Undergraduate / Best Buddies; Common App/ Extracurricular [10]

Newer Version. I still don't feel that it pops. What am I doing wrong? How can I make it standout? Does it flow?

Pls see below;

Undergraduate / My mother had breast cancer/ COMMON APP [11]

Wouldn't it fit under this topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I think your content is good. You may want to review it sentence my sentence to improve some of the vocabulary and sophistication of your essay. For example, you may want to replace "remember" with"recall". Or instead of saying "These were the questions that I asked myself over and over again." what about "These questions grappled with over and over again."?

I hope I helped! Can you please review my essay?

Undergraduate / People to People Student Ambassador program; Creative work [4]

Just quickly looking through it you have so many extended sentences. Especially in the beginning, it seems forced.

Undergraduate / Best Buddies; Common App/ Extracurricular [10]

(will happily help back)
Pls see below;

Better? Is it too braggy? Does it flow? How can I make it standout more?

Undergraduate / Best Buddies; Common App/ Extracurricular [10]

(will happily help back)

Pls see below;

Undergraduate / 'Made in China. ' - Cultural Background [4]

Okay. First I LOVE the "made in china" part. Shows your sense of humor! Establishes your voice! Great.

With this topic, there is soooooo much that you can say. But, at some points I think you are wasting precious characters.

For example "where they had an "ABC", an American-Born Chinese, me". You have already established your humor, I don't see the need for this.

"I have had the opportunity to indulge in both cultures; [b]the Chinese customs and the American ones[/b ]." You have already establish the second half of that sentence.

Instead, maybe you can say something about how being in amerced two cultures help you better understand your Chinese culture or better appreciate these cultures differences. Or maybe you can expand upon the balance between the two cultures ("Asian worth-ethic with the american freedom") .

These are just a thoughts. It's a good start but I think you can say so much more with it.

Writing Feedback / What makes me happy? Ted x talk [3]

What makes me happy?

Change singular "i"s to "I"

You are obviously trying to use repetition but your "happy"s are much to frequent. Thesaurus com might be helpful.

Also watch your tenses. For example "I became happy when I ate ..."

I think you also might want to focus and develop your feelings on one singular thing, instead of touching upon multiple things.

Undergraduate / Best Buddies; Common App/ Extracurricular [10]

Newererer Version.
Igniting a smile is remarkable. But, recognizing the impact that you are developing in someone's life is beyond words. Best Buddies granted me an opportunity to improve the life of a peer with disabilities through a friendship. The connection that we formed drove my buddy to conquer his autism and bloom as a leader. To see my actions produce such a meaningful results was empowering and thus sparked my lifelong passion for connecting and serving. That year, I vowed to broaden Best Buddies' impact to new heights. Under the leadership of me and my buddy, our club was able to transform the lives of over 25 kids with disabilities in 2011. With our club at its greatest, I decided to stretch our outreach to our entire student body. In 2012 through an anti-bullying campaign entitled Spread the Word to End the Word, over 1,500 students took our pledged of respect. In 2013 I plan to broaden our impact into our community. If we can impact a person, a school and a community, who's to say it has to end there?

Undergraduate / Best Buddies; Common App/ Extracurricular [10]

Thank you! I like that better. Best of luck to you as well =)

Undergraduate / Worthless; Stupid; Failure, these words shackled every aspect of my life [5]

Pleaseeeee (=

Worthless. Stupid. Failure. These words shackled every aspect of my life. My parent's emotional abuse enforced a doubt that eroded away at me. I struggled to release myself from the burden of their words. However, as I strove to earn their happiness, I finally found my own.

The pain that their words invoked cannot be articulated. These feeling haunted every fragment of my day. Their afflictions attacked me relentlessly, obliterating any chance I had for a momentary escape. I shielded my battle with a smile. For a long period of time, I strived to ignore the hurt. But, disregarding the problem failed to deflect the pain.

Naturally, I became desperate to prevent their words from becoming a reality. I strode into freshman year with a mission: I would personify their concept of perfection. Subsequently, I registered for every club that was offered and worked tirelessly on my marks. However, my parents still refused to grant me their approval. I no longer cared though; what I gained from my efforts had far greater value.

My involvement in extracurricular activities embarked me on a journey to attain my own approval. In participating in Best Buddies I unearthed my love for serving people. As I dedicated myself to promoting other individual's value, I discovered my ability to impact a life. Mock Trial further developed this personal realization of worth. In obtaining state and international titles, I have realized what I can achieve. Whether by delivering an opening statement with poise or portraying a witness with enthusiasm, I have found my confidence in the courtroom. In Youth and Government I utilized that same confidence. Through presenting legislation in the Albany Capital chambers I found my voice. Now serving as a Presiding Officer, I am proud use my own constructive words to stand up for my beliefs and encourage my fellow delegates. MSG Varsity ignited my passion for using my voice to educate the public. Directing, writing and reporting on stories has brought me to a variety of places. From interviewing Senators in my school's library to speaking to Olympic athletes at Town Hall I am so very proud and honored by my accomplishments. In the capital, in the courtroom and in front of a camera I have found that it wasn't their approval that I needed; it was my own.

In submerging myself in these activities, I have discovered my worth and intelligence, while achieving multiple successes along the way. I still grapple with the noise, but I have learned to appreciate the turmoil. It's simple: without this struggle, I would not have progressed. My voyage to conquer my parents' words drove me to grow into an individual that I take pride in. Through negating those words, I have found not only happiness, but also my purpose. I have demonstrated to myself that I am capable of surmounting even the strongest of demons. Now, I perceive hardship as an opportunity to develop even further. I am certain that there are many more difficulties to come. I am eager to see what I will acquire from these future trials.