Undergraduate / Review? Common App Short Essay- "Silk" (Color Guard) [4]

I can definetly feel your passion for your extracurricular, but remember that this a college application, how does your passion influence you and make you a better person? And how do those influences prepare you for college? Why would a college want to accept you because of them?

I think your tone is great it really does convey your passion, you should stick to your topic just elaborate on how your passion makes you a better person :)