hey everyone. This is my common app extracurricular essay. please help me improve it. i have a great passion for dance but its really hard to show in such a small word count. i think its a bit off. what do you think? Any advice is more than welcome. also, i need to reduce the word count. so any help will be appreciated. thanks in advance :)
The world is upside down. A pair of feet is all I can see from the corner of my eyes. The pain in my arms has made them numb but I refuse to give up. I slowly and carefully turn my gaze towards the mirror placed in front of me, trying my best not to lose balance. As I look at myself, I realize that I am doing it. I have done it. I have finally learned the posture of baby freeze and am now standing on my head.
Dancing has always taken me to a state of euphoria; to a state where I can connect with myself, learn who I am and remember where I come from. In every stage of my life, I have danced and I have learned more about myself through it. As a kid, I learned the classical form, which helped me understand the god I worshiped everyday without knowing of his existence. Through middle school, I learned various ethnic dances which allowed me to learn about the different ethnicities in my country, including my own. Belly dancing, which I learned by myself through repeated viewing of videos, helped me get in touch with my femininity as a girl transforming into a woman.
Today, I am learning the b-boying form which requires great strength and stamina. With my fragile figure, most had said I would not be able to do it. But as I started learning, my own strength astounded me. Yet again, this form has familiarized me with my strength and taught me to never underestimate myself.
Dance has always been a companion to me through my happiness and sorrow, pride and insecurity, physicality and spirituality and I believe it will continue introducing me to many other sides of me that I have yet to know.
Hey, I believe your essay goes over the word limit.
Otherwise, its greatly written.
I can feel your passion for dancing.
well done!
I slowly and carefully turn my gaze towards the mirror placed in front of me, trying my best not to lose balance. As I look at myself, I realize that I am doing it. I have done it. I have finally learned the posture of baby freeze and am now standing on my head.
Dancing has always taken me to a state of euphoria; to a state where I can connect with myself, learn who I am, and remember where I come from. In every stage of my life, I have danced and I have learned more about myself through it.
It's an amazing piece of writing. I really don't know what you can take out to reduce the word count. good luck!
OP
zdv 12 / 68 
2 thank you chewbaccablack. do you think it could be polished more? if you could help me tell anything that i can cut down, it would be great.
Hi! It's a wonderful essay. Really amazing.
Just one question: you mentioned that your body is "fragile", but in the previous paragraph you didn't show much about the pain you had to suffer. Could you please add a little bit? My suggestion, for your information only. : )
You mentioned that you learned the dances of your country and about the different ethinicities, but you did not metion from what counrty it is. Your reader are unaware of your life, it would be greatly apperciated if you could inform me, so i could be more familiar with the styles of dance.
You also metioned you took classical, would this be ballet?
Hope it helps! Please look at my essay. :D
OP
zdv 12 / 68 2 Thank you everyone for your meaningful feedback. I will be looking at your essays now. anyway this is my edited version. Please tell me what you think.
My Companion For Life- Dance
The world is upside down. A pair of feet is all I can see. The pain in my arms has made them numb but I refuse to give up. I slowly and carefully turn my gaze towards the mirror, trying not to lose balance. As I look at myself, I realize that I have done it. I have finally learned the posture of Baby Freeze and am now standing on my head.
Dancing has always taken me to a state of euphoria where I can connect with myself, learn who I am and remember where I come from. In every stage of my life, I have danced and I have learned more about myself through it. As a kid, I learned the classical form, which helped me understand the god I worshipped everyday without knowing of his existence. Through middle school, various ethnic dances taught me about the different ethnicities in my country Nepal, including my own. Belly dancing, which I learned by myself through repeated viewing of videos, introduced me to my feminine side.
Today, I am learning the B-Boying form which requires great strength. With my fragile figure, most had said that I could not do it. But as I started learning, my own strength astounded me. Yet again, this form has familiarized me with my strength and taught me to never underestimate myself.
zdv,
Your essay is really very good. Your interest for dance is getting reflected in this essay. Just as a suggestion, the letter 'G' in the word 'God' is always capital. Thus instead of 'god' you may want to write it as 'God'. Everything else is fine. Goodluck!
Please help me with mine.
