nowaysout
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Born in Miami & grew up in Beijing/ My World [3]
"Adrenaline flooded my veins and serotonin inundated my neurotransmitter."
This seems a little out of the flow of the essay? Kind of detracts from your voice.
I like how you look at the issue, but in my opinion, you come off a little strong? With your second paragraph, it almost seems like you're attacking Americans for their lack of perspective into the world. Instead of
"commodities that Americans take for granted" maybe something more along the lines of "sweet treats that can be found at every shop"
First paragraph. Do the admissions officers want to know about Miami florida? Not particularly. I like the story that comes in your second paragraph, but your first paragraph altogether might a little unnecessary. Email me if you want to talk more. I'm working on this essay right now as well.
"Adrenaline flooded my veins and serotonin inundated my neurotransmitter."
This seems a little out of the flow of the essay? Kind of detracts from your voice.
I like how you look at the issue, but in my opinion, you come off a little strong? With your second paragraph, it almost seems like you're attacking Americans for their lack of perspective into the world. Instead of
"commodities that Americans take for granted" maybe something more along the lines of "sweet treats that can be found at every shop"
First paragraph. Do the admissions officers want to know about Miami florida? Not particularly. I like the story that comes in your second paragraph, but your first paragraph altogether might a little unnecessary. Email me if you want to talk more. I'm working on this essay right now as well.