Writing Feedback / "The technology connecting people" - The gre issue 1 [2]

Hmm... well, there's a lot of grammatical errors in there, which I'll get into below. However, the structure is good, and it's excellent that you chose a nuanced position and was able to defend both sides. I think you should have combined paragraphs 2 and 3 into a single 'pro' paragraph, as they appear to provide similar evidence. In any case, the paragraphs should not be connected with the word 'yet', since they are alike in tone and argumentation, and you want to use 'yet' to signify a contract, or something different. I also think you should have added a bit more to your 'con' paragraph - some detail or an extra example would have helped to flesh out your essay.

Overall, your essay is quite short, and would have benefited from more examples. For example, you could talk about how engineers rely on computer simulations to help design heat exchangers and fluid conductors, and to analyze stresses in mechanical designs. You could mention how physicists need to model PDE's with large supercomputers in order to test and improve upon theories, and how such instrumentation is absolutely crucial for large particle collision projects such as the ones at CERN. On the other side, you could describe how technology has increased the availability of passive entertainment sources, such as television, video gaming, social networking, etc. and how such changes impact the patience and attention span necessary for complex thinking. You could also talk about issues such as internet or gaming addiction. However, you definitely need more examples.

Okay, now for the grammar. In your first sentence, you quote the slogan "The technology connecting people". However, this quote doesn't fit grammatically in the sentence. In a case like this, you need to shorten the quote and modify it with brackets, as such: The Nokia company said that "technology connect people". A bit after that, you have the sentence, "Some people think the thinking for themselves are actually controlled by the technology". There are a couple of things wrong with this sentence. First of all is subject-verb agreement. You use the plural verb "are" as an action for the singular noun "thinking". Instead, you should use the singular verb "is". Secondly, you use the word "the" too much. In English, you don't need to place "the" in front of a noun unless you are referring to a specific instance of that noun. In this sentence, instead of saying "the thinking" or "the technology", you can simply say "thinking" and "technology". When properly revised, the sentence should read: "Some people think that thinking for themselves is actually controlled by technology". While this sentence is now grammatically correct, it sounds incredibly awkward, and probably doesn't say what you want it to say. For one thing, technology does not "control" thinking. It may "influence", "diminish", or "impact" one's ability to think for oneself. Futhermore, the word "themselves" is misused here. As this sentence stands, it sounds like certain people are criticizing themselves for relying too much on technology, while the implication should be towards other people, or just people in general. The sentence would sound better if it said, "Some people believe that reliance on technology actually diminishes one's capability for independent thought", or, "Some people believe that critical thought is actually hampered by technology". I don't have time to critique the rest of your grammar, but the best way to pick up on grammar rules is to just read a lot and let the language sink in.