Undergraduate / 'moved to Fukuoka, Japan' - personal statement [2]

This is very good. It really showcases your individuality. However, in the first sentence of the second paragraph you say "where my father worked, at the age of five." While it is understood that obviously your father did not work there when he was five, it is a bit confusing. I would rewrite that sentence if I were you or at least reorder it it make it clear you were five.

Additionally, you use the word 'yet' a lot. Try to use some different words.
Otherwise, it sounds great!

Undergraduate / 'Co-existed with Jewish people' - RUTGERS DIVERSITY APPLICATION ESSAY [3]

Jews. I have coexisted alongside them for my whole life, This should be a hyphen elementary school, middle school, and high school. Why would my parents insist on keeping me learning that sort of education?rewrite this sentenceThe simple reason: I am Jewish, myself!This needs to be a full sentence such as "It is the simple reason as follows: I am Jewish. However, what happens when I am placed in an environment when out of a group of 100 teenagers, there are aroundchange to "only" five or six Jews? How did I adapt? How was I able to benefit and grow from being in such a diverse atmosphere?

I attended the Bergen County Youth Leadership Police Academy for two weeks this summer and I couldn't have had more of a chance"a better change" to learn how to interact with people from different cultures. When I arrived on the first day, all I noticed was how everyone was so usedaccustomed to seeing each other and how well they all got along. I first felt out of place, not knowing whether I'd make friends or not andor whether I'd fit in.

After the first few days at the Academy, I already had a strong group of about five peers in which none werenone of whom were Jewish. I love"loved" stay in the past tense every single one of them. There are so many interesting characteristics and ideas that can be learned from people who have been brought up either from different religious backgrounds, or justno comma "or in" a general varied culture "different" than what I've been accustomed to my entire life. Besides for the Academy this summer, I have recently begun to become more involved in my heritage. My mother was born in Morocco and her family has much different types of customs and traditions than any other type of Jew. I learned as I have grown more mature, to appreciate the culture along with the special cooking habits, prayer styles, and even traditional ways to greet one another. This newfound understanding of the Moroccan culture can help me open the eyes of many students at Rutgers who have a wish to expand their knowledge learning about other cultures.

French is a huge part of the Moroccan culture because it is one of the main languages of the natives. Because of this, I have made it my personal responsibility to learn as much French as I can throughout high school, which is why this year I am finishing up my fourth year. I have also been studying intently the Hebrew language to coincide with my Jewish background. Learning languages that are important to me and my culture help me appreciate how unique I truly am and how much I can learn from my peers who have slightly varied 'personal responsibilities' in order to gain their own appreciation of their heritage.

Rutgers is a university stock filled with a very eclectic group of students from all over New Jersey and other states. However, it is not just through the college that one can find many different ethnicities and cultures amongst individuals. Rutgers is the microcosm of society as a whole. There are a numerous amount people with different customs and beliefs andMake this a separate sentence -> in order to keep the peace in our world, everyone must learn to accept and get along with the communities surrounding.

Rutgers also has such a wide variety of clubs and sports that I would be so excited to participate in. Mock trial is my passion so anything law-oriented already caught my eye on the list of clubs. I also love playing softball and basketball so I'm happy to see how successful the Rutgers teams are. There are so many different opportunities to become apart of that coincide perfectly with my interests and hobbies, that I am pleasantly overwhelmed with the extra curricular activities at Rutgers.

I believe strongly that I could benefit and contribute to the thriving and eclectic community of students at Rutgers with my passion for languages, ethnic cuisines, and other cultures. I enjoy learning about others and how they go about in their day-to-day lives embracing their background and experiences. Rutgers provides such large center of opportunity to explore, in which I am positive I'd have much to gain as well as much to give.

Okay I'm going to be honest with you. This is a mess. You really need to let me know in the beginning where you are going with your essay. There is no structure and much needs to be revised. Try to pick a topic and stay focuses as opposed to running all over the place.