Undergraduate / Impartial - one word to best describe my community - UC personal statement Promp [4]

It's great structure, but how about starting out with an example or a quote. You want the beginning to be very interesting so that the reader doesn't get bored there. It's not boring at all, but if I were you, I would start out in a different way. And then just add the rest. Please take a look at my essay and help!