ivorchen
Aug 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'civilization indulges in its past glories' - UChiago's essay choice No1 [2]
March 11th, 2011. This day, I shall never forget.
Clicking open emails after emails of admission decisions sent by the prep schools I had applied to, I felt the earth under my feet was moving away, creating an abyss that I suddenly fell into. Andover, dismissed; Hotchkiss, dismissed; Milton, waiting list; Taft, waiting list. At a split of a second, I could almost feel tears, twisting in my eyes, about to drop down. Memories were still very fresh about the dreams I had; I pictured a day when I attended one of the prep schools I applied to, experienced a totally different culture and met whole bunch of new friends. But that day would never come. Technically, the failure of not getting into a prep school wouldn't hurt me since I had no troubles at my current high school. The great despair actually came from the sudden crush of dreams and hopes. I have long been accustomed to accidents that force me to change my plan; yet, I wasn't well prepared for a crush of dreams that had been supporting me for so long.
I had anticipated so much, but lost them all. March 11th, 2011: the day when a devastating earthquake hit eastern Japan is also the day when an equally devastating quake hit my world.
I searched fruitlessly for help from outside; friends and family were helpful but words of consolation seemed to be powerless in remedying a deep inside ailing. So I shifted path and turned inwards: I wanted to find salvage inside.
In these days, I constantly heard two voices in my head: one defending what I had done and blaming the outside for my failure, another trying to question my action and thoughts and subverting some long-held beliefs. At first, I balked at the latter voice, believing it was too harsh on me. But immediately I found out that blaming the outside wasn't that comfortable: it created a sense of general hatred and resentment that pushed me deeper into a vicious cycle. The world will never change into hell and hope is always present; it was my coward that allowed darkness to take hold in my world. Only by rigorous self-questioning and self-denying was I able to re-catch the silver ring of dark clouds.
But a battle with one's self is by no means an easy victory. It demands great courage and introspective power because the battle can be self-destructive. I asked myself: where was the problem; did I over-estimate myself and under-estimate the challenge; did I make a hectic decision without careful thinking to apply to a prep school; did the idea itself make no sense at all; if I had no good reasons to go or just simply wanted to escape the burden of my current life, why should I apply anyhow; was I being weak and escapist.
As I delved deeper and deeper into my heart with questions growingly harsh, I felt tremendous reluctance and resistance. Especially when I was trying to find an answer to the last question, I almost collapsed:
'An escapist? Weak? How can you say that to yourself? You know you are not; you decided to go because of your dream.'
For my dream? I had tons of ways pursuing my dream; pretending I was doing this for my dream was ridiculous and clearly escapist. Because I was attacking the weakest points that I tried so hard to protect previously, it was painful. I was facing myself; I was taking down no one but myself. If I wanted salvage and revitalized myself, this was what I had to endure.
The cycle of breaking down an old self and rebuilding a new self upon its ruins is all too normal for me. I have constantly undergone this experience. So my lifelong enemy doesn't come from without but from within. Buddhists say that everyone harbors a demon in his heart and nirvana comes only after the demon is knocked down. Since I'm a human, demons renew themselves quickly: sometimes they disguise in laziness or a lack of will power; sometimes in arrogance; sometimes in self-abasement. So I must constantly restart the battle with myself in order to knock out the 'demons' and usher in a refreshed new self.
The great historian L. S. Stavrianos wrote, 'a civilization indulges in its past glories; the glory will be a burden if the civilization wants to keep the lead in a new era.' It's the same with individual. Taking myself as a foe, I create a constant check for what I have done and what I used to believe in. Knowing the imperfectness of myself makes me humble and prepares me for a challenge against myself.
My arch-nemesis is always myself. After more than a year, that introspective period recoils into my memory, but the struggle with myself is recurring itself from time to time. It's actually good, though. Only by frankly admitting the wrongs I have done and seriously challenging myself, I'm empowered to grow, to progress, and to mature.
this is my response; can anyone read it and give some recommendations? be as harsh as you can
March 11th, 2011. This day, I shall never forget.
