Undergraduate / 'The New Kid' - UC Personal Statement Prompt #2 [13]

I think that the topic of your essay is good but both the introduction and conclusion. In the intro, you take too long explaining Trinidad and Tobago and going to school before you get to the point of your essay (overcoming adversities through soccer, right?) Also I think your conclusion needs some work. It is very short and the last sentence feels like an uncompleted thought. What did overcoming this adversity help you deal with? I would explain further or just change the last sentence so it is more specific.

Undergraduate / 'Surgery on me helped me reinvent myself' - Prompt #2 of Personal Statement [4]


I don't really understand what you're trying to say with this sentence. The way I'm reading it, it sounds like you thought you were going to die which seems unlikely. I would edit it for clarity or take it out all together because, although well-worded, it doesn't add anything