Posts by rsr1919

rsr1919

Jul 1, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'Better future but lost family?' - advantages and disadvantages of studying aboard [4]

To begin with, in my opinion

Either one of these works, but using both makes it wordy. You should probably go with "To begin with" instead of "in my opinion", since "in my opinion" makes your information less credible, as you blatantly tell the reader to regard it as an opinion.

can be students to build up a

can help students build up, instead. Don't think students can be "studying abroad"

the infamiliar traditions

unfamiliar.

pupils ~~probably~~ find

ffs cut the ethos-damaging terminology. Colleges hate "maybe", "probably", "sort of", half-assed words like that which ruin any feeling of confidence in an essay.

Although they may be able to communicate to other people on a holiday, for example,

Move the "for example" to the beginning, or it seems like you're exemplifying people communicating on a holiday, instead of exemplifying how people can't prepare everything in advance, though admittedly this one is mostly speculation.

rsr1919

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / Girls/ Night Walks/ Candy/ Scatter minded; Stanford Roommate [7]

We are nothing more than an accumulation of the people we meet, and the experiences we share. Unlucky for you, all of my friends and family are girls, and my experiences in brotherhood is virtually none. As if to highlight this, I even experience severe stomach pains and mood swings the first few days of every month.

But perhaps there is still hope. I am beginning to befriend males in high school, but always extend my hand for a hand shake, unsure what to do in case of fist bumps or that strange vertical high-five-arms-locking-chest-bump motion; even for standard horizontal high fives, my success rate is roughly 40%, missing many in the hallways awkwardly. There is a very good reason I don't play sports.

Aside from that, I often walk outside at night. I have all day to see daytime activities- when else can I see nocturnal activities take place? Life and the living fascinate me, though the dead often fascinate me more: nature dissects them for me. Consequently I often sleep little, if at all- life seems more interesting at night, but maybe it is just exhaustion making it seem that way. Sugar is probably a contributing factor though.

Sweets. Sugar, chocolate, candy, cakes, cupcakes, pies, cookies. If I had a choice between a decent cookie or 20 dollars, I would immediately pick the cookie- if I say the cookie costs 4 dollars and delivery costs 17 dollars, it's plausible enough for me to say it's profitable.

Lastly, I am known to be scatter minded. On my way to my room to make my bed, I remember to do the dishes, but on the way to the dirty dishes I drink water, which makes me think of "trash water", the water inside the trash bag, reminding me to take the trash out, but somewhere along the way I forget everything and end up vacuuming. This is generally speaking- different story when it comes to studying or martial arts.

On a side note, the content of this essay is largely filtered- I am a huge fan and provider of sex jokes. Glad to meet you.

Few things not mentioned that I considered mentioning but thought of as low priority so negligible :

-Strictly speaking I am bisexual, there are definitely guys I would go for given the opportunity, but it's not like I'll ever go "EHEUEHUEHUEHEUHUEH MENMENMENMENMEN". I considered starting it with "I am bisexual. BUT FEAR NOT ROOMMATE! I am only bi in the sense that..." but I felt that would be insensitive to homosexuals who need roommates.

-Actual roommate stuff itself, I am fairly quiet because at home my family rarely talks to each other because of our work schedules. I listen to music with earbuds, always triple checking to make sure no one else can hear because I'm paranoid they'll judge me. I am used to doing a lot of housework, I have an older sister, younger sister, and a mother, no father living with us, so a lot of the dirty work is put on me, the middle child son.

Any feedback is welcome, thank you anyone for spending time to read this. ^^

rsr1919

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / "Why do we bother keep a dog?"; Stanford / What matters to you & why? [3]

It definitely answers the question of "What matters to you, and why?".

p does not add up

add in "seem" between does and not, because you explain that it does add up in the end.

Adding in the 16 months together as statistical data is good, but to the reader it might not seem like a short time. You could just as easily say a little over a year, to make it seem even shorter.

.

trails my every step the way Lenny ~~followed~~ George

to follows, because it's not like George died or the show stopped, it's still shown on some TV shows.

Again, these are all optional changes. Overall, it's a pretty good essay.

rsr1919

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / Girls/ Night Walks/ Candy/ Scatter minded; Stanford Roommate [7]

Rain, Sugar, Awkwardness. Stanford Roommate Essay

Perhaps I am a turkey. Rain is so fascinating, and turkeys are said to drown in rain due to an inclination to directly stare at rain. Rain is such an evil concept- it's as if God is putting plant condoms in the air, preventing their pollen from reaching their pistils by filling the air with water. Or maybe water is known as "sugar" throughout the universe, and God sprinkles it on us frequently in hopes that we'll be eaten by something.

And no, those are not burglars coming in. I often walk outside at night. I have all day to see daytime activities- when else can I see nocturnal activities take place? Life and the living fascinate me, though the dead often fascinate me more: nature dissects them for me. Consequently I often sleep little, if at all- life seems more interesting at night, but maybe it's just exhaustion making it seem that way. Sugar is probably a contributing factor though.

Sweets. Sugar, chocolate, candy, cakes, cupcakes, pies, cookies. If I had a choice between a decent cookie or 20 dollars, I would immediately pick the cookie- if I say the cookie costs 4 dollars and delivery costs 17 dollars, it's plausible enough for me to say it's profitable.

By the way, I am known to be scatter minded. On the way to clean my room, I remember to do the dishes, but on the way to the dishes I drink water, which reminds me of "trash water", fluid in the trash bag, reminding me to take the trash out, but somewhere along the way I forget everything and end up vacuuming. This is generally speaking- different story when it comes to studying or martial arts.

Lastly, I always extend my hand for a hand shake, unsure what to do in case of fist bumps or that strange vertical high-five-arms-locking-chest-bump motion; even for standard horizontal high fives, my success rate is roughly 40%, missing many in the hallways awkwardly. There is a very good reason I don't play sports, which explains why I have few male friends. But please note, the content of this essay is largely filtered- I am a huge fan and provider of sex jokes. Glad to meet you.

I realize this is 74 characters over limit, but I'll be downsizing.
Thank you to anyone that takes time to read this and comment.

rsr1919

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / Girls/ Night Walks/ Candy/ Scatter minded; Stanford Roommate [7]

Thanks for quick responses. I am going to take out the sex joke portion, but keep the note that the content is filtered- the last paragraph is really weak without it. The sex joke implies that I am able to get along with fellow students, but it should be implied with the note that the content is filtered. I included it because the sentence before it makes me seem like I am awkward with all male interaction.

I would add the name, but it's difficult with the word count. I'll add it in and see what can be done. As for the beginning, I like it that way. It's unique and shows a lot about me such as my forwardness and spontaneity. I almost never say hi to anyone, I either say their name or stare at them awkwardly until they ask what I want. The ending "Glad to meet you" is just as good as an intro with "Dear ____".

Again, thank you for constructive feedback.