Scholarship / HEOP ESSAY SCHOLARSHIP [6]

you can make it flow better by reading your essay out loud to yourself...it removes any awkwardness and make your transition smooth too

=) good luck!

Undergraduate / 'hard work is rewarded' - common app short answer, cross country. [5]

Opps, i cut out the first sentence...sorry about that!

My most meaningful commitment over the past four years would be cross country. It has definitely become the activity to which I have given the most amount of dedication because of the passion that I have developed. I plan on continuing running after high school, because it has become a large part of my life. My teammates and I share a bond that is exceptionally unique. Only my teammates understand the dedication it takes to consistently work hard out on the trails day after day in season, in order to reach our goals. As teammates, we push each other along during workouts and have respect for each other based upon work ethic. I truly appreciate that in cross country perseverance and consistency are rewarded over time. My experiences throughout my cross country career have taught me that hard work is rewarded and team is always more important over individual.

thank you!! is there anything else that i should add or edit?

Undergraduate / 'hard work is rewarded' - common app short answer, cross country. [5]

I want to find a way to be less awkward in my opening sentences...I feel like the rest is okayy...but if there is anything else that can still be improved, please don't hesitate to let me know!! Thank you...

Throughout my past four years of high school, I have sincerely dedicated myself to my cross country team. It has definitely become the activity to which I have developed the greatest amount of passion, and devoted the most time. Only my teammates understand the commitment it takes to consistently work hard out on the trails day after day in order to reach our goals. As teammates, we push each other along during each workout and have respect for each other because of our aspiration. I truly appreciate that in cross country, perseverance and consistency are rewarded over time. My experiences throughout my cross country career have taught me that hard work is rewarded and team is always more important than individual.

Undergraduate / Rochester Essay - Supp. (secluded from society) [2]

I think that you start out well..as in the direction that you intend to in would lead into an interesting response, but the response that you gave is made up of short sentences strung together...instead i think to make it flow better...

I hope that you don't think that my comments are too harsh! only trying to help...

(However: i think that you should just start with the sentence as follows -->) Instead of letting this obstacle weigh me down, I used it as motivation to learn about the world by my own means. (Here you should write about what you have learned).

The list of what I will contribute is endless. (I think that you should eliminate this sentence)

I will contribute my unbiased intellect of the world. (What does that mean?)

My fellow classmates will wait in anticipation as I cook for them the finest vegan meal they can possibly find. Classmates will gawk, flabbergasted, as I predict their future with the use of my tarot cards. (Instead of listing, elaborate on one of your ideas!)

Good Luck!