence lacks a verb. Born into the world is an adjective phrase (I think) modifying "human being." You need to add a verb. A suggestion would be, "Every human-being born into this world is indebted to a woman."

The incredible woman called [a] mother
or "The incredible woman called "Mother." "
The incredible woman who risked her life while she pregnant infor nine months.
Pregnant can be interpreted. Less is more.
The incredible woman who tirelessly raised her child tirelessly .
Never separate adverb and verb unless you're trying to go for a stylistic statement. I don't think that's what you're going for in this sentence.

No matter what, thosethese incredible women always take care of each and everyone of us.
Everybody should be proud about their mother. So do I.
Just a stylistic point: I don't really think EVERYBODY is necessarily proud of their mothers all the time. It's more diplomatic to just focus on your own feelings, because you may not be able to "command" others to feel the same way. Perhaps "These women are awe-inspiring. Hence, I'm proud to be a son/daughter to one. I'm proud of my mother, a woman who has [quickly summarized the hardships she overcame] to [what did she support you with? How did she change your life]." would sound better? This also depends on personal preference and writers' styles.

so that I want to talk about her in this essay.
Never put "writing about xyz in this essay" in an essay. It just doesn't flow. I don't really know how to explain this, as a native speaker :( Just... don't...
kthanhpn   
Mar 28, 2012
Research Papers / I need help stating a theory for my topic (quantitative research methods) [3]

Can you give a short summary of the paper? Lit review revolves around an article/book, right? We need to know what's in the book to ask the appropriate question.

I totally feel you though. I just finished my Psy Ant critical review yesterday. It's hell on Earth...
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