Undergraduate / Commonapp Writing about leadership - 'Amidst the applause' [5]

I think that the essay's content is obscure; it takes a while for me to understand what you're trying to say. There are some phrases I find to be redundant/ awkward/ unnecessarily florid.

Eg: "all the wrinkles must have worked their way back and forth to present the expression too vigorously bright that even the sun could be shut"

While I see you wish to present yourself in an indirect manner, some metaphors need to be clarified (or they may hamper the flow of your essay).

Eg: the question mark, the dot, the colon
Do you want to compare other members, who expect you- as a leader- to answer their questions, with 'the question mark'? Then what do you mean by 'the question mark ceasing to be waggish'?

Do you want to say that sometimes, as a leader, you have to be a dot (give definite answers)? What is your real personal conflict? You loathe having to always give an answer? You prefer to be a member and speak out and express yourself freely? From your third paragraph, I can't see how big a difference between the way a leader voices out her opinion and the way a member does. And "Most destructively" is a bit extreme.

Same problem with the colon! What does it have to do with the dot? I don't find it convincing when you relate your experience (at the event you organized) with the newly-defined dot. Also, you wrote "I was in charge of from head to toe"- I think you should leave this out (as a leader should delegate the work equally to her members).

Undergraduate / Commonapp Writing about leadership - 'Amidst the applause' [5]

I think you need to work on the metaphors first. How do they actually relate to your story? In the previous post, I merely made a guess about their meanings. Honestly, I don't think the metaphors (the dot, the colon, the question mark) work. You can focus on the story about leadership and identity.

Your essay should be fine without any metaphor. Inappropriate metaphors can do no good.

In the last paragraph, I don't really see the conflict resolved. It's hard to explain in words; I just feel like I expect more- a transformation, not just a realization. Ah, and there is a new metaphor, a chamber! Please don't overuse metaphors!

If you feel comfortable with this essay, go for it. I must say it's a bit risky though. You have to make sure your indirectness can be understood. The draft above is hard to understand. I suggest you examine closely the relationship between adjacent sentences in a paragraph.

E.g: . How could gladness even exempt those whose efforts finally pay off? How could pride ever pass by those who have been fairly recognized? I was selected among all the compelling candidates, I was whole-heartedly empowered.

=> What is the purpose of the two questions?