Posts by krys10x

krys10x

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App Topic 2 : Discuss an Issue Importance to You- "The Climb" [3]

After procrastinating writing this essay for a solid two months, a stroke of genius finally hit me.

The full prompt is: "Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you."

I chose to talk about gays no longer being allowed to host foreign exchange students, as I'm dating one.
The things I'm concerned about are any words that are highlighted (word choice-wise) and I'm a little unsure if I've used the correct form of "lay" in the first paragraph.

Most importantly though, am I on-topic yet personal? I'm also a bit worried I might get too "bogged down" with background before actually discussing my issue. However, I'm aiming to share my story a bit and allow the admissions folks to see me.

I'm applying to University of Michigan, UChicago, Brown, UPenn, and others along that same caliber.
Any and all feedback is MUCH appreciated!
Thank you in advance.

The Climb

It was the most peculiar staircase I had ever climbed. I don't suppose the stairs themselves were that odd, but the feeling they evoked was misshapen and steeper than the ancient floorboards. I'd scaled them a thousand times; they were the stairs up to my boyfriend's house. Normally he would've been waiting on the landing to kiss me inside, but today I only saw his empty room, the furniture rearranged a bit since he last lay there two months ago.

Two months ago, I whimpered my goodbyes through stained-glass eyes in front of the North Terminal at Detroit Metro Airport. After spending eleven months in our metropolis of Empire, Michigan, Jakob was heading home to Dresden, Germany. Defying the pangs in my chest to keep clinging to him, I let go from one last hug, turned from the sidewalk, and got back into the car. The relentless tears trickled down all the way back to the Metropolis.

On this particular day, I was visiting Cal, Jakob"s hostfather, to give him some things to mail to Germany. In order to fully understand the context here, a little background about Cal is necessary. First thing's first: Cal is gay. Shortly after Jakob arrived, Cal's husband left him. When Jakob went home, Cal lost the only person he still shared his home with.

"My house is...just that now. It's not a home here anymore," Cal admitted once I got upstairs.

His depression had really kicked in. I recalled Cal expressing interest in getting another exchange student on our ride home from the airport. So why didn't he get another student to live with him? He answered this unasked question next.

"They're no longer placing students with homosexual families."

It wasn't just our local organization-this new rule had been laid out on the national level. My mouth hung ajar for a moment as I assessed what it meant for Cal, and what it meant for other same-sex couples. Cal said it was because "some issues came up." What sorts of "issues" would be limited to homosexual partners that heterosexual partners wouldn't encounter? Divorce? Cal went through it.

What troubles me most is that this rule is step back for the United States. Historically, America always strove to more forward--past racial prejudices, past gender bigotry, and now past sexual orientation taboos. Although it is not a condemnation of gay rights, per se, the new policy is a clear statement that people in power are trying to suppress them. I am the future of this country. The future is created not by what I do tomorrow, but by what we do today. Under this conviction, no longer allowing gays to host is a small, yet devastating shot in my leg.

Although it felt uneasy to climb the stairs into Cal's house that day knowing he wasn't there, I knew I couldn't just strand myself halfway up. In this same light, even though it may make Americans uncomfortable to acquiesce (or accept?) gays, we must move forward and climb the stairs toward acceptance and tolerance of all.

krys10x

Sep 23, 2012

Essays / English ( Exemplification Essay ) - no clue where to start [2]

To exemplify means to describe a prime example in deep color. In what instance would you absolutely lie? To protect yourself, to protect others, to gain something?

The first thing I would to do is examine what your motives are. (yourself/others/monetary gain/etc)
After that, think about what makes you uncomfortable. This should yield ideas to situations in which you might lie. The key here is also in the prompt, hypothetical.

You can write about literally anything. This essay does not rely on personal experience, which is usually a challenge for most, myself included. It can range anywhere from a life-or-death standoff to mundane homework assignment.

Be sure to really describe the situation fully. What about it really shows why you would lie? I suppose don't actually get hung up on describing it, but rather focus on how it illustrates your point.

Good luck!

krys10x

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / University of Florida- My undergraduate essay on CAPD (feedback) [3]

Well spoken, if I do say so. You recognize your problem and explore how it has affected you and how you've overcome it.
But what exactly does the disorder do to what you hear? How do you interpret sounds differently? Going a little more indepth in that respect couldnt hurt you.

