Undergraduate / 'Could be a game children like to play' - Where is Waldo? U Chicago [5]

Definitely make it longer. My UChicago essay is a few hundred words longer so perhaps consider developing a better thesis and make it longer.

Undergraduate / Maplestory has become a central part of my life; Significant Experience/ Common App [22]

The tie-in to the real world is especially interesting. In my opinion it does not go too much into the game so definitely an improvement from the last one.