Posts by yungmoni

yungmoni

Aug 21, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Years of rowing' - UVA - My Favorite Word and Why? (250 words) [NEW]

Hey EF,

Here is my response for UVA's favorite word supplement essay. I think that it needs a bit of reorganizing, but I don't really know where to begin, so any help with that would be appreciated.

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Years of rowing have conditioned my mind and body to explode at the drop of a word. It's not a very complex one; how could a word that requires so much voluntary brainpower to analyze cause such an instinctive reaction? Maybe the word could have been anything - maybe I could be ready to shatter all inhibitions with an utterance of "pizza." However unintrinsic my relationship is with this key of mine, by the time it is spoken, I am ready. That moment is the culmination of all of my hard work; it is the test of my work ethic, physical ability, and mental fortitude. No matter what has happened, this word tells me that there is nothing more I can do to prepare. I have trained and practiced for hours into the night for this chance, and all that is left to be done is to ignite the flame. This kind of mindset has seeped into other areas of my life as well. Before my teacher calls this word at the start of an exam, I sit with my sharpened pencil clutched in my sweaty hand, ready to flip the page and pounce on the first question. I yell this word over and over watching the Redskins wide receiver snag the ball and traverse the field to score the winning touchdown. Anyone who knows me is well aware that the only word that can bring me from 0 to 60 in a second is "Go."

yungmoni

Oct 8, 2012

Undergraduate / 'A new generation makeing great scientific discoveries' - Carnegie Mellon [4]

"Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay."

I liked it. It sounded like you were talking straight to me!

That said, there are a few things I would take care to look at.

1. Listing courses isn't necessary; rather you can say "Having experienced the full scope of my high school's chemistry curriculum..." or a related version.

2. I'm not sure about the third paragraph. I understand your reasons for putting it, but there are things I would do to make it more believable.

And that I wanted to "save the world?"

That's a bit of a lofty ambition, to put it lightly.

mishaps

Perhaps a better word would fit here. Mishaps is similar to mistakes, and the world doesn't have mistakes so much as it has issues.

I know how to get things done in the world

Is there any evidence for this? Again, this is a pretty big statement.

It's something I have realized as a result of high school and it is something I intend to carry out. College is one of the big steps.

The word "something" is repeated. I think this is better: It's something I have realized as a result of high school and intend to carry out in college and beyond.

The last part was great! Overall nice job, just make sure to keep it realistic and I wish you best of luck!

yungmoni

Oct 8, 2012

Undergraduate / 'good mystery' - Describe something you secretly like but pretend not to [3]

Well first of all, do you pretend not to like mysteries? If not, you shouldn't really consider it as a topic, because above a good idea is the prompt itself, and if the prompt isn't answered, the essay won't be successful.

Let's say you do pretend not to like mysteries. That's peculiar to me as mysteries aren't some weird taboo in our society. I'd explain why you pretend not to like mysteries, and what reasons you have for liking mysteries. Here you could list an example like the ones you did above, and show the admissions committee what really draws you to them. Then you could end on a note about how mysteries are significant to you and maybe include a note about something at UVA related to this!

Good luck with your college apps,

yungmoni

yungmoni

Oct 9, 2012

Undergraduate / How do I make this essay special? MIT Attribute Essay [4]

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)

In any situation, a person's attitude can make a world of difference. I take pride in my ability to make anything as stress-free and relaxing as possible. Attending a "pressure cooker" high school has only exacerbated the stressful environment in which my peers and I are expected to learn to the point where we live in a constant fear of the next 5-point homework assignment or any grade lower than a 95.

My ability to maintain a low stress level is one attribute that I could not survive without. Because of this, my life so far has been, dare I say it, fun. I love not worrying obsessively after a large exam about what questions I could have answered correctly; I can push all thoughts out of my head and keep calm and composed. It allows me to focus on the task at hand without worrying about what aspects that are out of my control, which improves my concentration. I physically feel better and more aware when I am relaxed than when I am placed in a high-stress scenario, and unfortunately a large number of students live almost exclusively in this mode. Keeping a low-stress mood has contributed to the positive outlook I have and makes my everyday life happy, something not enough people in this world can say.

Any advice is appreciated. I not only want to make this essay good; I want to make it stand out. How, if possible, can this be accomplished?

Thanks in advance!
yungmoni

yungmoni

Oct 9, 2012

Essays / How to write a story about my favorite season (5 sensory details) [2]

First you need to find what season you want to talk about. Which season (summer, winter, spring, fall) makes you feel the happiest? Why is that so? For example, for summer you could describe the way the sun illuminates everything around you and makes everything brighter. Or for winter maybe the taste of the crisp snowflakes as they melt in your mouth is tantalizing. Something like that. Make sure you make the feelings clear, but leave the season out of it until the end. Focus on the 5 senses: sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. I would suggest starting with a web of some kind, so you can just put your ideas to paper. Later you can think of the 5 best ones and include them in your story.

An idea for a story might be some little kids experiencing their first snowfall after moving to New York from L.A. (where there is no snow).

Best of luck! Hopefully this gets you off your writer's block.

yungmoni

yungmoni

Oct 9, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Love of puzzles' - University of Chicago- Favorites Essay [3]

I don't think you have to write the explanatory sentence after each show/book you write about. All they say is to share a few of the works you like, and you don't have to expand on that, especially if there is a character limit. Because they've listed so many categories, I feel that they're trying to get more than 2 or 3 works out of you, so I think the focus should be on putting down some more, preferably in different categories. That's just my opinion.

yungmoni

Oct 14, 2012

Undergraduate / How do I make this essay special? MIT Attribute Essay [4]

OK! That's what my English teacher said too, so I'm going to add in 1 or 2 examples or stories to make it more personal.

The more feedback, the merrier! Keep it coming and a great thank you to those who have responded!