Posts by art4bg

art4bg

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My college search' - Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University [2]

Answer to the first question of the Syracuse Supplement. Help? Open to any critique!

My college search began when I started researching the best fashion schools in the United States. Syracuse University was listed on numerous websites as one of the top. To be able to study fashion from a great institution while staying on a beautiful campus is one of the main points that I dreamed of having in a college. I researched more about Syracuse University and their fashion design program. Intrigued by the success of the program, I wanted to learn more. I visited the campus during one of the organized "summer campus days" in August and immediately fell in love with the sense of community within the students. Everyone I met at Syracuse was very welcoming. After talking with a couple of professors in the Fashion Design program and viewing the Design Warehouse, I know that Syracuse University is the right fit for me. As I walked around the building, I noticed the large amount of work space and the advanced technology in use such as the sewing equipment like industrial sewing and overlock machines. I am excited to have the technological exposure before I graduate from Syracuse University.

Throughout my journey in the college search, I have come to a realization that I want to run in college. During my stay at Syracuse University, I met with the assistant coach and learned more about the cross country and track teams. I am excited to be able to run for Syracuse and feel that I would be a great addition to the team. After meeting with the coach and learning more about his philosophy in coaching, I am even more confident that Syracuse University is the right fit for me.

art4bg

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I visited Afghanistan' - College essay common app experience [2]

instead of saying that you went to Afghanistan ( "This past summer I visited the country of Afghanistan.") Describe the experience of when you got there, that it was sort of a culture shock. Use descriptive language, its supposed to be a personal narrative.

If you want to talk about your Aunt, maybe it would be better to write about the prompt that asks about a particular person who has influenced you.

This essay seems a bit "jumpy" try to transition your ideas better.
I live in a country where I have the opportunity to do whatever I dream , to be whatever I dream . I want to make a positive impact in the world. (something like that?)

your essay seems a bit wordy, try to find places where you can use more concise words.

art4bg

Nov 24, 2012

Writing Feedback / Public celebrations are a waste of money..? [4]

However, some people feel that public celebrations are not useful and a mere wastage of time and money, others oppose. (seems a bit wordy and a little bit confusing, you actually dont need this)

simply talk about your ideas rather than the opposing.

Celebrations play an integral part of in our lives , no matter whether it is private or public. I feel that public celebrations are important because _________________ , ____________________ and _____________________. (your thesis) (also, add more to your intro paragraph. define public celebrations, etc)

~~to begin with~~ ... gives us an opportunity to honor those in remembrance. Honoring national heroes will be passed down from generation to generation.

please review your essay and reread it, there are many grammatical errors. Restructure your essay so that it transitions better as well.

art4bg

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'cold weather and historical background' - Boston University Supplement [4]

this is great! for the quote, put the citation outside the quotation marks like this, "...Peruvian people," (page 21).
Also the next sentence starts off by saying, that BU focuses then you change the subject. Maybe say Boston University focuses on using the world as a classroom setting because they believe that students learn more from being exposed to reality ~~then~~ than from reading it in a book.

I think you can go into more detail, have you visited the campus? have you talked to any professors? those small things will give you huge bonus points in your essay.

art4bg

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / A Cower Straightened (Common App Essay!) [2]

I realized the significance ethnicity had on my identity at a young age like razorblades to my skin this is awkward
Great description! But try to be more concise, the essay has to be up to 500 words, this is definitely over. Try to focus a bit more on your main idea, what do you want the reader to understand about you? I think that by adding the part about becoming a public speaker is digressing from the prompt.

art4bg

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / common app essay- Saint Thomas vs Penn Relays [2]

Common App essay topic #1- evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you. Advice please!
I love to run. I love to race. To compete at Penn Relays was my ultimate goal. Since my freshman year, I dreamed that I would, one day, be good enough to run with the best in the nation at this exclusive high school track meet. To get there, my 4x800 meter relay team would have to qualify at an invitational meet. The only invitational meet left in the season before the deadline, was one scheduled over my spring break, junior year. My dream of running at Penn Relays could only become a reality if I could overcome one big obstacle: my parents.

With good intentions, my parents had scheduled a vacation for my family over spring break to the beautiful Caribbean Island of Saint Thomas. At any other time I would love to spend a whole week relaxing on the beach and soaking in the sun, but running in the meet was much more important to me. I did not want to let my team down.

Immediately, I began to think of a way to make competing possible. I decided the best option was to go on vacation with my family for a few days, train in Saint Thomas, and then leave early. This meant that I would be flying on an airplane to New Jersey by myself. I pitched my idea to my parents and the first words that came out of their mouths were, "no, that's not going to happen." I was devastated.

I spent the next several weeks trying to convince my parents that I was independent enough to fly alone. I reminded them that because I had flown with them on an airplane many times before, I was confident I could fly home alone. I explained that I felt comfortable navigating through the airport and catching the train because we had done those things so many times together. My parents spent many hours contemplating the idea. Finally, they agreed. Their decision to let me come home early meant the world to me.

After a short vacation, I boarded the airplane from Saint Thomas to New Jersey and made it home safely. At the qualifying meet, my relay team won the race, broke the school record and qualified for Penn Relays.

Some people might think I was crazy to give up a Caribbean vacation so I could run in a track meet; but to me, it was an easy decision. The sacrifice I made was worth it. Not only did I accomplish my dream of qualifying for Penn Relays by training hard and racing fast, I overcame a challenge. Because of the experience, I had the opportunity to show my parents how independent I had become. My parents also saw my commitment to my team and that I was willing to sacrifice a vacation so I could achieve my goal. I had the chance to grow and become more confident through this experience and will carry forward these traits through college and my future endeavors.