Posts by oksanavy7

oksanavy7

Sep 23, 2012

Essays / 'Lady Liberty'; Founding fathers of America - Patriot Pen essay contest [8]

As I read through your essay, I thought it was very good but just saying that the horizon doesn't rise, the sun does.

oksanavy7

Sep 24, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'Dieting - a billion dollar market' - ielts [5]

You are really just bulleting facts. You need to add connecting sentences in between each of the sentences. Your end is abrupt and choppy. Also, the essay needs to flow. For each topic you talk about you need to expand more on it. For example, paragraph no.2, you can talk about an example of one diet and how much people spend on it.

oksanavy7

Sep 24, 2012

Undergraduate / My Biographical Essay; 'my mom in a hysterical state of mind' [4]

what are the "fca's" or rules to this essay?
I could probably judge better with what you need to do.

oksanavy7

Sep 25, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay,"It is not possible to eliminate poverty" [3]

Very good essay but you stated the answer to the question at the end of the essay. The essay is supposed to be about your opinion, not why there is poverty in the world.

The topic sentence- it is good but not strong. Use better words, not "very big problem".

oksanavy7

Sep 22, 2013

Writing Feedback / We stand together looking at the flag; What does patriotism mean to me? [4]

What Patriotism Mean To Me?
We stand together looking at the flag and an uncontainable pride fills us, the type of pride that will always be with us. The type of pride that can only mean one thing; true patriotism.

"Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God. I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!" These famous words said by Patrick Henry during a meeting with the Virginia House of Burgess while discussing what actions to take during the war. Patrick Henry must have had that overwhelming feeling of pride while saying these words.

True patriotism will do everything for the sake of the country even if it meant sacrifice. All those brave soldiers out in the battle fields did not risk their lives for nothing; they fought because of their patriotism. It drives us like the Olympic athlete running for the gold; only thing that's on our mind is the goal. Patriotism makes us want to live for America, not just in America.

I can just imagine what pride over flowed from the hearts of all those women when they heard that the 19th Amendment was passed. Some of these women had been fighting most of their lives for this moment. Some of them had to face discrimination and mockery to achieve their goal.

Our nation would not have survived all the trials if it had not been for the patriotism of the people. From the Battle of Saratoga to the Battle of Gettysburg during the Civil War to the terrorist attack on Sept. 11, 2001, Americans have been faithful and patriotic. When we look up to Old Glory, we get that feeling that compels us to sing and shout for the flag that symbolizes our freedom and liberty.

You ask the question, what does patriotism mean to me? It means celebrating the 4th of July. It means helping the poor in our country. It means fighting for our country even if it requires sacrifice. It means the love and devotion to one's country.

-Oksana V.

oksanavy7

Sep 22, 2013

Writing Feedback / The two friends I can count on - help with grammar! [5]

I've had a lot of friends but these two friends are the only ones I can count on and will always be there for me. The first of these is a boy who I have known from 7th grade. He is a transfer student who moved into our island. It was the first day of school and he came up to me and asked "wanna be my friend?" I thought it was funny for someone at that age to ask such a question but it was nice that it was straightforward. After hanging out with him, I found that we have similar interests and opinions. I knew that we would become close friends. Once he came over and we played video games. We had to do this secretly just in case my parents found out. He would always had my back covered. My second friend is a girl that I've known for 2 years. She is very different than my first friend. She the type that is serious and doesn't talk too much but when I teased her, she would smile and laugh. If something is disturbing me, I can trust her with my thoughts. She can sit and listen and understand what's wrong. It isn't very hard to just sit and talk with these two because they are people that I truly can admire and trust.

You should add a few more detail about the girl. You said that the boy was in 7th grade when you met him and was a transfer student. The girl has no such details about her. Also you should explain how he had your back covered.

oksanavy7

Oct 22, 2013

Writing Feedback / We stand together looking at the flag; What does patriotism mean to me? [4]

Also, you spoke about soldiers and their patriotic feelings. So, you could have shown that the same feeling extends to all countrymen in whatever respective field they represent.

the audience will be veterans, i think it probably should stay on the topic of war veterans but thanks for the feedback