khch
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'something revolutionary' - Apply Texas Essay prompt C: Extra personal informati [2]
Hello. I might be able to give some help on your essay :)
First of all I find that the links between your sentences and the links between points you are making in each paragraphs are weak. That is, I cannot find the focal point of your essay because you seem to be making too many points here and there.
For instance, in the intro, the focal point of your first sentence seems to be that you had interest in technology since young. However, moving on to the second sentence, this point is not developed but rather, you start talking about how technology has evolved. And then the third sentence introduces yet another point that the IT gives people access to another world. Overall, the link between the three sentences are missing. Since the points are not congruent, it's hard to figure out what point you are trying to make. In other words, its difficult to find out what you are trying to tell the readers and what you will be telling the readers in the following paragraphs. Perhaps, you might be able to fix this by narrowing down the all the points and focussing on just one of them. For instance, you have to decide whether you are going to focus on 'your interest in technology', 'how technology has developed' or 'the access to abundant information'.
Another point I want to make (although its quite closely related to my first point) is that you have to make your sentences concise. It's too long and gives the feeling that you squeezed in several points in one sentence. Think about the purpose of writing a sentence (why am i writing this sentence and what i'm trying to say) and focus on that only. Break down the sentences that are too long so that the readers don't get confused. Again, it all goes back to narrowing down the points you have to one main point.
It's quite the same when it comes to the link between paragraphs. Think about the main point you made on the previous paragraph and try to develop it and explain more about it. Don't abruptly change or disconnect the link between paragraphs by telling a story that is incongruent with the point previously made.
Overall, I think with some modifications, your essay could be much better :)
Perhaps, deciding the title of your essay before you start writing could help. The title will remind you of what you intended to write about and keep your essay from straying. I hope this helps!! :)
Hello. I might be able to give some help on your essay :)
First of all I find that the links between your sentences and the links between points you are making in each paragraphs are weak. That is, I cannot find the focal point of your essay because you seem to be making too many points here and there.
For instance, in the intro, the focal point of your first sentence seems to be that you had interest in technology since young. However, moving on to the second sentence, this point is not developed but rather, you start talking about how technology has evolved. And then the third sentence introduces yet another point that the IT gives people access to another world. Overall, the link between the three sentences are missing. Since the points are not congruent, it's hard to figure out what point you are trying to make. In other words, its difficult to find out what you are trying to tell the readers and what you will be telling the readers in the following paragraphs. Perhaps, you might be able to fix this by narrowing down the all the points and focussing on just one of them. For instance, you have to decide whether you are going to focus on 'your interest in technology', 'how technology has developed' or 'the access to abundant information'.
Another point I want to make (although its quite closely related to my first point) is that you have to make your sentences concise. It's too long and gives the feeling that you squeezed in several points in one sentence. Think about the purpose of writing a sentence (why am i writing this sentence and what i'm trying to say) and focus on that only. Break down the sentences that are too long so that the readers don't get confused. Again, it all goes back to narrowing down the points you have to one main point.
It's quite the same when it comes to the link between paragraphs. Think about the main point you made on the previous paragraph and try to develop it and explain more about it. Don't abruptly change or disconnect the link between paragraphs by telling a story that is incongruent with the point previously made.
Overall, I think with some modifications, your essay could be much better :)
Perhaps, deciding the title of your essay before you start writing could help. The title will remind you of what you intended to write about and keep your essay from straying. I hope this helps!! :)