yoitsm
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Mama said we could fix it up; NYU-what intrigues you? [2]
From what I can see, it doesn't seem as though you're really showing much of a personality here. It shows that you are disgusted with your new environment, but you don't go into depth about why any of it disgusts you. Furthermore, your transition into your last stanza about it finally being enough is very prompt. There is no gradience of emotions leading into it whatsoever - it's just like, oh wow so now things are good? Try to add in a bit more of a transitioning explanation from where things are bad to where things are good for you.
From what I can see, it doesn't seem as though you're really showing much of a personality here. It shows that you are disgusted with your new environment, but you don't go into depth about why any of it disgusts you. Furthermore, your transition into your last stanza about it finally being enough is very prompt. There is no gradience of emotions leading into it whatsoever - it's just like, oh wow so now things are good? Try to add in a bit more of a transitioning explanation from where things are bad to where things are good for you.