juneidyl
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The Power of Speech' ; Common App Essay - (Topic of your choice) [5]
Generally very good essay!
I'm not a native speaker so I can't give you an accurate evaluation. First of all, your story touched me. As a neighboring-country citizen who donated a little pocket money at that time, I was impressed by you and your essay. It will surely stand out.
Just a small suggestion and for your information only:
I think this part should be emphasized. Between your bow and their applause there should be a transition, their facial expression, a description of the environment or something else. It will be less abrupt if you add something.
By the way, I love the ending! Good Luck (you're way better than me XD)!
Generally very good essay!
I'm not a native speaker so I can't give you an accurate evaluation. First of all, your story touched me. As a neighboring-country citizen who donated a little pocket money at that time, I was impressed by you and your essay. It will surely stand out.
Just a small suggestion and for your information only:
I commented "That's right, everybody. Even a country like Japan needs your help. After all, on this Earth we are all the same, aren't we?" I glanced at the clock - 45 minutes had breezed past. I took a bow and stepped down from my first public appearance as a speaker.
Applause. Endless applause.
Applause. Endless applause.
I think this part should be emphasized. Between your bow and their applause there should be a transition, their facial expression, a description of the environment or something else. It will be less abrupt if you add something.
By the way, I love the ending! Good Luck (you're way better than me XD)!