Undergraduate / 'a domino effect' - UF essay rough draft [2]

Hello,

I liked that you emphasized your relationship with your stepfather and how he helped you realize your passion. However, I would probably take out what you ultimately did not want to do from the beginning. After all, it is not impractical for someone to aspire to become a major league athlete or a professional skateboarder; it just wasn't "you" or else you would have felt the same way about it with the way you did fishing. Instead, I would make how your first fishing trip made you realize that fishing was your passion and contrast that with your present self, because it will show how much you've dedicated yourself to it. I like how you said that time was important to you and would have that as a focus since, unfortunately, essays about deaths are all to common in the college application world. I would rather have you write about how the effect of time strengthened your resolve for the future.

Undergraduate / 'simple girl with a goal' - Purdue essay autobio In troduction +title [2]

Hmmm, there were some grammatical mistakes here.

I screw up my eyes from bright lights of projectors and cameras that shined [Don't you mean shine? Since you used 'screw', it makes the sentence in present tense.]on me from all sides. Even thought I was kind of blind, I could see a big auditory Auditorium?full of people. Because of debate club that I attended while I was studying at the university, I was not afraid to be or to talk on a public, but today everything was different. My heart was pounding, my breath stopped, and I petrified,[you stood petrified, you mean?] because millions eyes of people who were waiting of my speech looked at me. Most of them were a new generation of "___" scholars who were studying in the USA. [What does the ___ mean?]Looking at them, I paid attention for a group of people wearing T-shorts with Purdue University logotype, the university which I graduated 50 years ago. Looking at them, I recalled the time when I was studying at Purdue University.Oh my god, time runs so fast, 50 years have passed.[?] It seems like I graduated from Purdue just yesterday. I remember knowing what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be in the future. Simple girl from a small village, which is not even on country'a map, had a goal to become a great person, the first-class specialist who will make a mark in Kazakhstan's computer development history. Even when I was a child, I knew that only strong knowledge acquired from a good university could help me to achieve my goals. Unfortunately, my parents could not afford my education. That's why I applied for "name" Scholarship which provided whole financial support for me and soon I applied to Purdue University which was one of the best schools in the USA.

Alas, I could go on, but I urge you to look over your writing one more time and re-post the edited version.

Undergraduate / My Spelman Essay for the Peds program, for nontraditional students.. [3]

I think it was rather inspiring; loved the flow of it. Good luck! :)

Undergraduate / 'world-class faculty' - Princeton Engineering Supplement Essay help [2]

I think it's good, since it gives out your points in a clear and formal manner. It shows off your talents and experience as well. Good luck! :)

Undergraduate / 'the daily time table' - 100 words: We know you lead a busy life, full of activities [4]

Capitalize the "I"s and I think it's good to go.

Writing Feedback / "Arrival to the United States" - Culture Shock Essay [2]

I remember when I first arrived to the United States, my family and I was were, not was because of past tense sitting all together and staring at almost everything what they've"we've" since you're including yourself into this as well. got in the airport. For examples,"example" not example many people were walking with their suitcases and different people were speaking different languages and some people were eating giant foods. I've named them giant foods because at that time, I didn't know what those foods were called. Hmm... well including their names now would probably give some imagery into the essay Everything iswas, not is. Or, you can say, "I thought, 'Everything is fabulous for me.'. great and fabulous for me. I love U.S.A. and I'm I, not I'm was very excited knowing that I'm in the United States now. When I was in Thailand, I've only saw the airplanes sometimes and I would always waved the airplane whenever they were flying in the sky. I can't "could'nt have even" instead of "can't" even imagined that I flied to the America with "in", not with the huge airplane. I felt as it's replace "as it's" with "like it was". just fantasy but reality keep take out "keep" woke me up. At that moment, everything seems just perfect and I felt like that I'm the luckiest person in this whole wide world! Maybe make the second to last sentence the last sentence. I.E, make "...but reality woke me up" last.

I'll come back and do the rest later, but for now here are some recurring mistakes: past/present tense and possession. :)