hiiamyu13
Oct 29, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT: Playing the piano has always been a pleasure, a strength and a passion for me [6]
Woah, loving that last sentence! Great essay overall :)
Woah, loving that last sentence! Great essay overall :)
hiiamyu13
Oct 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Virginia Discovery Museum' - Common app extracurricular essay [3]
I like how you show your weakness, but that you are willing to overcome them. I can see that you are an open-minded individual! Good job!
I like how you show your weakness, but that you are willing to overcome them. I can see that you are an open-minded individual! Good job!
hiiamyu13
Oct 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 1000 character Common App Extracurricular - Track [5]
I could hear the loser already. He mocked me, coaxed me. "Give up, Owen, there's always the next race... Is the pain really worth it? Just. Give. Up." With each word, the track seemed to double in size. The pain in my legs turned into agony. The fire in my lungs became an inferno. The loser, ironically, was winning this race now. He had thrown me into the darkness. I had forgotten the joys of running, the freedom from the stress of reality, and the hours of brutal training that I had put into preparing for the race. My pace slackened and the clamor of footsteps intensified behind me - I was falling behind. Then a light breached the darkness as I discerned the loudening cheers of my precious teammates, coaches, and parents at the finish line. "GO OWEN! GIVE IT YOUR ALL!" I sprinted towards this light determined and reminded that though I was on the track as an individual, I embodied something greater than just myself: my team, my school, and my community. The winner had finally spoken.
I could hear the loser already. He mocked me, coaxed me. "Give up, Owen, there's always the next race... Is the pain really worth it? Just. Give. Up." With each word, the track seemed to double in size. The pain in my legs turned into agony. The fire in my lungs became an inferno. The loser, ironically, was winning this race now. He had thrown me into the darkness. I had forgotten the joys of running, the freedom from the stress of reality, and the hours of brutal training that I had put into preparing for the race. My pace slackened and the clamor of footsteps intensified behind me - I was falling behind. Then a light breached the darkness as I discerned the loudening cheers of my precious teammates, coaches, and parents at the finish line. "GO OWEN! GIVE IT YOUR ALL!" I sprinted towards this light determined and reminded that though I was on the track as an individual, I embodied something greater than just myself: my team, my school, and my community. The winner had finally spoken.
hiiamyu13
Oct 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 1000 character Common App Extracurricular - Track [5]
Woah, thanks for all the input guys! :) I'll definitely try and fix that phrase up!
Woah, thanks for all the input guys! :) I'll definitely try and fix that phrase up!
hiiamyu13
Oct 29, 2012
Undergraduate / "All they wanted was a better life for you" ; The Dream, the Seed, and the Fruits. [7]
Common App Essay!!
The prompt is:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
The Dream, the Seed, and the Fruits
A clamor of rushed footsteps was fast approaching me. I shrunk back into the corner of the couch where I had just awakened and whimpered like a forsaken puppy. How did I get here? Where is Grandpa? Have I been kidnapped? Tears poured down my face as the footsteps came to an abrupt halt. A woman stood by the doorway: her hair was long and black, and on her tanned face was a bittersweet smile. She warily approached me and her fingers interlocked with mine, tugging me towards a room down the hall. Strangely enough, though I did not know where I was or where I was headed, I felt warm and secure in this woman's presence. Together, we approached the two men in the room. Relief flooded over me. One I instantly recognized - Grandpa - and the other was a gentle face with thick-rimmed glasses, looking at me with joyous eyes. A brief silence cloaked the room before my grandfather stood up. "Say hi to your parents, YuYu. You're in the United States now!"
Parents? They were like exotic animals to me. I occasionally saw my friends in China walk with their "parents" but I never questioned why I didn't have them. Sometimes I would secretly examine their interactions with each other. Piggy-back rides. Laughter. Hugging. Lots of talking. Hand holding. I looked at my strangers inquisitively for a few seconds, unsure of what to do, and finally forced out a "hi." Their eyes began watering and before I knew it, I was in their arms crying along with them. Looking back, our tears were only watering the seeds of a powerful relationship.
After that day, my grandpa purposely faded into the background of my life, allowing my parents to become the center figures of my life. A month passed in minutes and my grandpa had to return home. To my surprise though, I found his departure to have little bearing on me. Before parting, he left me with my parents' single ambition:
"All they wanted was a better life for you."
Ironically, when I first opened my eyes on my parents' couch, I was merely awakening to another dream - the dream of my parents. My parents had to toil and struggle for years to even plant the seeds of their dreams: working as servers and custodians during the night, while studying as students during the day. Then with my arrival, the seeds were finally watered by our tears. Today, the seeds bear their fruit through me. So what are these fruits, you ask? Love. Tenacity. Bravery. Dedication. Purpose. I am no longer YuYu now because of these fruits. I am Owen. Owen is what people call me, but is also why my parents suffered so much, when their dreams were realized, and who I know I am.
