Here is my common application essay for Brown, Northwestern and UNC Chapel Hill. It is due in two days, so any constructive criticism or comments would be greatly appreciated!
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Sticky skin and sunburn branded my first excursion to Atlanta, whose metro area enveloped the suburb I had recently moved to. As a nine year old, I failed to anticipate the sweltering, humid conditions of Piedmont Park that Summer afternoon; but, I had arrived at my first art festival, and despite my overall discomfort, my heart pounded with excitement towards the novelty. My father quickly became the curator of the whole display, herding me through the crowds and vendors. We observed pieces with brilliant color and dark grayscale; derivatives of masters like Matisse, Kahlo and Pollock. I was in awe; never had I seen such a wide array of human expression compressed into one area. A particular painting, however, captured my full attention: a tiny, humble watercolor of a sailboat with the phrase "Never cease from exploration" resting discreetly near the canvas's bottom. Such simplicity, yet such meaning: this was the first instance that an artwork had ever evoked an emotional response in me. Humored by my interest, my father bought the painting for me and mounted it on my bedroom wall. Enamoured by the work, I pledged to live by its phrase. Therefore, my entire existence has remained faithful to these words.
Shortly after my enlightening encounter, a teacher nominated me for the People to People Student Ambassador program, which provides educational travel excursions. Obliged by my newfound motto, I joined the program, crossing U.S. borders for the first time to France. Allured by the French language, infrastructure, food, art and culture, I hungered for more opportunities to travel. I craved to learn how foreigners behaved and lived. This new yearning, spawned from the painting, soon grew into a passion that would affect perhaps my most important decision to date.
As the end of eighth grade approached, I held many concerns toward entering high school: Would i enjoy my teachers? Would I learn as much as I desired? Would I become adequately prepared for college? To my awe and relief, I discovered an international studies magnet program in my county. Though it required a lengthy commute and separation from my friends, I knew I must stay dedicated to my worldly aspirations. Therefore, after a rigorous admission process, I was welcomed into North Cobb High School's international studies program, where I have remained since. With challenging courses taught from international perspectives, this program has not only made me a dedicated student, but has augmented my methods of thought and perception; I can explore even within my school's confines.
Though my life has been crafted and shaped by countless other influences, none have had as much leverage on me as a mere painting. "Never ceas[ing] from exploration" has allowed blessings and opportunity to frequently cross my path, most notably my travel opportunities and enrollment in an outstanding magnet program. I have discerned that curiosity and receptiveness leave no privilege nor learning opportunity overlooked, which, I believe, leaves quite a momentous future ahead of me.
Just quickly looking through it you have so many extended sentences. Especially in the beginning, it seems forced.
I agree with the first comment, I think if you tried breaking up those long, run on sentences in the beginning, it would make it easier for the reader. But I like how your description is very "showing not telling"! The conclusion could also tie back in the art piece, just to round up your overall answer to "how this creative work impacts you".
If you could look at my essay, that would be great!
Thanks so much for the feedback! I edited my essay a bit so I am posting the new version below. Please tell me what you think!
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Sticky and sunburnt skin branded my first excursion to Atlanta, whose metro area enveloped the suburb I had recently moved to. As a nine year old, I failed to anticipate the sweltering, humid conditions of Piedmont Park that Summer afternoon. But, I had arrived at my first art festival. Despite my overall discomfort, my heart pounded with excitement towards the novelty. My father quickly became the curator of the whole display, herding me through the crowds and vendors. We observed pieces with brilliant color and dark grayscale; derivatives of masters like Matisse, Kahlo and Pollock. I was in awe--never had I seen such a wide array of human expression compressed into one location. One particular painting, however, captured my full attention. It was a tiny, humble watercolor of a sailboat with the phrase "Never cease from exploration" resting discreetly near the canvas's bottom. Such simplicity, yet such meaning: this was the first instance that an artwork had ever evoked an emotional response in me. Humored by my interest, my father bought me the painting and mounted it on my bedroom wall. Enamoured by the work, I pledged to live by its phrase. Therefore, my entire existence has remained faithful to these words.
Shortly after my enlightening encounter, a teacher nominated me for the People to People Student Ambassadors. The prestigious program provided diplomat-like travel excursions. Obliged by my newfound motto, I quickly joined the program. Embarking across U.S. borders for the first time to France, I became allured by the French language, infrastructure, food, art and culture. I hungered for more opportunities to travel. I craved to learn how foreigners behaved and lived. This new yearning, spawned from the painting, soon grew into a passion that would affect yet another life-transfiguring decision.
As the end of eighth grade approached, I held several concerns toward entering high school: Would i enjoy my teachers? Would I learn as much as I desired? Would I become adequately prepared for college? To my awe and relief, I encountered an international studies magnet program in my county. Though it required a lengthy commute and separation from my friends, I knew I must stay dedicated to my worldly aspirations. Therefore, after a rigorous admission process, I was welcomed into North Cobb High School's international studies program. With challenging courses taught from international angles, this program has not only made me a dedicated student, but has augmented my methods of thought and perception. I anticipate to actively participate in class each day. I can explore even within my school's confines.
"Never ceas[ing] from exploration" has permitted blessings and fortuity to frequently cross my path, most notably my travel opportunities and enrollment in an outstanding magnet program. Through this maxim, I have developed a strong enthusiasm towards diversity and discovery. Though my life has been crafted and shaped by countless other influences, none have had as much leverage on me as a mere painting.
