Undergraduate / 'Ballet Florida, my second home' - FSU essay [2]

Getting a $12,000 annual scholarship is an achievement and learning from your rehearsals and performing in general is great, but it's too general. A few times, you've listed things that are hard to visualize or understand because they're just lists. And listless.

It was an institution of growth, of learning, of proving to yourself and others that you were destined to be an educated, learned, and talented performer.

I have learned so much in the past four years, about myself, and about myself as a performer .In my case, it was acting, singing, dancing, and performing in general . This is why the characteristic of learning appeals so much to me. Learning is such an important part of my lifestyle because when applied to factors like rehearsals, and acting, it is learning of your mistakes, it is the learning of how you can better yourself as a performer that is what moves you forward and, with singing and dancing, technique is what the individual is taught from day one. So, as I transition into my college years I take with me the intent of learning everything I can to further my knowledge of school, of my hobbies, of leadership, service, global awareness, all of which Florida State University has to offer and more .

An introduction with more personality and story that's followed by a story of something you learned from one of your singing, dancing, acting, cheerleading, or performing experiences would be better.

Brag sheets make me feel sad, and I feel kind of sad now.

Undergraduate / 'Life without music would be a mistake' - NYU Supplement #2 What intrigues you? [4]

Your description of music is incredibly deep; a little too deep.

The abstract descriptions of musical components ("Noticing new components of a song that aren't typically heard during the first few plays", "Music is a messenger of emotions", " I escape the pressures of reality and become lost in music") It's a good essay, but difficult to relate to because not everyone might relate to your description of music the same way you do. Getting rid of some of the abstract descriptions of music and showing how its as you think of it will help.

Expanding more of about the tearful camaraderie you felt listening to Chopin's Tristesse and making that the central story you use as an example of music's ability to move you would be easier to relate to. Also, describing the pressures of reality (are you a deep sea diver resurfacing trying not to get the bends?) and how music lets you escape from them would have more impact as well.

Also, as a small detail, you might want to add how you can think up or recall a nice tune in your head without headphones and an iPod. Because in the last sentence, it seems like you're just another teenager who is constantly plugged into his iPod who walks blatantly uninterested in the world around them.

"When the music ends, my mind feels cleansed and ready to get back into the loop of things. I run to music, study to music, release anger to music, yell in joy to music, and live to music."