I am an individual who truly cares for others, who is willing to put others before himself. I am an individual who refuses to take opportunities for granted. I am an individual who stands out, who does not fear the unknown or uncertain. I am an individual who strives to always do his best and will never back down. I am an individual who wants to and will make an impact on society.
I am individual who must sow his seeds into the world.
Please give me constructive criticism and help fix mistakes! Thanks :)
Common App Essay!!
The prompt is:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
The Dream, the Seed, and the Fruits
A clamor of rushed footsteps was fast approaching me. I shrunk back into the corner of the couch where I had just awakened and whimpered like a forsaken puppy. How did I get here? Where is Grandpa? Have I been kidnapped? Tears poured down my face as the footsteps came to an abrupt halt. A woman stood by the doorway: her hair was long and black, and on her tanned face was a bittersweet smile. She warily approached me and her fingers interlocked with mine, tugging me towards a room down the hall. Strangely enough, though I did not know where I was or where I was headed, I felt warm and secure in this woman's presence. Together, we approached the two men in the room. Relief flooded over me. One I instantly recognized - Grandpa - and the other was a gentle face with thick-rimmed glasses, looking at me with joyous eyes. A brief silence cloaked the room before my grandfather stood up. "Say hi to your parents, YuYu. You're in the United States now!"
Parents? They were like exotic animals to me. I occasionally saw my friends in China walk with their "parents" but I never questioned why I didn't have them. Sometimes I would secretly examine their interactions with each other. Piggy-back rides. Laughter. Hugging. Lots of talking. Hand holding. I looked at my strangers inquisitively for a few seconds, unsure of what to do, and finally forced out a "hi." Their eyes began watering and before I knew it, I was in their arms crying along with them. Looking back, our tears were only watering the seeds of a powerful relationship.
After that day, my grandpa purposely faded into the background of my life, allowing my parents to become the center figures of my life. A month passed in minutes and my grandpa had to return home. To my surprise though, I found his departure to have little bearing on me. Before parting, he left me with my parents' single ambition:
"All they wanted was a better life for you."
Ironically, when I first opened my eyes on my parents' couch, I was merely awakening to another dream - the dream of my parents. My parents had to toil and struggle for years to even plant the seeds of their dreams: working as servers and custodians during the night, while studying as students during the day. Then with my arrival, the seeds were finally watered by our tears. Today, the seeds bear their fruit through me. So what are these fruits, you ask? Love. Tenacity. Bravery. Dedication. Purpose. I am no longer YuYu now because of these fruits. I am Owen. Owen is what people call me, but is also why my parents suffered so much, when their dreams were realized, and who I know I am.
I am an individual who truly cares for others, who is willing to put others before himself. I am an individual who refuses to take opportunities for granted. I am an individual who stands out, who does not fear the unknown or uncertain. I am an individual who strives to always do his best and will never back down. I am an individual who wants to and will make an impact on society.
I am individual who must sow his seeds into the world.
Please give me constructive criticism and help fix mistakes! Thanks :)
hiiamyu13
Nov 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'academic programs of biology and classics' - Cornell Supplement Essay [5]
It is well written; however, I feel that is really trite and unmemorable. You have two goals when writing college essays. First, is to show your personality and who you are. Second is to stand out. Your essay does a decent job at showing who you are, but this sounds like any other essay. My English teacher says "Show, don't tell", meaning that instead of stating "I am interested in Biology", demonstrate it through an anecdote, and expand on that one experience. Don't trail off into other topics, such as the "classics."
It is well written; however, I feel that is really trite and unmemorable. You have two goals when writing college essays. First, is to show your personality and who you are. Second is to stand out. Your essay does a decent job at showing who you are, but this sounds like any other essay. My English teacher says "Show, don't tell", meaning that instead of stating "I am interested in Biology", demonstrate it through an anecdote, and expand on that one experience. Don't trail off into other topics, such as the "classics."
hiiamyu13
Nov 2, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular Short Answer - Rowing [6]
"My recent inheritance of power and authority demands for an equal measure of responsibility and maturity, both of which are weaved into my personality.
Rather than saying "inheritance of power and authority", which gives the image of you being the son of a tyrannical king, say something along these lines: "I have been given the duty to lead... etcetc."
"My recent inheritance of power and authority demands for an equal measure of responsibility and maturity, both of which are weaved into my personality.
Rather than saying "inheritance of power and authority", which gives the image of you being the son of a tyrannical king, say something along these lines: "I have been given the duty to lead... etcetc."
hiiamyu13
Nov 2, 2012
Undergraduate / "All they wanted was a better life for you" ; The Dream, the Seed, and the Fruits. [7]
This is the Common App essay. My intention for this essay is to give a general outlook on my personality, while allowing my supplemental essays to target my more specific "ambitions" and "goals."