Also, consider changing
" I have been able to compensate by utilizing learning techniques such as: visual and, especially, physical activity. "
to something like
"I have been able to compensate by utilizing visual and physical learning techniques." or "By utilizing learning strategies like visual aids and especially physical techniques, I have been able to overcome CAPD."

Play around with the syntax to emphasize what you want to be emphasized. You original sentence was a bit awkward and confusing. (Activity is a bit general and gets confused with visual) Make it clear and concise. Keeping that in mind for the rest of your essay, it should smooth out nicely.

Best of luck!

krys10x

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App Topic 2 : Discuss an Issue Importance to You- "The Climb" [3]

Thanks, and I guess at that point in the story, he no longer lives there.

krys10x

Sep 23, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App: "Indicate a person..." The Finest Legacy. [3]

"Shed" into tears is probably not the best verb to use here. You either shed tears or burst/crumble/etc into tears.
I would also highly recommend avoiding describing perfume in "thick curds". Perfume is sprayed and usually light, whereas a "curd" is a small, heavy chunk. I guess it just reminds me too much of cheese and makes for an uncomfortable comparison to a pleasant aroma of perfume.

Also, fix the "Nothing; compared to the priceless spirit lit by Sensei." The semicolor is out of place or a typo.

Youve done a very good job of addressing the prompt- something a lot of people struggle with. Perhaps you can elaborate on your parents divorce, this will allow admissions officers to see a bit more of your personal life.

krys10x

Sep 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Art is my rand hand' - experience Essay 250-500 Word [2]

The careful movements of my paintbrush fill the canvas with primary colors. Gradually, the contrasting colors blend together to reveal a painting. While the different shades seem out of place, they complement each other, which builds the basis of the painting's true identity.

My true identity has become a variety of the different shades of my life. I am an American citizen, but my surname explains my Chinese ethnicity. I am from Guangdong, China, a city known for its strong economy. (is the strong economy really relavant to your story? ) However, my memories are less vivid. I remember the delicious chestnuts that would require a special technique to open properly. I remember the odd scents from my grandfather's herbal medicines for treating nearly all sickness. My childhood was surrounded by the culture of endless rice and peculiar Chinese fables. As I try to gather my childhood memories, I remember the times when stress and goals were nonexistent, although childish actions were definitely present. I would play with a Rubiks Cube for hours or spend my whole weekend drawing figures.

However, my first name, Vincent, hides my true home: America. When I moved to America a very young age, I had to change identity as well as my lifestyle. Cantonese became a thing of the past as I struggled to become proficient in English. I became accustomed to pizza, cereal, and hot dogs. Everything was new; new encounters and new friends replaced the old ones. Opportunities opened for me to pursue activities and studies to a deeper level. I began to take private art lessons, and it soon became more than just a goofy pastime. My interest in science and math also expanded, and school became not a place of torture, but of learning. this sentence feels awkward and out of place here, perhaps you can move it closer to the beginning of the paragraph. here, the focus is still on your art.

America and China was crossing the threshold, between new and old, the line between youth and maturity. In my mind, I saw this as a new color to my life rather than a line. I am able to balance between my Chinese heritage and American lifestyles. This unique identity has allowed me to be so original. Influences I receive from my peers and my parent's guidance enable me to combine to a mixed culture that I find interesting. My knowledge of two completely different cultures and languages allow me to interact with more of the world, enabling my horizons to view further. Although I have met many people with similar backgrounds, I find that their experiences and adaptations are different from mine.

My experiences with two cultures that are on the completely opposite spectrum assist me in having an open mind. My horizons are not limited as I am more willing to accept other beliefs and philosophy. This has also given me a creativity that I tend to express in the form of my works. As the captain of the Track/Cross Country teams and student volunteer, my responsibilities and large workloads tend to stress me out occasionally. However, I still find spare time to draw. When I draw, my thoughts are organized and I feel much relieves. No matter how worried I am about the meet tomorrow or the SAT's in the morning, I must take this moment to calm down. Art connects me to my childhood and my image of life.

Art is literally as much a permanent part of me as my right hand. It serves as not only as a source of enjoyment, but also as a familiar appendage in my uncertain life. My art and my heritage will always stay with me as a fundamental quality of my existence.

Overall, good message, but you need to work on your organization. Also, when you are describing how something makes you feel, such as the last paragraph, it often helps to show your reader how something effects you instead of saying it explicitly. Being explicit works well here, in the case of your "right hand" comparison, but in other parts of the essay, it gets a bit dry with directness.