March 11th, 2011. This day, I shall never forget.
Clicking open emails after emails of admission decisions sent by the prep schools I had applied to, I felt the earth under my feet was moving away, creating an abyss that I suddenly fell into. Andover, dismissed; Hotchkiss, dismissed; Milton, waiting list; Taft, waiting list. At a split of a second, I could almost feel tears, twisting in my eyes, about to drop down. Memories were still very fresh about the dreams I had; I pictured a day when I attended one of the prep schools I applied to, experienced a totally different culture and met whole bunch of new friends. But that day would never come. Technically, the failure of not getting into a prep school wouldn't hurt me since I had no troubles at my current high school. The great despair actually came from the sudden crush of dreams and hopes. I have long been accustomed to accidents that force me to change my plan; yet, I wasn't well prepared for a crush of dreams that had been supporting me for so long.
I had anticipated so much, but lost them all. March 11th, 2011: the day when a devastating earthquake hit eastern Japan is also the day when an equally devastating quake hit my world.
I searched fruitlessly for help from outside; friends and family were helpful but words of consolation seemed to be powerless in remedying a deep inside ailing. So I shifted path and turned inwards: I wanted to find salvage inside.
In these days, I constantly heard two voices in my head: one defending what I had done and blaming the outside for my failure, another trying to question my action and thoughts and subverting some long-held beliefs. At first, I balked at the latter voice, believing it was too harsh on me. But immediately I found out that blaming the outside wasn't that comfortable: it created a sense of general hatred and resentment that pushed me deeper into a vicious cycle. The world will never change into hell and hope is always present; it was my coward that allowed darkness to take hold in my world. Only by rigorous self-questioning and self-denying was I able to re-catch the silver ring of dark clouds.
But a battle with one's self is by no means an easy victory. It demands great courage and introspective power because the battle can be self-destructive. I asked myself: where was the problem; did I over-estimate myself and under-estimate the challenge; did I make a hectic decision without careful thinking to apply to a prep school; did the idea itself make no sense at all; if I had no good reasons to go or just simply wanted to escape the burden of my current life, why should I apply anyhow; was I being weak and escapist.
As I delved deeper and deeper into my heart with questions growingly harsh, I felt tremendous reluctance and resistance. Especially when I was trying to find an answer to the last question, I almost collapsed:
'An escapist? Weak? How can you say that to yourself? You know you are not; you decided to go because of your dream.'
For my dream? I had tons of ways pursuing my dream; pretending I was doing this for my dream was ridiculous and clearly escapist. Because I was attacking the weakest points that I tried so hard to protect previously, it was painful. I was facing myself; I was taking down no one but myself. If I wanted salvage and revitalized myself, this was what I had to endure.
The cycle of breaking down an old self and rebuilding a new self upon its ruins is all too normal for me. I have constantly undergone this experience. So my lifelong enemy doesn't come from without but from within. Buddhists say that everyone harbors a demon in his heart and nirvana comes only after the demon is knocked down. Since I'm a human, demons renew themselves quickly: sometimes they disguise in laziness or a lack of will power; sometimes in arrogance; sometimes in self-abasement. So I must constantly restart the battle with myself in order to knock out the 'demons' and usher in a refreshed new self.
The great historian L. S. Stavrianos wrote, 'a civilization indulges in its past glories; the glory will be a burden if the civilization wants to keep the lead in a new era.' It's the same with individual. Taking myself as a foe, I create a constant check for what I have done and what I used to believe in. Knowing the imperfectness of myself makes me humble and prepares me for a challenge against myself.
My arch-nemesis is always myself. After more than a year, that introspective period recoils into my memory, but the struggle with myself is recurring itself from time to time. It's actually good, though. Only by frankly admitting the wrongs I have done and seriously challenging myself, I'm empowered to grow, to progress, and to mature.
this is my response; can anyone read it and give some recommendations? be as harsh as you can
Hello Chen
After reading just the first few sentences of your essay I can assure you that the U of Chicago will flat out deny your application for admissions if you were to submit this essay. You begin your story about how you clicked through email after email with prep school rejections. You then state that it did not matter because you were doing "ok" at your current school. However your essay is fraught with grammatical error after grammatical error (even in your opening sentence). Your essay has the elements of a great essay, but you will need to submit a flawless essay or else the Admissions Committee at Chicago will just think that you did not improve your grammatical skills at all while in High School. We can help you with this.