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The Dream, the Seeds, and the Fruit
A clamor of rushed footsteps was fast approaching me. I shrunk back into the corner of the couch where I had just awakened and whimpered like a forsaken puppy. How did I get here? Where is Grandpa? Have I been kidnapped? Tears poured down my face as the footsteps came to an abrupt halt. A woman stood by the doorway: her hair was long and black, and on her tanned face was a bittersweet smile. She warily approached me and her fingers interlocked with mine, tugging me towards a room down the hall. Strangely enough, though I did not know where I was or where I was headed, I felt warm and secure in this woman's presence. Together, we approached the two men in the room. Relief flooded over me. One I instantly recognized - Grandpa - and the other was a gentle face with thick-rimmed glasses, looking at me with joyous eyes. A brief silence cloaked the room before my grandfather stood up. "Say hi to your parents, YuYu. You're in the United States now!"
Parents? They were like exotic animals to me. I occasionally saw my friends in China walk with their "parents" but I never questioned why I didn't have them. Sometimes I
would furtively observe their interactions with each other. Piggy-back rides. Laughter. Hugging. Talking. Hand holding. I looked at my strangers inquisitively for a few seconds, unsure of what to do, and finally forced out a "hi." Their eyes began watering and before I knew it, I was in their arms crying along with them. Looking back, our tears were only watering the seeds of a powerful relationship.
After that day, my grandpa purposely faded into the background of my life, allowing my parents to become the center figures of my life. A month passed in minutes and my grandpa returned home. To my surprise though, I found his departure to have little bearing on me. Before parting, he left me with my parents' single ambition:
"All they wanted was a better life for you."
What little bitterness that I harbored in me suddenly vanished. I realized then that when I first opened my eyes on that couch, I was merely awakening to another dream - the dream of my parents. My parents had to toil for years, barely earning enough money to even survive, let alone paying for my airfare. One thing was certain though: they fought to keep their dreams alive. At night, they worked two jobs and during the day, they fiercely studied as college students. With my arrival, the seeds of their dreams were finally watered and nurtured. But what are these seeds? Love. Tenacity. Bravery. Dedication. Purpose. Today, the seeds have flowered. I am no longer YuYu. I am Owen. To others this is merely a name but to me "Owen" is the fruit of my parents' struggles, successes, and dreams.
So yes, part of who I am today was bestowed by my parents; however, I chose to use these qualities that flowered from the seeds to chase my own decisions and ambitions, to utilize every opportunity to its fullest. Though I am the fruit of my parents, I have since fallen from the tree, eager and prepared to sow my own seeds into the world.
This is the Common App essay. My intention for this essay is to give a general outlook on my personality, while allowing my supplemental essays to target my more specific "ambitions" and "goals."
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The Dream, the Seeds, and the Fruit
A clamor of rushed footsteps was fast approaching me. I shrunk back into the corner of the couch where I had just awakened and whimpered like a forsaken puppy. How did I get here? Where is Grandpa? Have I been kidnapped? Tears poured down my face as the footsteps came to an abrupt halt. A woman stood by the doorway: her hair was long and black, and on her tanned face was a bittersweet smile. She warily approached me and her fingers interlocked with mine, tugging me towards a room down the hall. Strangely enough, though I did not know where I was or where I was headed, I felt warm and secure in this woman's presence. Together, we approached the two men in the room. Relief flooded over me. One I instantly recognized - Grandpa - and the other was a gentle face with thick-rimmed glasses, looking at me with joyous eyes. A brief silence cloaked the room before my grandfather stood up. "Say hi to your parents, YuYu. You're in the United States now!"
Parents? They were like exotic animals to me. I occasionally saw my friends in China walk with their "parents" but I never questioned why I didn't have them. Sometimes I
would furtively observe their interactions with each other. Piggy-back rides. Laughter. Hugging. Talking. Hand holding. I looked at my strangers inquisitively for a few seconds, unsure of what to do, and finally forced out a "hi." Their eyes began watering and before I knew it, I was in their arms crying along with them. Looking back, our tears were only watering the seeds of a powerful relationship.
After that day, my grandpa purposely faded into the background of my life, allowing my parents to become the center figures of my life. A month passed in minutes and my grandpa returned home. To my surprise though, I found his departure to have little bearing on me. Before parting, he left me with my parents' single ambition:
"All they wanted was a better life for you."
What little bitterness that I harbored in me suddenly vanished. I realized then that when I first opened my eyes on that couch, I was merely awakening to another dream - the dream of my parents. My parents had to toil for years, barely earning enough money to even survive, let alone paying for my airfare. One thing was certain though: they fought to keep their dreams alive. At night, they worked two jobs and during the day, they fiercely studied as college students. With my arrival, the seeds of their dreams were finally watered and nurtured. But what are these seeds? Love. Tenacity. Bravery. Dedication. Purpose. Today, the seeds have flowered. I am no longer YuYu. I am Owen. To others this is merely a name but to me "Owen" is the fruit of my parents' struggles, successes, and dreams.
So yes, part of who I am today was bestowed by my parents; however, I chose to use these qualities that flowered from the seeds to chase my own decisions and ambitions, to utilize every opportunity to its fullest. Though I am the fruit of my parents, I have since fallen from the tree, eager and prepared to sow my own seeds into the world.