ktminnieheartsa
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / My reality after my best friend committed suicide; Common App/ Significant Influence [18]
hmm try having a thesis. (does wonders for college essays, just saying) So that way, essay readers don't have to search for a point. You focus a lot on your friend and how he affected you, and that's fine, but wow the college readers by also mentioning how YOU can affect others, the college, and the college's community by how you grew from this experience.
all clarification has been mentioned, so I'll omit those comments
How can you employ your growth from this experience to your growth in education and employing knowledge to your life?
My reward for working through this painful process was of course more pain, sadness because I still didn't know why, but most horrifyingly, an overwhelming sense of regret because I realized that all these years, I had never told him how much he meant to me - run on. use colons, semicolons, they make you look smart :)
Busy to the point I never could even find a moment to tell him he meant the world to me - sentence fragment. yes, you could have done it on purpose, and it sounds great like this, but for college essay readers, go the safe way and make it into a complete sentence.
overall, i loved your essay... i can't remember how many times i said "i'm so jealous... wish i could write like this" or "omigod. amazing". also, heart-tugging, and tear jerking through and through. i really don't have much to correct... (your grammar seems flawless!... to me, at least) ;) good luck on your essays and hope you get accepted to the college of your desire! (plz look at my essay too! once i post it...) once again, these are my suggestions on how i think they convey your message in your essay better. If you think my suggestions hinder your essay, don't use them.
hmm try having a thesis. (does wonders for college essays, just saying) So that way, essay readers don't have to search for a point. You focus a lot on your friend and how he affected you, and that's fine, but wow the college readers by also mentioning how YOU can affect others, the college, and the college's community by how you grew from this experience.
all clarification has been mentioned, so I'll omit those comments
How can you employ your growth from this experience to your growth in education and employing knowledge to your life?
My reward for working through this painful process was of course more pain, sadness because I still didn't know why, but most horrifyingly, an overwhelming sense of regret because I realized that all these years, I had never told him how much he meant to me - run on. use colons, semicolons, they make you look smart :)
Busy to the point I never could even find a moment to tell him he meant the world to me - sentence fragment. yes, you could have done it on purpose, and it sounds great like this, but for college essay readers, go the safe way and make it into a complete sentence.
overall, i loved your essay... i can't remember how many times i said "i'm so jealous... wish i could write like this" or "omigod. amazing". also, heart-tugging, and tear jerking through and through. i really don't have much to correct... (your grammar seems flawless!... to me, at least) ;) good luck on your essays and hope you get accepted to the college of your desire! (plz look at my essay too! once i post it...) once again, these are my suggestions on how i think they convey your message in your essay better. If you think my suggestions hinder your essay, don't use them.