Clicking open emails after emails of admission decisions sent by the prep schools I had applied to, I felt the earth under my feet was moving away, creating an abyss that I suddenly fell into. Andover, dismissed; Hotchkiss, dismissed; Milton, waiting list; Taft, waiting list. At a split of a second, I could almost feel tears, twisting in my eyes, about to drop down. Memories were still very fresh about the dreams I had; I pictured a day when I attended one of the prep schools I applied to, experienced a totally different culture and met whole bunch of new friends. But that day would never come. Technically, the failure of not getting into a prep school wouldn't hurt me since I had no troubles at my current high school. The great despair actually came from the sudden crush of dreams and hopes. I have long been accustomed to accidents that force me to change my plan; yet, I wasn't well prepared for a crush of dreams that had been supporting me for so long.
I had anticipated so much, but lost them all. March 11th, 2011: the day when a devastating earthquake hit eastern Japan is also the day when an equally devastating quake hit my world.
I searched fruitlessly for help from outside; friends and family were helpful but words of consolation seemed to be powerless in remedying a deep inside ailing. So I shifted path and turned inwards: I wanted to find salvage inside.
In these days, I constantly heard two voices in my head: one defending what I had done and blaming the outside for my failure, another trying to question my action and thoughts and subverting some long-held beliefs. At first, I balked at the latter voice, believing it was too harsh on me. But immediately I found out that blaming the outside wasn't that comfortable: it created a sense of general hatred and resentment that pushed me deeper into a vicious cycle. The world will never change into hell and hope is always present; it was my coward that allowed darkness to take hold in my world. Only by rigorous self-questioning and self-denying was I able to re-catch the silver ring of dark clouds.
But a battle with one's self is by no means an easy victory. It demands great courage and introspective power because the battle can be self-destructive. I asked myself: where was the problem; did I over-estimate myself and under-estimate the challenge; did I make a hectic decision without careful thinking to apply to a prep school; did the idea itself make no sense at all; if I had no good reasons to go or just simply wanted to escape the burden of my current life, why should I apply anyhow; was I being weak and escapist.
As I delved deeper and deeper into my heart with questions growingly harsh, I felt tremendous reluctance and resistance. Especially when I was trying to find an answer to the last question, I almost collapsed:
'An escapist? Weak? How can you say that to yourself? You know you are not; you decided to go because of your dream.'
For my dream? I had tons of ways pursuing my dream; pretending I was doing this for my dream was ridiculous and clearly escapist. Because I was attacking the weakest points that I tried so hard to protect previously, it was painful. I was facing myself; I was taking down no one but myself. If I wanted salvage and revitalized myself, this was what I had to endure.
The cycle of breaking down an old self and rebuilding a new self upon its ruins is all too normal for me. I have constantly undergone this experience. So my lifelong enemy doesn't come from without but from within. Buddhists say that everyone harbors a demon in his heart and nirvana comes only after the demon is knocked down. Since I'm a human, demons renew themselves quickly: sometimes they disguise in laziness or a lack of will power; sometimes in arrogance; sometimes in self-abasement. So I must constantly restart the battle with myself in order to knock out the 'demons' and usher in a refreshed new self.
The great historian L. S. Stavrianos wrote, 'a civilization indulges in its past glories; the glory will be a burden if the civilization wants to keep the lead in a new era.' It's the same with individual. Taking myself as a foe, I create a constant check for what I have done and what I used to believe in. Knowing the imperfectness of myself makes me humble and prepares me for a challenge against myself.
My arch-nemesis is always myself. After more than a year, that introspective period recoils into my memory, but the struggle with myself is recurring itself from time to time. It's actually good, though. Only by frankly admitting the wrongs I have done and seriously challenging myself, I'm empowered to grow, to progress, and to mature.
this is my response; can anyone read it and give some recommendations? be as harsh as you can